Acting in Grey's

Real Family

*WARNING MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AND MIGHT HAVE TRIGGERS FOR VIEWERS THAT HAVE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS*

It has been a while now and I am now back at work but my anxiety has honestly gotten worse over the past couple of days.

THE BIG STORM EPISODE

Thunder crashes and I come in soaked.

Oh my gosh, Sloan, are you ok, Mark asks.

I-I'm fine, just cold, the bus dropped me off and I just didn't want to bother you to come get me I knew you were probably too busy, I say to him.

Thunder crashes again and my heart rate increased.

I started having trouble breathing and then all of the sudden I passed out.

Eric knew that wasn't in the script.

Call Jessica, now, Eric says picking me up.

Sarah calls Jessica and Jessica rushes over to where Eric took me.

What happened, is she ok, is she hurt, Jessica asks worried.

She just freaked out, I think she had a panic attack, I know she's been staying with you for a bit, did you know about her anxiety, Eric asks.

No, I didn't, she never said anything about her anxiety giving her a problem, but a lot of stuff has happened in the past few weeks, so I wouldn't be surprised if she did have any anxiety, Jessica says.

I wake up and see Jessica.

She's awake, honey, can you hear me, are you ok, Jessica asks me.

I shake my head and start crying.

She pulls me into her arms and holds me close.

I heard that she passed out, is she, oh no, what happened, Sara says worried.

She had a panic attack, Eric says.

What, Sara says even more worried.

I sniffle and wipe my tears.

I—I'm ok now, I can keep doing the episode, I say getting up and helping Jessica up.

No, you are not ok, you had a panic attack sweetie, let's take you back to my trailer so you can rest and we can talk, Jessica says.

What is there to talk about, my parents gave me up, I already had enough trauma the first time but they just don't care, they opened up more of my trauma and hurt and abandonment issues, I have to relive it all over again, you have no idea how bad this feels having to replay every possible scenario where the adoption agency comes and takes me away, I might get to be at this job and work with my family, not knowing if I'm going to be taken away from you and Chris and the kids, not knowing when or how my future is going to look like, that sucks, having all this pain and hurt in me and not being able to let it out because the more emotional I am the less a family would want to have me, not including the fact that I'm a teenager and no one wants to have teenagers so I'll be stuck in the foster system until I get kicked out at 18, my parents probably didn't even want me in the first place, they wanted the money that comes along with me, so please just stop being nice to me and welcoming, because that's just going to make the process of me leaving this amazing family much much worse, I say crying.

I turn and walk away.

Everyone that was there, the crew and the cast and directors just stood in shock.

All my emotions that I hid from the very beginning came out and my hurt and pain was shown through the words I said.

Jessica knew from then on, I was hiding my hurt, anger and pain through fake joy not real joy.