The World is Ugly (MCR Fanfiction)

4. Self Destruction

"I-I-I love her" I sobbed.

Wait did I actually just say that?

I spent so long trying to block out any emotions. I build walls around me to keep myself from getting hurt and from me becoming vulnerable. If you don't love anyone you can't be hurt. Or that's at least what I told myself. The only person I had let those walls down for was Adrenaline...and now I'm about to lose her.

Ghoul stayed silent. He had nothing to say and I didn't want him to say anything. Finally he managed to speak up.

"How long have you guys been...whatever you guys are."

What am I supposed to say? I could barely think straight because of the pain in my arm started to kick in again and the ache in my heart appeared.

"A few months." I said finally kneeling in front of the door. I needed to sit the pain in my arm was getting too much,

"Are you ok Cyanide? Is it your arm?" Ghoul said.

I missed him so much. I was glad to be back with him but I wasn't glad to see Party was still an alcoholic and Adrenaline now hated me.

"Yeah it hurts." I said half lying.

My arm did hurt but it was the overwhelming sadness that hurt more. Maybe I should go back to my tent and just have a couple drinks and try and forget this. Maybe today is the day when the alcohol would actually help me forget. I keep trying but it never works.

In case you didn't know I was an alcoholic. Just like Party. I managed to sneak some drinks from the canteen every now and then but Adrenaline usually catches me so I have to do it when she is not around. Adrenaline found out recently that I have a "drinking problem" as she calls it so she has been trying to get me to stop.

She thinks I'm addicted to the actual drinks but she's wrong. I'm addicted to the self destruction. I have what I like to call a self destructive personality. I have a tendency to get addicted to things that hurt me, like alcohol, self harm and drugs. Although I've gotten passed the drug use, I've still been cutting and drinking.

Part of me doesn't want to stop. The part of me that doesn't see a problem with what I'm doing tells me I'm fine but the scars on my thighs and the constant puking up my lungs says otherwise.

"Here I'll get you a couple pain killers and you can sleep on my bed. I'll take the couch." Ghoul said helping me up off The ground.

"Thanks. Are you sure it's fine to take your bed? I can sleep on the couch." I said walking to the front room with him.

Ghoul grabbed a water bottle from a cabinet and a pill from a different cabinet and said,

"No it's fine. I'm fine on the couch."

Ghoul handed me the water and pill and I quickly swallowed it.

Ghoul walked me into a room. Man this place was big for a hideout. It could also be that I'm used to staying in a tent so everything looks like a palace compared to that.

There was an actual bed! Not some makeshift mattress or just blankets, an actual bed! Man I kinda wish I wasn't a loner killjoy now because I could get used to this.

"Here you go. I'll leave you to sleep. You've had a long day and I assume you need a lot of rest. We have to catch up in the morning." Ghoul said smiling slightly.

"Yeah thanks." I said before sitting down on the bed.

"Ok goodnight."

"Wait!" I said before Ghoul walked out.

"What?"

"I missed you." I said tears welling up in my eyes.

What was with me?! Emotions ew. I sound like a sociopath but I swear I'm not.

"I missed you too sis." He said before hugging me and leaving the room.

I forgot how much I loved him. He was always there for me when I needed him and I left him. How could I do that? What kind of sister leaves her brother because of what his drunk friend said? I'm a horrible sister. I should have stayed and been there for him when he needed me.

I've always hated that part of myself for running away. No matter how many drinks I've had it could never make me forget. That's all I wanted to forget. Ghoul and how much I missed him.

This is all Party's fault! If he wasn't drunk then he wouldn't have said that! I don't really have room for judging people about getting drunk though.

Now I'm just trying to make myself angry at Party. I wish I could be mad but I can't. It's not his fault I reacted like that.

I need to got to bed soon. My arm was killing me and I need to sleep. Maybe in the morning I can go back to my hideout and have a couple of drinks and then talk to everyone.

I set my sunglasses on the side of the bed and curled into a ball. If I could say I fell asleep quickly I would but that's not the case. Instead I played this game that I call 'Think of Everything You Ever Did Wrong. Night Edition.'

It took awhile and a lot of self control not to punch a wall but I finally managed to fall asleep.