Out to Sea

November, 1976

In the months following their last encounter, Brandy's mind could not help but spiral ever so slowly. Questions whirled through her head every so often, wondering why Andrew had not done as he had in their previous meetings. Had he truly grown tired of only seeing her once a year, not wanting to prolong their mutual heartbreak any longer? Or did he not think those sweet promises that held Brandy bound to him were needed anymore? Either way, the next time she saw him, Brandy would be sure to get a straight answer from him. She had promised her mother that she would only allow herself to love a man who could give her that love back to her tenfold all those years ago as they sat in her mother's bed, her mother taking her dying breaths to ensure her daughter would never experience the pain of heartbreak. She knew in her heart that Andrew was the one for her, but her head still reminded her in her mother's voice that men like him only have enough room for one love, the sea.

She let that oh so memorable anticipation build over the next 11 months, the desire to see her lover again and know that, one again, even if for a few days at most, he was choosing her coursing through her veins as each day passed. Brandy had come to terms with the possibility of him not coming long ago, but a quiet fear sat in the depths of her mind. If he had kept his silent promise to not return, she knew that it would break her. However, she had hope, no, faith, that Andrew would return to her, letting her love him for even one more day. Nonetheless, that fear persisted, plaguing her thoughts with what-ifs and seemingly impossible scenarios where she had to live without him. Her heart, in full, had been given to him piece by piece over the last few years. Whether he knew it or not, she had laid her love down at his feet, giving him the power to crush her heart or hold her ever closer to himself.

As November came to an end, Brandy continued with her daily duties, working the bar from afternoon to late evening. Though, as her birthday neared, she could not help but become more attuned to the door and, more importantly, the people who walked by outside the window next to it. She had become acutely aware of the men that Andrew seemed to travel with, eyeing as many faces as she could to prepare her in case he would be the next through that door. She was able to distract herself from the doubt that began to push forward while running the bar, letting the merriment of the men and women of the establishment warm her mood and keep her mind from spiraling into a sea of questions. At night, though, as she returned to her small home and laid down for the night, she couldn't help but feel like the space was too big without him in it. His significantly taller build had been comical in the times that he had visited her and her furniture seemed to be just a bit too small to accommodate his longer legs. Memories of their conversations and sweet moments flooded her mind, reminding her of not only what made the wait so worth it, but also what she would lose if he never came back.

She was constantly teetering between doubt and completely assurance, fighting the thoughts that had held her back in life in order to give herself over to the love of a man that had yet to promise her anything more. She truly believed that he loved her as well, but she found herself questioning whether that would be enough for him to turn away from the only work he had ever known and settle down with her in that harbor town. She had let herself simply live in the moment before, but as her 24th birthday approached, she found herself thinking about what the future could realistically hold between them. Brandy wanted, needed, to know that in the end he would have her and she would have him.

On the night before her birthday, Brandy clutched to that pendant he had given her four years ago, longing for him to walk through that door. She had even found herself staring intently at the door at times, her unblinking eyes stinging due to her fear she may miss his entrance. The time never came, though, where he would enter through that old door and relieve her of the worry that had bubbled up in the pit of her stomach. As she curled into bed that night, she found herself chanting, there's always tomorrow. If she could remind herself of this fact, there would always be hope that he would come back to her at some point.

The "tomorrow"s, though, all had the same outcome. Brandy would go through her day as she always did, silently praying he would be there at some point. Each night, she felt the disappointment grow as the fact that this was the first birthday he had missed since she met him settled into her heart and head. The doubt she was once able to conquer had managed to weasel its way back to the forefront of her mind, beating out her faith in the man who had yet to return to her more and more as the days went on. The next few weeks had passed seemingly in a blur, with the only solace from the blender of her thoughts and emotions being when she laid her head down at night. There, at least, Brandy could dream about him, basking in the love she felt as she replayed their memories in her head each night. It would never be as sweet as the real thing, though, and that fact alone was enough to wear her down to a point where the sailors that frequented her bar had started to notice. They would ask her what was wrong, but she would simply say that this time of year was especially hard for her without her mother and move along, refusing to let her heart break for the man that she yearned so heavily for.

The next thing she knew, Brandy was pulling out the old decorations her mother had stored in the back room when she was a child. As Christmas approached, she desperately wanted to keep up with some semblance of her normal routine this time of year, even if she had yet to have been revitalized by the curly-haired Irishman. Before him, she had always found herself wondering what it would be like to have a love so great and to spend such a special time with that love blanketing her in a warm embrace. Even if he hadn't been there during the actual holiday, she had always felt a little better knowing that he had cared enough to come in the first place. Now that she has still yet to see him, she felt her heart splintering slowly into shards that stabbed at her chest, the ache overcoming the overwhelming love she had once felt. She had denied herself the possible truth in those last three weeks, continuing the raging battle between doubt and faith in her mind until her vision practically blurred.

Now that she was about to enter the new year without the promise of a love she found so sweet and so raw, she felt her heart practically holding itself together with a few pieces of thread. The doubt had become too much, the foolishness she had once felt what seemed like forever ago rushing back as she began questioning her decisions that led her to her current position. She was curled up, alone, on her now too big bed, the space to her left missing a certain warmth she had been denied of. After weeks of holding out hope, Brandy finally let herself break. Tears fell from her eyes, the rivers dragging down her face pooling onto her pillow case as she let every emotion she had held back come to the surface. In that moment, Brandy knew why her mother had warned her against a man like Andrew. No matter how sweet that love was, the heartbreak was an all-consuming fire, burning everything in its wake as she replayed every single moment they had shared. As she fell asleep, teary-eyed and utterly exhausted from the internal struggle she had finally given up on, another saying her mother had engrained in her from a young age. All good things must come to an end. It was up to Brandy how she chose to proceed with her life.