DEPRESSION

living in depression

So we all know what depression is BUT we don't know the important parts of it. We must be forced to know what the pieces of the depression are. It's anxiety, stress, pain, cutting, and burning. These pieces are very important for someone who has been through a lot in his/her life. ANXIETY is something that we can't let go of. There are moves with our hands, legs, and arms that we can't stop doing because of overthinking in our minds. STRESS is a black emotion that is inside our bodies, for example, we can't stop thinking bad things about ourselves. PAIN is a strong feeling that cant let us feel free and the only thing we can do is hurt until we burst. CUTTING is a very depressing movement that when you can't break out somewhere you break out in yourself and at that moment the only thing you feel is bleeding in your hands or legs. BURNING is more or less like cutting, but it is a very hard and gentle feeling. To do this, however, you must have the strength. You feel a small fire coming closer to your skin burning and fighting the pain. It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it, it's all the same. You could drink, do meth, burn, cut, stab, slash or fuck till you bleed and it's all the same thing: self-harm. It's like you are drowning in the sea with your head with all your problems. We need to let our pain out. It's so easy to forget to take care of your own head. Your mental health is massively important. You can go a long time without realizing that you are not ok. Sometimes we feel like the world around us isn't real. Sometimes we feel like we can't handle our life. Sometimes we do not understand our purpose or don't want to do it anymore. We don't say anything cause we don't want those around us to feel like we are being dramatic. But we should always talk and check in with the people around us. Depression is invisible. Anxiety is a ghost. We need to take care of each other. We need to take care of OURSELVES. So my name is Diamantina and I am 14 years old. I love watching movies and series, and also I like reading romantic books. I'm gonna tell you a depression story of mine because I feel like I have to share this story with all of you. My life in general isn't a life that every person has in the world. It was and is very complicated. When I was in first grade I was very good psychologically and had many friends who really loved me. There were a lot of kids in my class but the only thing I didn't like was the boys because when I saw them I had a premonition that something was going to happen but I was not sure. I looked at them with fear until I realized that something was playing with my anxiety and my soul. And this thing that was eating away at me was depression. So I went to school every day with my friends until one day I saw a group of boys in front of me. They looked at me with a fiery look, I started to cry because I was so scared but I told myself to calm down and think positively about these boys. Every fucking day I had a feeling that something bad was going to start in my good life. One day I was walking to school when I entered the classroom I see a boy get up from the chair and I see him spitting at me. The whole class was laughing, the teacher was not in the class, no one went to call the teachers but NO ONE. They were laughing hard until I fell down with tears in my fucking eyes. I FUCKING FELT THIS FEELING. I FUCKING FELT IT HARD. It's like they put a knife in your heart and twist it until you bleed to death. It was the worst day of my fucking life. When I went home I had tears in my eyes but I didn't want my parents to see me, so I went to the bathroom and locked myself in there for about an hour and a half. I didn't feel anything at that moment. After that, I slept a bit and calmed down a bit but I didn't want to go to school the next day because of what happened. I have no fucking choice but to go. The next day no one spoke to me. I was feeling lonely because I thought my life would be fine without trouble. But no it's very different. From that day I felt very lonely. And from the first grade, all these awful things started. I didn't talk at all to the boys in my class but they always commented on me and I commented back to them. Every day they kicked me, pushed me, spat on me, and hit me with balls. Dude I was beside myself. Day after day they made fun of me outside in the yard and inside the classroom. I was truly shattered. When I was in the sixth grade I was very happy that I would go to high school because I knew that this would be the end of it if I went there. But this is not the end of the story because many differences happened there. Well, the first day of high school has arrived and I enter with a huge smile and huge anxiety. I didn't feel comfortable until I saw my friends with their bags. I felt very small in front of all the big kids as if they were crushing me.I felt different damn, I felt like this was all over and I was just going to start a new life but I knew it was going to be hard to get over all this and all the crap I went through in elementary school because of boys. Everything was fine until I saw the boys in my class who were with a group of other boys. I was calm, I didn't want to think about these boys. Anyway, the school was very nice and big with a lot of space with benches with plants and trees. Ι went to see the toilets because they looked very nice from the outside but when I went inside they were awful because they had thrown cigarettes in the basin. In general, I can't stand the smell of cigarettes at all. Then we saw the professors and got to know them all, some of them seemed very wild. Anyway, they still made fun of me and cursed me, but I didn't really get along with him, I just went against them a lot. Then the last day of the first high school arrived and we didn't write exams because of the virus. But we went to the square and got splashed with water. Then the summer holidays began very well. One day I was sitting and scrolling through my Instagram when I saw a very old friend of mine who was studying English with me, I was shocked because he had changed so much. I asked him, of course, if he remembers me, but at first he didn't remember me, but then I told him that we used to go together in English and he remembered me. From that day we talked every day and all day and we told our news in a row. I have missed him so much that I burst into tears.  