I... Wasn't able to sleep at all tonight... I've been dealing with insomnia for a while so this is nothing new for me... And I know exactly why... the memories are so painful... and I relieve them almost everyday... Why ? Why I had to follow such a regretful path before finally coming back to my sense's ? It's too late for regrets but I long for a forgiveness that I don't deserve...
It's still in the middle of the night so I guess I can try to sleep again...hope I'll succeed this time... I'm tired of seeing ghosts from my past... I could faintly remember about a lullaby that my mother used to sing to me when I was a little baby, somehow after all those years the memory about that moment of my life gives me a bit of comfort,the cold night got warmer even if it was all just in my mind, I was able to rest a little. Mom if you can hear me...I'm so sorry for being a disappointment... but thank you for still taking care of me on the other side... That was all I could think before closing my eyes.
(In the dreams of yours truly)
I woke up strangely rested, Wich is really odd because I remember closing my eyes a few minutes ago,how do I feel completely recovered then ? As I keep thinking I started to look at my surroundings, it's my room so I guess I'm not dreaming ? but as I tried to get up someone grabbed my hand and pushed me back on the bed and when I looked to who did it I was even more surprised. "Kiriko ? what the hell are you doing in my bed ?"
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"What do you mean (Y/n) ? We have been sleeping together for years don't tell me you want to stop doin it! now go back to sleeping I want to snuggle a little more with you, I think I deserve this after calming our daughter and putting her to sleep don't you agree ?" "WHAT ?" "(Y/n) stop screaming otherwise you'll be going to wake her up! geez what happened to you today ?" "Sorry I think I just have a lot on my mind" this is so surreal this has to be a dream but it feels so real ? I can't explain this strange felling. "You know you can count on me,so just say what is bothering you,as always I'll be more than happy to help!" before I could reply my vision got blurry and when I looked around everything was back to normal. I guess this weird thing happened because I had to take some medications that weren't planned for today,but still this never happened before... I better try to sleep again I'm too tired to even think correctly at this point... And with that I went to sleep again, for the second time,and hopefully I won't have to witness that strangely realistic dream... the moment I closed my eyes it happened again but this time I was on top of a building looking at Kiriko... again ? and... Naoto ? why are they here ? but before I could say anything they both tried to reach for my hand before simply vanishing and I was left there alone, until something I'm more used to happened. while I looked at the city I could see everything fading away slowly until the only thing that remained was the building I was on top of, I usually have this type of dream every week,it always happens the same way and it doesn't matter where I am, everything disappears and I have to keep looking at an empty white void... it's so strange and it always gives me a feeling of dread... I just want to know why both Kiriko and Naoto we're here... I've been having this type of dream nonstop since six years ago but this is the first time someone appeared in one of my dreams besides... "them" I wonder why ? As I keep my eyes closed too focused on my thoughts I heard that awful and haunting sound of what happened on that day. it's been... six years and I still can't get over it... "Why... did you had to throw your life away to save me Mizuki ? "WHY ?" my voice started to crack I'm really tired of this... as I keep trying to recompose myself I suddenly was back on my bed again. I then got my cellphone to check on Wich time it was. "3:17 I guess sleeping is out of the picture tonight... what should I do ? Maybe take a bath ? I'm not on the mood for that now, maybe later... I think I'll just walk a little in the garden, while I'm at it I'll better water the flowers, it's not much but at least I can help the gardener a bit." I got out of the bed and then opened the door of my room,and as I took a look outside everything was surrounded by complete darkness. "I just hope everyone is already sleeping," I'd hate to stumble upon any of the maids or even worse Adachi,they would ask what I'm doing awake at this hour and that would be a problem because all of them know that I'm a bad liar they would pretty much know instantly if I even tried. well I can't give up without even trying. I got my phone turned on it's flashlight and headed down the stairs now I'm on the living room I quickly check to see if someone was around before going to the kitchen and pouring some water in a pot I just found that way I can water the flowers easily. As I keep pouring down the watering down the flowers for some reason I was mesmerized by a rose I haven't seen before