Until I Found You

00 (a) - "One Day At A Time"

TW - Suicide ideation

Ansh -

The river looks serene at this hour of the night. The moon shining at its brightest, casting a silver glow over the softly flowing water. There isn't even one ripple that I can see on the surface - it is the epitome of calmness.

Unlike everything inside me.

My legs shake as I walk around the steps of the ghaat and climb the frail ladder to reach the small bridge. Walking ahead for a mile, I the way to the overbrigge and ten minutes later, I am standing near the parapet of the overbridge, the stillness of the night against the hard pounding in my chest. My hands are clammy, and I can still hear the phantom sound of the ambulance sirens and my own wails in my ear.

Crickets are crying out loud in the background somewhere, and blood is rushing in my ears at the prospect of what I am about to do.

But I need to.

Jump.

Jump.

Jump.

A voice inside me head whispers, my heart in my mouth as I stare at the waterbody below. Almost a hundred feet above water this bridge is a declared suicide point - has been for years.

Tomorrow, the headlines won't be anything new - "A thirteen year old jumped from the infamous over bridge and succumbed to death after drowning". Sounds fair to me. And absolutely nothing new. I have lost count of how many similar news Mom used to gasp at every morning, while reading the newspaper. The identities changed, but the news format always stayed the same.

I am going to be just one more name in the list. And nobody will question my motives. Everyone will know why. They have to know why.

A cold breeze makes me shiver, and it is in that moment I realize I have been crying. My cheeks are wet, all over again.

But then, I have never been good with the outside world, without my parents - especially my mother. Neighbors have tagged me as the. mumma's boy way too often, but it also has been the truth. People make me uncomfortable. Mom makes me feel safe.

Used to.

More tears roll down my cheeks. I have been a sensitive kid, but mom always used to sit me down and cuddle me before explaining how my soft nature wasn't a flaw. Me being sensitive didn't mean I lacked something.

But now, there is no one to explain that to me again. No one to tell me it's okay. No one to hold my hand when I get nervous. No one to cuddle me like Dad used to before he tickled me to hell.

Now, in this moment - I am an orphan, after all.

Jump.

Jump.

Jump.

The voice inside my head grows louder, and everything else starts to quiet down. The water below seems too tranquil - as if it's calling my name.

Come home Ansh, jump.

My grip on the railing tightens before I end up exhaling heavily. My entire body is shaking, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know anything anymore. I just need to not be left alone in the world that doesn't have my mom and dad, and my little sister anymore. I don't want to live without them - I don't know how to.

I lean forwards, to embrace the water calling when I hear it - a whimper.

It takes me a few seconds before I realize there is someone else on the bridge - I am not alone as I assumed. The figure is hidden in the shadow - a couple feet away from me. I don't know why, but I walk the distance and sit on my knees.