I had no idea why I missed this person so much. We had a great time when we went to tutoring. He was the only one I trusted back then. We talked so well together and I told him all my problems and he told me his. Two months passed and we still talked and I thought that this person was a safe place but one-day things were not as good as I thought, he was very angry and I didn't know what to do and when I texted him he made fun of me a lot. And in the end, it ended in a fight. For some reason I was crying so much that I couldn't breathe, I thought I lost him but I did because he hadn't texted me in two months. One day he made a group on Instagram with the boys in my class. And when I entered I saw all the things that killed me at that moment. I was crying so hard without breathing air. I could not see the awful and unbelievable things they were saying about me. I felt a sudden pain in my heart that everything went to hell. They said that I have to leave and that no one wants me and many other things that hurt deeply. My mom was at home and I didn't want her to see me but she saw me and took my cell phone and saw it but I managed to turn it all off. I loved him so much that he hurt me and I couldn't find myself. I couldn't beat him with anything. I hadn't forgotten until after a month he sent me again and insulted me and said things that destroyed me inside, I couldn't help it psychologically, I had become shit inside myself, and I couldn't help being hurt by the same person every time, He sent me once a month just to mess with me and psychologically fuck me with all his might. After all this, he asked me to give him one more chance to meet and talk as friends and I gave him one last chance because deep down I feel very sorry for him. The other day I had calmed down a lot and I was fine but not so much. That night I was talking to him about cigarettes and I didn't say the name of the cigarettes correctly, he cursed me very badly and I was just telling him to calm down but the issue got worse. It was like he put a knife in my heart and finally destroyed it this time. He destroyed me this time. Tore me to pieces. I couldn't breathe with all that had happened in the past and now. He made me like himself. I had a big fight with him that night. I was trying at that moment to keep myself alive. But I couldn't hold myself with so much crying on my face and so much pain in my body so I made a decision I just wanted to die I just wanted to disappear from this world that doesn't want me anymore, it's better to be dead than alive for some people, I went to the bathroom and locked myself in for 2 to 3 hours and I had a razor in my right hand and a knife in my left. I had taken all this very seriously. I start and make the first slit with a knife. I felt a sense that this was the solution for so long breaking out is my only solution. I felt a pain in my back when I did it. I did it with so much crying and I just did it very deeply and every part of my body hurt. What have I done to myself? , What have I done to the outside world that doesn't want me anymore? Why do I live?, Who am I anymore?, Why am I so sensitive to everything? Why do I have to hurt myself? The only thing I know is that I'm not me. I WAS DEAD INSIDE AND OUTSIDE. I WAS FUCKING DEAD AND ANYONE CARED ABOUT MY FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH. When I made engravings on my hand I felt the blood flowing on my hands, I could only see blood and I was just already dead inside. I wanted to heal alone with no one by my side. 4 months have passed and he hasn't sent me anything else I was just so happy that I just wanted to scream from the pain inside. But even then I was not healed enough to live my life well. This man must come out to the world and say what he has done to girls and how he hurt her. This man needs to know what mistakes I made in his life and how he ruined my whole life. Since this man's name is Fotis, he is a child who will never behave well with the girls around him. I don't know how long it will be now but. I feel sorry for his girlfriend. After a few days, this group of boys came up to me and asked me how old I am and what my name is. I answered and then a boy from my class comes and greets them. At that moment I was so fucking shocked, it was as if I had been shot. The boy from my class was the kid who made my life hell in elementary school. At every break, I saw him talking to these boys and I felt that black feeling inside me again and again. Fotis was the last one to ruin my life with just his mouth and I didn't want to go through the same thing again with these boys because I know where I'll end up in the end. I will reach the sky alone in paradise. I started liking this group, but at some point, the person who made fun of me in elementary school came back to them and whispered something in their ear. I started to cry until one of them looked me in the eyes and told me to get out of their sight. What the hell does