My Miracles

019

I stiffly laid in this uncomfortable bed staring at the wall. My finger twitched every so often as a reaction of the random babbling from the twins. They were sitting on the chair playing with toys my mama brought for them.

As for right now, the room was quiet. Aria had a cold so her sniffling was heard when the snot started to run down her nose. I turned my head to look at them. For the last few hours I've been lost in my thoughts. It was depressing and was making me over think simple things. I feel like this hospital is doing me more harm than good.

While looking at the two, my mind drifted off. My small worlds. My hearts. The only people who will ever truly belong to me. The only ones who I can call my own.

But with the good thoughts came the bad.

What if I wish they didn't belong to me. If they weren't even here. Was all of this because of them? But who would I be to blame babies that aren't even 1 yet. If they never would have started to grow in my stomach, this wouldn't be happening. I wouldn't be in a hospital bed partially because of their dad. I wouldn't be constantly arguing with him if they never came.

I took my time to stare at their features. Looking like straight clones of their father. I can't blame them. It's their dad I should be mad at. He's the one that hurt me, not them. He knows better, not them. He put his hands on me, not them. Anger started to grow within me and I wanted to scream. At them. At my mama. At anybody that walked in this room.

"Hey babygirl. I didn't know you woke up." My mom walked out the bathroom. My neck snapped at her as I tried to calm myself down. "Mhm. Been up for a while now." I took my previous position and starting to stare at the wall again. I was lowly trying to catch my breath. In the inside
I had already started beating myself up about the thoughts I was having.

"How you feeling?"

Like I want to kill myself.

"Okay I guess. Are you okay?"

"Imma be okay when I know you're safe and healthy again." She sat next to my bed. When she said the word safe I thought that back to the strange man that crept in my room 2 nights ago. I still didn't know who it was and didn't think of the situation until now. "Mama."

"Yes baby?"

"When do visiting hours end?"

She thought back, "Um 6. Maybe 7."

"So..no one is allowed in here after those times?" I hesitated.
She shook her head. My breath got shaky but still, I had to calm down. She left from by me and grabbed Saint and Aria. "Your mama is woke. You able to hold them?" She struggled to keep both of them on her hip. "No." I partially lied. Truth is I didn't know.

I felt bad for neglecting them since I had woken up but something inside me wasn't allowing me to love them like I wanted. Every time I see them I want to see the little miracles I birthed but I just see their father. I pray to God I'll be better. Deep down I know I missed my kids despite how much my fucked up mind tried to make me believe I didn't.

Silence wrapped around my head. I almost smiled at the sound of nothing. Maybe this is what I need. Unfortunately my peace was cut short when a knock was placed against the door. In came my doctor with a clipboard and bottle of water. "Hello Zahra. How you feeling today?"

"Tired." I said almost in a whisper.

My mom sat the twins down and got closer to us. "I'm here to check on you and your vitals. Depending on what I see, you'll be able to be released by tomorrow. On another good note, we were able to drain all of the Fentanyl out of your system. You will be very weak for the next couple of weeks and it's only temporary but I recommend you taking it slow. Too much movement can lead to nausea," she stopped to look at me sincerely, "You know, Zahra it's a miracle that you're still alive. Fentanyl is a deadly drug."
I could see the tears brimming my mama's eyes but I sat blank faced, lost in space. "Thank you so much.  When will-"

She was cut off by one of the babies crying. I knew it was Aria by her high pitched screams. It seems like my mama was taking her precious time getting to her and her cries were making me feel anxious. I started to tap my finger rapidly along the arm rest of the bed. "Ma get her out. I can't hear the doctor." I frowned. "She just hungry. She's gonna stop."

She continued to bounce her up and down until she could get her bottle prepared. "Just give me the bottle." I accidentally snatched it from her. My nerves had gotten worked up and I needed Aria to stop crying. I shakily poured the two scoops of powder into the water.

"I could've did it." Mama mumbled, taking the now fixed bottle from me and putting it into Aria's mouth. Still she cried.

"Ma get her out of my room." I started to rub my temples in annoyance.
"Zahra-"

"Get her out! Matter of fact, get both of em out and you can leave yo self! I don't wanna hear all that!" I snapped. Too lost in my head. I didn't even realize the doctor was still in the room. My mother grabbed the twins but before she could leave the room, something caught her attention. I felt my consciousness leaving when an abrupt ringing sound erupted in the room. "SHE'S FLAT LINING!"

Was the last thing I heard before everything went black.

I ran through the hospital hall, slowing down as I got closer to Zahra's door. Without knocking I bust into the door and scanned the room. Ella was standing behind all the doctors and nurses, crying into her hands. I jogged to her and pulled her into my chest. No matter how mad she was at me, I know she needed somebody. "What happened?" I mumbled, looking at them pull a breathing tube from Z's throat.
"She's been on and off the ventilator for about 2 hours. They keep saying she can finally breath on her own but 30 minutes later, she's back with a tube down her throat." She sobbed.

I felt guilty as hell watching her lay half dead on the bed. I was scared they wouldn't be able to keep her alive. I can't take care of kids on my own. I wouldn't be able to deal with the hurt of losing Zahra. She meant a lot to me even though everybody thought otherwise. I even tried to make myself believe it.

I started to pace back and forth through the room while Ella talked to the doctors. "Shit bro!" I pushed a nearby cart into the wall. I just wanted to breakdown and apologize over and over again to this girl. "Sir! We're going to have to ask you to calm down." The doctor snapped her head at me.
"Nah bro. When the fuck she waking up?!" I moved closer to the bed and stood at the end.

Z looked so different. She didn't have that glow to her anymore. I know I'm the reason she didn't. I fucked her up bro.
"Can you calm him down or we'll have to remove him?" The lady glanced at Ella before sticking a needle into Zahra's arm. The lines on the screen went back to normal and the other nurses left.

Ella didn't say nothing, just looked at me with a slight mug. I took that as my que to shut the fuck up. "Can she still be released soon?" Ms. Lovett asked the doctor. With a slight nod from the lady, Ella released a breath and so did I.
Until now, I never knew how much I needed her. I had gotten so used to her presence that it was getting weird without seeing her.

"Let me talk to her? Please." My voice cracked as I looked between the two ladies in the room. Ella hesitantly agreed and left the room with the doctor. I sighed and sat next to the bed.

"I'm so sorry.
I know you're tired of hearing me say it but I really am. I feel so fucking stupid Zahra and I don't know if you're here because of me but I know I played a part in it. I'm still this immature ass nigga and I know that but I'm trying to change. I'm trying for you and Saint and Aria. I wanna be there for you but I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry."
Tears slipped down my face unwillingly.

I felt the softness of her hand slip onto mine. She didn't say anything. Her touch was all I wanted. All I needed.