Something Sweet - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Chapter Three: Past Lives

Chapter Warnings: This chapter goes more into Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier, including the mind wiping and brainwashing, what he did as the soldier, and the PTSD and nightmares he has because of it.

~~~

Y/N's brow furrows, and she nods. "Sure Bucky, what's up?"

"You um. You better come inside." He mumbles, his voice barely a whisper as he stands aside to let Y/N in. As she steps further into his apartment, Y/N looks around. Compared to her apartment, which is filled to the brim with all her pictures and other items, Bucky's apartment is barren, almost empty, in fact. Compared to her home, it's like a. A pillow and blanket lay strewn on the floor, and Y/N gasps. "Oh my god, Bucky, do you sleep here? On your floor?"

"Um... some nights, yeah." Bucky admits. "When the nightmares get too bad."

"Nightmares?"

"It's a long story. Please, sit." He gestures to the couch, the one purchase that Bucky's actually glad Steve and Sam convinced him to get. Although, despite the admittedly pretty comfy couch, Bucky still prefers to sleep on the floor. He's done it for so long by this point, he doesn't really know how to stop, to give himself the comfort he knows he needs. Honestly, Bucky still doesn't think he deserves good things in his life. Some discomfort and a lack of sleep is nothing compared to the pain and trauma he's inflicted on some many people for so many years.

And now he has to tell Y/N about it all. Taking a deep breath, Bucky continues. "This is going to be a lot of information at once, so if you need me to stop, explain or even repeat something, you just tell me, alright?" Warily, Y/N nods.

"Bucky, you're scaring me a little." She chuckles, and Bucky's stomach churns. If she's scared now, god knows how she's about to react to this. She'll probably never want to see him again. And the sad thing is, Bucky can't even blame her for it. If he was in Y/N's position, and someone he barely knew told him how they were responsible for so much death and destruction, he'd do the same thing. But although the thought of ever losing Y/N is enough to tear him up inside, he wants her to know the truth. From him, and nobody else.

"When Steve said it feels like he's known me for what feels like a hundred years... he wasn't lying." Taking another deep breath, Bucky tries to ignore how much his heart is pounding, and how much he just wants to run away and ignore this.

But no. Y/N deserves the truth. He at least owes her that.

"Steve and I fought in World War Two together."

"Bucky. That's ridiculous, that would make you both-"

"Over a hundred years old, I know. I'm actually 106, and Steve is about 105. They gave us a super soldier serum that stunted our growth and helped us look so young." Y/N blinks back at him. He can see it in her eyes. She thinks this is completely insane. Little does she know, he's only getting started.

"No, Bucky. I'm sorry, but if this is a joke, it's not funny."

"Y/N, please. Listen to me. I swear to you I am not lying." He begs. Immediately, Y/N stops protesting. With another deep breath, Bucky continues. "Steve became Captain America, and I helped him on a lot of his missions. Now, we're part of the Avengers, a group of heroes dedicated to saving the world." Well, Steve and Sam are Avengers, anyway. Bucky just seems to be one because of his association with them. To be honest, Bucky doesn't think most of the Avengers want him around. Especially because of his past. And even though it hurts to think that... he knows he can't blame them for it. What happened to him and the monster he became because of it are so intrinsically woven into his existence now. He's always going to be the Winter Soldier, no matter how hard he tries to forget or atone for what he's done. And people are always going to hate him for it.