this world want to love me?, what should I do? I really can't figure out if I live on a planet with love or a planet where only rapists and people who hurt other people live. They do what they want to me without my right and when they do what they want to me I feel like I'm their trash and I don't feel anything else that I'm me inside I just feel like I'm nothing in front of all of them. But unfortunately, it started again. I liked this group, but it was not what I imagined. I thought it was kind, but no. Every day they looked at me at every break with a murderous look as if they wanted to kill me to death. I had done absolutely nothing to them. I can't understand why everyone is passing on rumors about certain people. It is very important to know that passing on information from others is forbidden because you never know this person and instead of knowing this person on your own you are making rumors and that is depressing. One day I realized that these boys don't like me and at the first break they come up to me and for no reason talk bad about my appearance and my weight. They didn't have time to tell me much because the bell rang to let us in. When I entered, I looked at this boy with a very nervous and sad look, trying to tell him the pain he has caused me in this sensitive heart and soul of mine. trying to tell him that this time if anything happens to me I'm dead and that my life is over. From that day on, they kept coming to my place and teasing me all the time. They pushed me and one of them spat on me. The other one called me karma and just badmouthed me along with everyone else. When the boy from my class joined them, they all called me a whore and a slut, and that I should get out of there because no one wants me anymore. The rumors they had said about me had spread throughout the school and we all know who said them. when my friends told me that the rumors had spread, I felt that anxiety again, that dark feeling. I once again entered this dark room of my soul. This room once drew me in. I went home sad and angry, I had so many mixed feelings that I couldn't feel anymore. I didn't want my parents to know about all this but I had told the school all this. The school didn't care at all about this issue. It annoys me so much when all the teachers say they care about their students, in the end, they don't care at all. How could they know what some were going through and how badly they have fallen into depression?  THEY DON'T CARE THEY JUST PRETEND TO CARE. I did what I could to hold myself and support myself as hard as I could. From that day on, I didn't feel like going to school at all, but I had to go. These boys would stop at nothing to tease me. Now they have made my life hell like in primary school and I just feel like dying. One day I wasn't feeling well at all and forced myself to go to school. At first, I was very hungry and I went to get something to eat in the school shop but in the corridor, I was walking I saw two boys from the group and one of them called me karma a hundred times and because I couldn't do anything else I kicked him in the leg, when I did this another boy pushed me and told me to go kill myself and disappear. It was the last word I didn't want to hear in this situation. I burst into tears and entered the classroom crying and very stressed. When I got in I sat straight at my desk and covered my eyes with my hands so they wouldn't see me cry. But my friend Andreas was sitting in front of me and he saw me crying so he asked me every second why I was crying. But at that moment I couldn't get a word out of my mouth, I felt like my eyes would bleed from crying so much. I was in pieces, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel my hands from the cuts, everyone around me was shouting and I closed my ears so I wouldn't hear anything and be in my dark side. After about 10 minutes I told the teacher crying and shouting that this boy told me to go kill myself, I felt so much pain when I said it in front of my whole class because I felt like they thought I was stupid and crazy but no one can feel what do you feel, it is impossible. We didn't do a lesson at all and just went to the principal to tell what happened to these children, I still hadn't stopped crying and I finally said what happened. I said everything one by one in front of these boys. The manager called them and told them that they have no right to call me that but she didn't give them a single fucking punishment. She only told them that if they say it again, they will be expelled for 2 days. She had to do something, dammit. She saw the pain in my eyes and didn't even make a fucking move to kick them out of school for all they've done. I FEEL LIKE TRASH. When we left the office, they looked me in the eye and said sorry, but I accepted it like the idiot that I am. I didn't tell them anything because I couldn't really talk to them. I went crying to my class and when I opened the door everyone was looking at me as if I were some kind of ghost. I wanted to scream and say why everything is happening to me and not to others. I was just the fool of the school. When I went home my eyes were red and my parents hadn't come home from work. It was 2 o'clock in the morning and I was awake crying and in pain. I did a lot of overthinking and said that I want to die, I just want everything to stop. I wanted to go to the bathroom to have a break but first I wanted to text all my friends and say a big thank you for everything they have offered me. I thought I should tell them something before I leave this world. I just wrote them a whole text about how much they have helped me in general throughout my life. They are my second family I think they look