ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD

entry four

I've never been in a serious romantic relationship.

There I said it.

Perhaps it's because of my fear of failure. My fear of abandonment. And maybe it has a bit to do with every man in my life has left at one point. But I honestly am scared to get involved with someone.

I'm scared they will leave me. I've always had extremely... intense relationships, with family, and friends. I hadn't realized what it was until I had gotten my diagnosis, but I always found myself holding them to a high standard, and being heartbroken when they inevitably fell short. In my mind they were perfect. They could do no wrong and I wanted to be just like them so they wouldn't leave me. I would change my personality to fit whatever their ideal mold was for me. To make them happy. I find myself still putting people on a pedestal thinking they can do absolutely no wrong— but as soon as they fall short on my expectations they are suddenly bad. Now they are completely horrible. In some cases it's like they are dead to me.

It's a constant cycle. I change my entire identity, my interests, my clothing, my speech, to fit into whoever I'm around. It's like I'm not even my own person, but instead I'm a crappy mirror reflecting others in hopes they like me.

Don't get me wrong, I hold myself to the same standards I set for others. No matter how unachievable they may be.

My inconsistency with relationships also reflects in how I treat myself surprisingly. It's funny how one day I can feel like a god, doing no wrong and better then everyone else. And the next feel like absolute scum of the earth, not able to do anything right. Better off dead.

If I were to have a serious relationship, I fear the same thing would happen. I would be constantly assessing myself to try to make sure I'm perfect for them. They would be my entire world for a few days or weeks or months. And then it will all come crashing down. I would see one thing out of place in my perfect fantasy, and then hate them. It's funny, I can ignore red flags, I can ignore seemingly obvious warnings or imperfections, but it can take the smallest insignificant thing to make me do a complete three-sixty.

The relationship would always feel disingenuous. And I would constantly be second guessing myself. Convinced they are going to leave me even if they never showed signs of it— I'll make it up in my head.

And the relationship will end in one of two ways.

I would allow myself to be manipulated, and we would be stuck in a toxic cycle. I would come crawling back begging them not to leave me, promising I can become the person they want.

Or I will sabotage it before it can get that far.

On a different note— I don't know if this is something to do with my disorder, or if it's just a personal thing but I run on incentive.

Most times finding myself depriving necessary things from myself as a 'motivator'.

For example, I got through today on an apple and a monster energy drink. I was gone from eight in the morning till nine in the evening, and I couldn't stop until everything was done. Unfortunately I work in an industry where I'm on my feet all day and there is constantly more to be doing and because of that I rarely allow myself a break. Sometimes find myself doing this, running on no food or no water and not allowing myself to go to the washroom until I feel like my bladder is going to pop.

I'm starting to realize that might not be the healthiest thing, but it does motivate me to get things done. In a strange way.

Today was an extreme example, I usually plan ahead to have more in my system before I work. But it seems that being so busy I cannot take a breath is the only way I am able to make it though the day. It forces me to focus on something. It distracts me from my own emotions. Because everything is always moving, my environment is always changing, people going in and out and music in the background, different tasks and jobs. I'm never doing the same thing. So it distracts me. Even if I have a bad turn things always change quickly and it's quite easy to move on.

My doctors won't like that however. I can already hear them.

"You need to stop drinking so much caffeine- it's bad for your liver."

"You have to eat more throughout the day- it will help you not feel faint."

"You have to listen to your body's cues, X. You can ruin your bladder and intestines if you keep ignoring them."

I don't know how to stop. It's either go-go-go or days of nothing at a time. One is bad for my physical health. The other bad for my mental health, and could possibly effect my physical health too— so I guess there is no winning.

Anyways, I don't know if it had anything to do with my diagnosis. It could just be a symptom from how I was raised. My mother was like this too, although I'll admit not as extreme. We constantly had things to do, constantly bouncing from one project straight into another. Maybe this is a learned trait.

I'm very reward driven. So much so it tends to annoy others. I don't see the point in doing something if there isn't anything to show for it. For example some people just don't know when to quit, whether it be an argument or a difference of opinion. Once you have made your point and they still won't budge from their belief there is no point trying until they do. It's a waste of breath. And I hate waste. It's the same with tasks. Sometimes there are some things in life that just aren't worth doing. And I guess I'm lucky to be in the industry I am in, because most places I would be either sitting at a desk, or made to so busy repetitive work.

I know I can't be the only one dealing with this.

I can't be.

But I sometimes it feels like I am.