The Vurpilesto

Michael Monroe, a Tragedy of the Mind

Though, even with the divinity in my veins and the ironclad helmet of a mind that keeps the Vurpilatte lineage superior and ever more knowledgeable than those that oppose it, the universe still contains secrets. Secrets, however, are simply unknown facts fought against the wall of time - unwilling in their pursuit to not be revealed.
One such secret of the universe that I, the Great One-
MY RIBBBSSS MY RIBBS! WHY IS NOBODY HELPING ME? MY RIBBSSSSS!
One such secret that I still keep behind a veil of uncertainty is as thus: is Micheal Monroe a woman or just gay?
A face of tragedy, with an uncertain connotation - it's one of the greatest secrets the universe chooses to hold. Matti Antero Kristian Fagerholm, colloquially known as Micheal Monroe, is one of the most secretive members of the human species that roams this same planet as us. However, this planet is also occupied by all the surviving members of the Vurpilattes, including I, the Great One, and through the power vested in my bloodline, I am certain that the secret of Micheal Monroe's affiliation will be revealed.
With time, any secret may be unveiled. As the promiser of great knowledge, I, the Great One, can do naught more than share the pieces a part of my unknown claim.
I, the Great One, is certainly not, along with the Vurpilatte bloodline, thought the greatest of them, not the one and only holder of sacred knowledge. Even with the divine omnipotence vested in this family, other beings of the mortal plane may possess knowledge similar to that of the Vurpilatte's great tapestry of knowledge. My blood may not be surpassed, but it may be compared, if not by very few.
With this understanding, I, the Great One, look to the claims of others for assistance in coming to a conclusion and complete understanding. One of the wisest travelers I have come across in my great search for knowledge was Pinterest User "Vince".
The character of Vince is one I have grown to admire. Not admire more than my own superior intellect, but admire nonetheless. Vince, even with their intelligence surpassing that of most average members of the species, has failed to solve this secret of the universe. However, Vince has attempted to tackle the mystery of Micheal Monroe's affiliation. As Vince said on a Pinterest post, knowledge so pure it may as well be etched into stone, "is that a random chick or is that Micheal?"
Judging by Vince's uncertainty on the topic of Micheal Monroe and the reason behind his - as I, the Great One, deem "Monroeness" - it is to be assumed that the answer to this secret is well hidden in the fabric of space and time.
While I believe that evidence is a fallacy, there are other informed observations to be made. Another argument towards both sides of the debate, a debate so crucial to the universe that it may just tear it apart, is the statements and wisdom supplied by the Micheal Monroe Artificial Intelligence. When prompted with the reality-tearing question: "Are you gay?" the Micheal Monroe Artificial Intelligence replied "Yes. I am gay." Of course, all coins have two sides, as the next question asked to this Micheal Monroe simulator was "Are you a woman?" the robotic masterpiece, a marvel of technological wonder, answered "Yes. I am a woman." With the contradicting claims of such a reliable source, the mystery still remains unsolved.
It truly is a travesty, an unknown piece of our reality, that I, the Great One, truly wish could be unveiled. However, in my countless lifetimes, I still have not been unable to uncover the secret behind Micheal Monroe - a man of mystery and mystique.
It is a true tragedy.