Did you mean it?

First Rule of Fight Club

JJ awoke in his shack the morning after he kissed Kiara Carerra and was a complete mess. You kissed her, he thought, you fucking idiot. He stared at the ceiling above his bed and continued to berate himself internally for such lack of control. Honestly, he couldn't make sense of how it happened.

He mildly questioned whether or not Kie was dabbling in witch craft and had a spell on him. How else could you explain his unchecked behavior when in close proximity to her? He was powerless, his emotions and desire for her taking control at the worst moments and defying all logic.

At least he had the sense to leave the dock before he could make things worse. He remembered her pulling away, realizing what was happening. They just stared at each other, wondering what happened. Each wanting the other to explain the unsaid question. How did they get here? He couldn't help his smirk, he was dumbstruck. He kissed Kiara Carerra and she had been kissing him back. It was unbelievable. He felt like they understood each other in that moment. Giving in to each other in a way that stupid no Pogue on Pogue macking rule never allowed.

Had been kissing him back, he reminds himself. And then she was looking into his soul and he had no idea what she was thinking. Her face unreadable with an expression he's never seen on her. Searching him for something. The language their tongues were talking went mute when they weren't together.

He didn't want to leave, but he knew he was pushing it as it was. It was the middle of the night and they were alone with only the light of the moon and stars to gaze on them and JJ was barely sure he had the strength to walk away let alone keep his hands from pulling her into him if he stayed. So he left. Not a word said.

It wasn't a run but it was fast enough that he could pretend he hadn't heard her stand. She didn't follow him, thank god. He was certain he'd done irreparable damage to their friendship. At a minimum he'd have to endure her telling him it was a mistake and that they had rules for a reason.

And he couldn't really disagree in this moment. Since he's started slipping, his long standing feelings breaking out of their cage, he had pushed her away and things weren't the same. It wasn't like harmless flirting that she bantered back to. She was reading into him, assessing him. He hated it. He hated how the one person he didn't want to know his feelings was ripping the wall around them brick by brick, leaving him vulnerable and exposed.

He grabbed his phone and checked the time. He had to get to the Marina in a couple hours for work. He groaned out loud in frustration when he remembered that he didn't have his bike because, back in that moment, fuck his bike. He couldn't stop for anything and just walked back to his shack.

Now he had to return to the chateau, and Kie.

----------------------------------------------------

Kiara swings in the hammock at the chateau. She's replaying the night over and over and over. She closes her eyes and all she can think of is his lips on hers. It's everything she's ever thought a kiss could be. More so even. Her stomach pulls when her memory progresses to him taking steps back. He's smirking and she at first thinks he's happy. Like he's feeling what she's feeling. She's waiting for him to say something. Tell me how you feel, she silently begged. But he just stared back at her. Then he just left.

Kiara could barely register what had happened before he pushed himself off the railing and took off down the dock. She rose to call back to him but her mouth went dry and she froze. Why was he running away from this? He kissed her. She leaned in and he made no effort to stop it. He cupped her face and grabbed her back.  The only reason she stopped was because she didn't want to hurt him.

As she thought about it she began to doubt. Maybe he realized it wasn't what he wanted. Maybe it didn't happen at all and she hallucinated the whole thing.