out for me more than my normal family. When I finished with the texts I left my cell phone in a corner and went to the bathroom and on my way I went to the kitchen to grab a knife. I went into the bathroom and grabbed a razor. I didn't know which of the two I wanted to break out with because the knife would hurt more and I would see a lot of blood on the floor so I chose to hurt with the razor. I start thinking about everything I've been through and I burst into tears. When I started to cry I took the razor and cut myself really hard more than 6 times. I said FUCK. The blood was running from my hands to my feet. I sat down and just put my head on the wall and cried myself to death. I knew very well that I would not die with so many cuts, but if I took the knife and put it in my heart I would die for sure. But before I did that, I thought and thought very carefully about all the words my friends had told me that I shouldn't make a fool of myself because they need me and I have to understand that if I left they would all be sad. I got up from the floor and looked in the mirror and squealed inside. Then I went to my room and took my cell phone and saw many messages from my friends. My hands were covered in blood and my cell phone was covered in blood, but I didn't really care. When I was reading all the texts that were sent to me, I said to myself that I am very lucky to have such people in my life. I love them so damn much. The other day I had exams and I just didn't want to go at all. But even then I had no other choice. The only problem I had was how I would go to school with such a hand. Anyway, I remembered that my father had the first aid kit in the car, so I took some things to cover my hand. I secretly covered it so they wouldn't see me. I went in to write and quickly finished and went out. I went to sit on the benches but there were the two boys who had made my life hell. I watched them looking at my hand and wondering why I had it covered like that, but they never came to ask. When I went home that day I saw a lighter on the table. I drank it and locked myself in the toilet for about 2 hours. My eyes really hurt from crying and like always I started crying again and again. I couldn't cry because the midwives hurt so much and I felt that instead of tears, blood would come out. I took the lighter and put it in my veins and started burning my skin. Then, because I was in pain, I put it on my leg. It's the best feeling I've ever felt in my life. It's like all your pain goes away with so much blood. These boys didn't know about my cuts. I started to feel a lot of insecurities about myself. My body and in general didn't feel good at all, so I wanted to change myself so that everyone around me would like me. From that day on, I stopped eating to lose a good amount of weight. I skipped my meals little by little until I was no longer hungry and could simply live without food and water. I had no energy for anything. I went to school unreadable, I didn't play, I was in bed all day, I slept all day, I was nervous with everyone, I tried to distance myself from my friends and family, I was very depressed, the outside world really destroys you. Anyway, I went to school normally and I was just like a zombie. When I was sitting at the desk I felt pressure in my stomach, I don't know what it was but I was very hungry and I ignored it. When the doorbell rang I sat next to the radiator and was just thinking about different things but when I raised my head I saw a friend of mine coming towards me very fast. He pushes me so hard that I fell and hit my head on the iron classroom door. I felt that they were touching me and holding my legs. They poured water on my face and then somehow I found myself. When I opened my eyes I saw my friends surrounding me and all the teachers. I heard them saying to bring an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I couldn't feel my legs or my hands. I couldn't feel my body at all. I had turned yellow, they put me in the ambulance and when we started the road to the hospital, this man asked me how I fell. I somehow explained to him how I was pushed but I couldn't speak at that moment. When we got to the hospital, I saw my mother crying and I told her that I'm fine and that I just have some headaches. When we left the hospital I went home and put the collar around my neck to be more secure. From that day on I passed out every fucking day. My organizer couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't really eating at all. I wasn't really hungry. So I was rushed to doctors and hospitals. When I did the tests the doctor told us that I don't eat and the blood doesn't go to the brain to function normally with the result that I pass out every minute. They had given me a bag of pills. I couldn't get through it all, the pills made me worse than my depression. Fortunately, after all these months I got well and somehow healed. The summer that everyone was waiting for to take their vacations came. And I just took my summer vacation. This summer was the best summer ever and I enjoyed it very much. And for a few days the schools would open. On the one hand, I didn't want to go. On the other hand, I wanted to go because I was bored with my life at home, so yes. The first day was fantastic but I heard some comments about me. My school looked very different from last year. The boys who cursed me had all left. Anyway, we got along with these boys and found them so we became friends. Anyway, my boy bestfriend was there so that was enough for me. All girls should have a boy best friend to protect them. some weeks passed and a new boy had arrived. I imagined my life with him but I said that nothing was going to happen