The Books of the Past

A letter to my first love

I don't remember the first time we met

I have only vague souvenirs of birthday parties

And a pretty blond boy who asks me to dance

It must have been you

I don't remember when you became my boyfriend

It was so long ago

I remember only feeling so happy and lucky

To be loved and cherished by you

You were too kind to me

Your letters, your gifts, your attentions

I remember how special they felt to me

How taking your hand was simply enough

But at the same time,

A part of me couldn't believe in your love

I was struggling and fighting demons back home

And thought I didn't deserve happiness

Maybe because of our unstable family

The inexistant love model in my life

And the battles I was fighting inside

I felt unworthy of your love

How to accept happiness in this mess

I didn't know back then

But even when I didn't want to lose you

I felt you were too good to be true

I trusted some friends' advice

Only to learn that they'd lied to me

I already let you go

And broke my own heart

The moment I realized my mistake

You were already with my best friend

I learned my lesson

Heartbroken by both of you

The years after that

Are basically full of regrets

I knew I fucked up

But I couldn't stop missing you

I felt like you were

The best thing that happened to me

And the words you wrote on that wall

Reminded me every time of what I'd lost

But they also reminded me proudly

That it had been real somewhen

That I had mattered so much to someone

That I had been loved by you

I remember the nights I couldn't fall alseep

Haunted by your eyes