in this garden,wich is really surprising since I regularly visit this place and I love roses,how did I miss this one ? As I got close so I could proceed to water it I could see that it was a white rose, beautiful is all I could think, violet roses are my favorites but a white one is almost as beautiful. I finished my task and just lied in the ground staring at the starry night while listening to some music,it was a peaceful moment I then closed my eyes for a few seconds. Although I was listening to some music I could clearly hear someone approaching me thanks to the sound of the grass being stepped on around me. "Even if I I'm with my eyes closed I can still hear you,now please do me the favor of introducing yourself and tell me what can I help you with." you can say that I was being reckless since I didn't even look at whoever was here but I had a feeling it wasn't someone bad, it's been a few years that I learned how to trust more into my own intuition and as far as my score goes I wasn't wrong a single time so... I think my intuition is pretty reliable. "I-I'm so sorry (Y/n)! I've seen you lying in the garden trough the window of my room so I was curious about what you're doing." It was just Naoto, another correct point for my intuition I guess. I then opened my eyes got up and turned off my phone before speaking to him. "I'm really glad it's you and not Adachi,he would kill me if he did know I was still wake at this hour. but to answer your question I just couldn't sleep so I decided to check up on the garden real quick. and you ? why are you still awake?" I was able to quickly change the topic about me and return to question to him, Wich is a relief since explaining to him that I constantly have nightmares about what happened a few years ago would at least shock him a bit. "Well I'm a bit embarrassed to say it but..." he then took a quick deep breath before continuing to speak "I... couldn't sleep due to overthinking what my future could be, I don't want to waste this chance you're giving me,and as your new student I want to make you proud." "Honestly don't worry about it, just make sure you'll put all your heart in what you do and I'm certain it'll pay off. I'll take care of anything you need be it money or resources you can count on me now go back to bed,in a few hours I'll start to teach you and trust me you'll miss resting in your bed in no time after I start the lessons." I'm mostly joking but I need a reason to convince him to go rest,but to my surprise instead of replying he just hugged me,and I felt something soft on his chest....... now any sane person would question this but we are talking about me. I'm literally a paranoic, insomniac artist that has survivors guilty and don't forget that I constantly have to take meds to ease up the pain on my body,it wouldn't surprise me one bit if I started to have hallucinations and be unable to distinguish what's real and what is just my mind making my life even worse than what already is,now that I'm thinking about it I'm quite a messed up individual... maybe that's just an auto reflection the voices on my head are making me do... nah I'm joking about the voices I don't have any... I hope... "I know you are grateful for it but you better go to bed otherwise I'm making your first lesson ten times harder." that seemed to be enough to "convince" him. "I'm so sorry please forgive me! I'm going straight to bed so have mercy upon me." I can only smile at his apologie, it's funny that he thinks I'm being serious...but then a rather depressing though cursed my mind... what would he think about me if he knew the truth about who I was ? would he... hate me ? Probably... "I'll think about it... now go to sleep already!" as I watched him going back inside I remembered about something important I needed to do today, visit a certain someone in the hospital... I just got back to the ground put my music on and started to lost myself once more in my thoughts, truth be told I'm mentally exhausted for a few years and sometimes I just feel empty... like nothing matters anymore I hate this felling but what can I do despite ignoring them and keep living ? I don't want to die...but I want this uncomfortable and miserable felling out of my life. I've been putting this fake smile for a while... I really don't know how much time I'll be able to keep maintaining it, sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if I wasn't influenced by 'him' I was...so stupid back then... let the money and power get to my head and corrupt my heart... If I had realized my mistakes sooner nobody would have died... it's... all my fault... I could cry a bit here and nobody would notice but I know better than anyone that doing it won't be going to make them return nor is it going to make me feel better. I just stood up got a handkerchief from one of my pockets and whipped way some of the tears from my eyes before going towards the kitchen. Maybe I should try cooking something ? maybe bake a cake ? If I closely follow the instructions I'll certainly won't mess it up right ?