with him. He was generally nice and kind to all the girls. One day my friend, because she knew him well, introduced him to me. His name is Fanis and we are the same age. I don't know, he just made my life perfect and made me believe in him very quickly. One day my friend had brought a vape and wanted me to try it. So we went to the toilets and vaped. It didn't hurt much because it also has nicotine and I didn't want this year to honestly destroy myself because I was doing very well with my health anyway. No matter how hard life is, I would never touch a cigarette and I have sworn to that. I went to school normally and at every break I was with Fanis and my friends, and we had a fantastic time with his jokes. Several weeks had passed and everyone around us said that we matched very well because we wore the same color a few times and when I heard that I was very happy to hear such nice comments about me. Finally my life became normal. Fanis was by my side in some things and that was enough for me. I just wanted a little help, that's all I wanted and I got this help. As the days passed I felt a small butterfly in my stomach and this butterfly was for Fanis. I was starting to have a lot of feelings for him because he somehow made me his own. And I finally told him how I felt about him but he also wanted me so he also told me how he felt about me. On October 14, we decided to become a couple. I was so happy that I had a lot of redness and it showed. I loved the hugs he gave me to everyone because he was not ashamed to show that he loves me with all his soul. He was not like Fotis at all. He was so different. I didn't go out with Fanis because my parents wouldn't let me go out, they said they were afraid. I explained to him that I can't go out and that my relationship with my family is bad, so I didn't want to talk about my parents. Luckily I also had English because I was able to go out with him an hour and a half before the lesson. I had a lesson three times a week. When we closed a week, he gave me a bracelet as a gift and I really liked how he remembered me, but I didn't take anything from him and he told me that it didn't bother him. He had told me to go out one day normally and I had already told him that I can't because my parents won't let me and I just understood that he wasn't interested in my problems at all. He only cared about going out and making out, but that didn't matter at all because he didn't care at all about my problems and what I had been through in general. Of course I told him that my childhood was awful and that I hurt myself at the slightest thing. But I ignored all that and just stayed with him because I didn't want to ruin this relationship of ours. We hardly talked from Instagram, I don't know why but we didn't talk much. One night we sat and talked for about 1 hour but then he fell asleep. When he said good night, I turned off the phone and just stared and thought if he is the right person for me. Because he didn't even care about my existence. I stopped thinking and joined the group I had made with my best friend and two of my friends and we just talked. But suddenly I was thinking about the past and how much I had been hurt by Fotis and all the others. It's as if that black feeling that I had many months ago came back again and bored me to the core again. I wake up and i think again. Really? I have to do this AGAIN? From the day I tried vape, I smoked every day. I haven't been well since I was with Fanis, I don't know, I was just afraid that he wouldn't hurt me and I just thought about the whole past from the beginning, it's like you've dived into the sea and you can't come to the surface because of this black feeling doesn't leave you for the third time. Every fucking day I used to smoke 8 cigarettes at school, in the school toilets. The girls' toilets stank of cigarettes because of me. My grades had dropped for good and I couldn't bring them up with this bad mood I had. I went to school dying with 5 packs of cigarettes in my bag, my parents knew nothing about my heavy depression. They wouldn't understand what I had, no parent ever understands how their child feels though. Fanis didn't know anything about the depression that had caught me when I was with him, he would break up with me straight away if he found out. I was 7 years old when it all started, 7 fucking years old. I used to smoke incessantly with my friend. I wanted a cigarette all the time. When I was in class I was shaking and the only thing that would stop the terror was a cigarette so every break I went to the bathroom and smoked a lot until I couldn't feel my legs and felt dizzy but I didn't pass out. When I came home from school, I went down to the storeroom and smoked 5 cigarettes and drank more than 3 glasses of wine. This was my routine. I smoked, I drank alcohol, I slept, I cried until late at night, I was trash. I never had the support of my family, my mother yelled at me all the time when I came home from school because of my grades. I couldn't do anything else. My own family hurts me. They were both shouting at me. And they blamed me for everything. However, I never had a good relationship with my family. I wish every day that I had different parents because with those parents I had I couldn't live normally and I can't and it hurts you so much that you have to live like this with these rules. I hated my whole fucking family. My sister didn't even care what I had and just wrote me off. The only children who helped me were Andreas, Paola, Joanna and Ben. They were always by my side in everything, especially Andreas who is like my brother. If they hadn't stopped me that night I would be dead now because they stopped me no one else.