PAINTED LOVE

ONE

loïse madden

. . . . . .

God, I love skills lab.

I love dissecting a heart, or a brain, or hell, even a freakin' spider's leg. I love it for feeling like I'm actually doing something useful for this world. I love holding my hand right above a broken organ and seeing it tremble slightly, just because I'm excited. I love knowing exactly what to do when the attending surgeon tells me to dissect this heart.

I take the scalpel in between the middle and index finger of my right hand and hold the spreader in my left. I look at the clock before I start cutting the pig's heart open. It's 10:36. I'm supposed to be able to do this in 4 hours, to get this whole heart cut into pieces and find the teared blood vessel, repair it and close the heart up again.

As I put the scalpel on the heart, I feel this heated feeling rising up in my chest. It's awesome. It's comprehensive. It's... making me forget what to actually do.

"Madden?", the attending, doctor Taylor, asks. He's a middle-aged man with glasses, little hair but above all... a wondrous pair of brains up there. He's the best cardiac surgeon they have in New York City. And he's standing right in front of me, looking down at the heart I already put my scalpel in.

"Madden? Are you still planning on actually doing some dissecting?", he, doesn't really, asks. I try to nod my head and answer: "Yes, sir!", a bit too quickly. He raises his eyebrows and walks away.

Okay, that was the most humiliating interaction I could've experienced with someone like Taylor. I look back down at the heart, into the microscope, and don't move the scalpel. Something's holding me back.

Crystal, my roomie and best friend, is standing next to me. She looks very focused and has the heart cut in half already. She frowns at the fascinating sight of the Papillary muscles.

I slowly move the scalpel. The sharp knife forces a small amount of blood to come out of the organ. It colors my white gloves into a more pinkish color. I cut further, all the way down so I can easily open the heart and actually dissect. All the valves seem intact, everything looks great. A healthy heart. Yet it's not supposed to be healthy. Somewhere between the dozens of veins and arteries is supposed to be one teared blood vessel.

I take a closer look under the microscope but can't seem to locate it at first sight. I sigh and look back at the clock. It's 10:50. I'm suddenly not so sure that I will be able to finish this dissection on time. Crystal, on my left, seems to have already detected the tear and is already placing the graft in place. She's definitely going to win this non-competitive competition and I'm totally in for it.

I study the right atrium. Nothing. I study the left one. And there, under a ton of flesh, is a small bleeding of a vein. Got it. I cut the vein open, carefully, and place the graft inside. It takes me a while to make sure it's placed safely so I could guarantee this pig the rest of his beautiful life, if it wouldn't have been dead already.

Graft's placed, time to close up the vein. I use vascular sutures. As I'm just on the last stitch, I see someone's arms rise up from the side of my eye.

Dammit, Cameron's done already. Taylor walks his way over to check out his dissection.

"I guess it looks... okay", Taylor admits when he sees Cam's work. I'm watching delightfully as Cameron's anoying smirk gets wiped right off his face. Crystal looks at me with widened, bright blue eyes.