Right Side Up (Steddie)

I Can't Lose Him Again

Steve Harrington hated Independence Day. Or, more accurately, he hated the way Hawkins, Indiana was using Independence Day to try and erase what happened not even four months ago. The huge celebration the City Council was putting on felt forced and false. There had to be a better way to 'move on' as the mayor had put it. Maybe to the people that didn't know about The Upside Down, the people who thought it had just been an earthquake, the gaudy celebration and fireworks were fun. To Steve and his friends, it was just awkward. None of them had attended the town picnic on the high school football field or the fireworks display after sunset.

Steve sat on his bedroom floor, his knees up and his arms draped over them, staring at the wall, trying to block out the sounds of exploding fireworks in the distance. The Freshman, as he'd started referring to them even though they would be sophomores when school started again in the fall, had invited Steve to hang out with them and play Dungeons and Dragons. But playing D&D was the last thing he wanted to do. Besides the fact that he wasn't into fantasy games or role playing, The Freshmen, especially Dustin, and D&D depressed him because they reminded him of Eddie.

Steve didn't want to think about Eddie. In fact, Eddie was the last person Steve wanted to think about. But at the same time, Eddie was just about the only thing on his mind most of the time. Some days he did a good job of occupying his thoughts with other things. Days like today though, everything and everyone reminded him of Eddie in some way. That was why he avoided Dustin whenever possible. He knew it hurt Dustin's feelings, especially because he couldn't tell Dustin why he avoided him.

Dustin missed Eddie, too. Steve knew that. He knew Dustin needed him in his time of grief. He'd been holding Eddie in his arms when he died. Dustin had been devastated. Steve wanted to be there for him. But he couldn't. Eddie's death had been just as devastating to him as it had been to Dustin, maybe even more so. Because Steve had loved Eddie. Dustin did, too. But not in the same way.

All through high school Steve had a secret crush on Eddie. He was sure Eddie hadn't even known he existed. They didn't have the same friends. They didn't take part in the same activities. They didn't even have any of the same classes. Steve just watched him from a distance. Until Vecna.

They'd been thrown together in such a way that he'd gotten to know Eddie, maybe not as well as Dustin knew him, but well enough that his feelings for Eddie had grown. He saw a vulnerability in Eddie that he'd never seen before. And Steve was sure that Eddie flirted with him. No one else seemed to notice the looks he gave him, the subtle comments played off as sarcasm or goofiness. And by the end, Eddie had charmed him and won him over. They'd bonded over protecting their friends and saving Hawkins together, and Steve had fallen in love with him.

When Eddie didn't come back from The Upside Down with Dustin, Steve felt his heart shatter. He squared his shoulders and held Dustin while he cried, all the while he was falling apart inside. He didn't cry. Not in front of Dustin. He was strong for Dustin's sake, like Eddie would have been if their roles had been reversed. But the minute he was alone, he'd broken down and cried for hours.

Steve stood up and went to the window. He looked up. It was a moonless night, and the sky was dark, and Steve wished he had something to do. Fridays were meant for going out and doing things. But other than D&D with The Freshmen, there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. Robin was on a date with Vickie. Nancy had Jonathan back. Even his parents weren't around. They'd gone on a cruise and wouldn't be back for three more weeks. So, there was just Steve.