When a Shattered Heart Speaks

Depression

I have always had this diluted concept of depression.

Like it was just a few cuts or sad feelings.

I believed for the longest time that depression was just like how it was in the videos, but it's not.

Depression feels like you genuinely do not have a single soul to turn to.

I don't just hold my phone and cry like they do on all the awareness videos , no.

I stare at my screen crying as my brain is infiltrated with thoughts as I try so desperately to find someone to turn to, but it's no one. 

So i stare at my screen and just sit there.

In these "awareness videos," these actors who likely never faced depression just stare at a ceiling or zone out in class.

When in reality, it's staring at the ceiling at night trying to remember the good and reflecting when all you can think about is the bad.

We are taught to "tell a parent" or "tell a trusted adult" but in reality, we go to people online to cope or suffer in silence because no one gives a fuck until that person is hanging from their bedroom ceiling fan and bleeding out.

They went out thinking they weren't good enough because we weren't taught REAL awareness.

WE ARE SILENTLY TAUGHT ABSTINENCE.

Because we all think it can't happen to us until it does.

Depression is your mind teaching you that you're a burden, so you make sure that you don't show signs.

You deny the way you cope and you lie to yourself so you believe you don't have it even if you know deep down you do.

Truth be told,

I write because often times, I can't put my feelings into words and I can't talk to anyone because nobody actually understands how I feel.

depression is not emo.

depression is not pick-me energy.

depression is not cringy.

depression is not how Hollywood romanticizes it.

Depression is real and it's ok to feel it.

Because even when you have no one to turn to in your darkest hour,

someone, a little lite shining through, they see you.

I see you.