Sweet Honour- Benedict Bridgerton

22. Que fais-tu?

Victoria said that she would stay for dinner.

Iris and Eloise, delighted, pulled Victoria into her bedroom and began to pin her hair up in curls so that they would have time to set for tea. Ada sat on the end of the bed, swinging her dangling legs and eating more sugary biscuits that Eileen brought in earlier with lunch.
The feeling stayed. It loomed over her, hanging over her head like a dispelled cloud.

"Que fais-tu?" She repeated in her head, "What are you doing?" and again "What are you doing?" It was as if her soul existed slightly outside her being, as though she was looking over herself in dissonance.
The girls finished pinning her hair, and Ada wished to play in the sun. Victoria feeling ever so melancholy decided to stay in the room and read her book, "Undine" by Friedrich de laMotte Fouqué.

"Bye the bye." Iris said as she left, behind Eloise and Ada on their way to the green. Victoria smiled back at her through the mirror, and looked down into the thin, cream paper of her book. Fouqué described the spirits living in the woods, Undine - the step daughter, an outsider, a rebellious girl who ran away after repercussion from her father. A girl who fled danger into another force of danger, Victoria resonated on some odd level, though one a story and one her real life, Undine's story offered an escape. Victoria read for hours long, time slipping away as she turned each page.

Victoria admitted, years later, that she could never describe this apparition about to occur.

She felt a gentle hand settle on her shoulder, she thought it was Iris saying yet another goodbye, but Victoria looked up into the mirror and saw a tall woman standing behind her.
She had golden blonde hair, strong blue eyes, fair light skin and rosy cheeks. She smiled, soft and comforting. Her white dress flowed in the breeze that came from the open window.

Victoria stared back at her mother.

Or, at least, a woman strikingly similar to her mother. No. It was her. Her eyes, her aura, her soul. Victoria stared in disbelief, her heart racing, she didn't want to blink. If she blinked she might disappear.

"Mama?" she croaked, she felt like a toddler again, roaming into her mothers room after a nightmare.

"Oh sweet girl." The woman whispered.

"Mama." It was all she could say, like she was a baby saying her first word.

The woman bent down to Victoria's ear, "Forgive, my darling."

Victoria blinked her tears away, and to her fear, the woman vanished. Forgiveness was a strong power, you had to be strong enough to handle the feelings that come after, sometimes regret and defeat. Victoria doubted that she was strong enough.

A deep breath in and an exhale stabilized her. She put on her pale blue dress. She practiced her smile in the mirror, and then walked down to the dining room.

She took a seat next to Eloise, and regretfully, directly across from Benedict again. She kept her eyes down and assessed the patterned plates, scanning the flowers painted onto the outskirts of the porcelain. Victoria had drifted into a world of her own, her eyes unfocused and comfortably looking into her glass of orange juice until Benedict cleared his throat.

"Ahem." He sounded, Victoria snapped out of her trance and raised her head to see the rest of the table looking at her.

"Pardon me, what is the matter?" She asked, rather confused.

"When will you be leaving, precisely?" Benedict uttered.

"Well, we think promptly after dinner, if that is acceptable?" Victoria asked, looking over to Violet who nodded. Ada grumbled from the other end of the table, seemingly dissatisfied that she will have to end her game of marbles with Gregory.

"We really did appreciate having you here." Kate smiled, "It is always nice to have a guest." The rest of the table nodded in agreement.

The rest of the dinner was about as cold as the carrots served with the roast. It was quiet, the clashing of marbles from Gregory and Ada filled in the gaps of sounds of cutlery and eating. Victoria pushed the peas around her plate.

"I thought we should take a promenade tomorrow, hm Ben?" Maude suggested to Benedict. Victoria's eyes snapped up to them. She was met with Benedict's eyes burning into hers. He nodded slightly, Maude smiled and returned to her mashed potatoes with a chuffed smile. He didn't look away from Victoria.

"Que fais-tu?" She repeated in her head, "What are you doing?" and again "What are you doing?"
The question proposed to both herself and Benedict. What were they both doing?

Time passed, dessert had been brought out. Victoria kept catching Benedict glancing at her in the reflection of her spoon.

She could not handle it. Feeling this burning within her, a fire of jealousy and lust. She just wished she could have him, but instead she felt like an accessory to their- whatever they had between them. "Forgive." repeated in her mind, forgive herself or him? Too many thoughts filled her mind she feared they'd spill over.

Dinner finally ended, the footmen brought down her family's trunks and set them into the carriage. They bid everyone goodbye and goodnight, Ada held her teddy in her arm as Eloise hugged her and promised to see her soon.

Victoria's inner fire had turned into ice, she was tired, tired of seeing the girl standing beside Benedict, clutching his arm. She was tired of worrying about the madman roaming about Ton. She was tired of adhering to the standards of a diamond.

The carriage ride was short and unnecessary, considering the houses were only minutes apart. Iris and Ada went straight upstairs to their rooms, while Victoria wandered into her fathers office, where she saw him still working.

His concentrated face was lit by the candle burning on the table.

"Yes, my darling girl." Mr Knight looked up from his papers. "What can I do for you?"

She wanted to tell him that she had seen her mother today in the reflection, that she was riddled with childish jealousy, that she had a weight on her shoulders that was unbearable.

"Nothing, I just wished to say goodnight. The three of us are back from the Bridgerton's, Ada and Iris are off to bed."

"All right," he said "goodnight sweet."

Victoria looked at the small portrait of her mother framed on the table and then turned out of the room, and went to her room to get ready for bed.

A dream of hot candle wax dripping onto her, she couldn't tell from where, woke her up from her sleep. She huffed.

Tea will fix it.

She walked into the kitchen, yawning, and began to make herself some warm tea. She did this often as her mother used to do for her after a nightmare, she sat on the sofa with her warm cup and sipped.

"Que fais-tu?" She repeated in her head, "What are you doing?"

She ignored the question and snuggled into a blanket left on the sofa, and drifted off to sleep again.