lost in the labyrinth of my mind

Chapter 4

Max banged her fist against the console of the arcade machine in frustration. She had finally passed the Maze Level and the Wilderness Road Level, battling and slaying demonic and human enemies. And Max failed all because she failed to make the correct combo to avoid the monstrous tentacles in the Sea of Monster Level.

She stretched her sore and cramped muscles, ready to start again. Her heart skipped a beat when she noticed the time on her cheap plastic watch and realized, with trepidation, it was nearing dinner time, and she needed to get back home. She did not want to face Neil's wrath for her lack of respect for their family.

Max exited the controlled temperature of the arcade and its stale scent into the crisp air. She blacked out the world, much to her ears' pain, but she needed some Kate Bush magic to make her at least fucking bearable. Max skated down the lonely roads of Hawkins, falling into the rhythm of balancing and pushing one foot forward on her skateboard. She felt every crack of the crumbling pavement and fallen leaves crunching under her weight. The wind bit at her cheeks; she could imagine them pinkening at the cold, clashing with her red hair.

She wished she could be going anywhere but home. That she could change course to head over to Lucas' house. At least she would be around a good family. She would join Erica in teasing Lucas over perfectly roasted chicken. She could hook her pinkies with Lucas, affectionately bump her shoulders into his under his parents' knowing stare. She could experience Mr. Sinclair's paternal warmth and discipline when he reprimands them for acting rudely in front of a guest. She could be in the presence of Mrs. Sinclair's graceful strength. A strength that died in her mother years ago.

Sometimes it felt like she was unworthy to receive their goodness. But she was too selfish to turn it down. Though they never gave her a reason, she always felt like an intruder. As if they were putting up with her and easily disguised it because they were a decent and respectable family. As if it was a matter of time before they wanted nothing to do with her white trash and convinced Lucas that he was better off not knowing her. It had begun to tinge every interaction with the Sinclairs, Lucas included, with awkwardness and dread.

But even that nightmare scenario was better than going back home.

Ever since Neil kicked Billy out and his escape back to California, Neil watched her, waiting for her to fuck-up so he could act accordingly. Though he had yet to lay hands on her, she knew it would take little to set him off. He and Billy, Hargroves, had short tempers; and Max was never good or willing to cool them. She was most likely to add gasoline to their burning rage. She refused to be her mother, who laid herself before their mercy and hoped for kind fists to rain upon her body. As it made a difference: a bruise was a bruise.

She never thought she would miss Billy, even if it was for a cruel and horrible reason to not be caught in Neil's sight. She knows it's terrible to hope someone was there to be terrorized instead of her. At least she knew how to protect herself when Neil was hurting Billy. She could skate away to the safety of her friends, retreating to her music, unleashing her aggression into games. Max knew how to protect herself when Billy tried to transfer his hurt onto her. A quick reminder that she wasn't afraid to fight back, to defend herself, that she was no longer the child he could control. But now, Max couldn't hide behind Billy. Even though she hates him, Max is glad he escaped this shithole.

Max arrives at her door minutes before dinner is officially started. She enters the small and run-down house. It's silent, and she can only hear the drum of the appliances running. Max hangs her coat, and the rustling of the fabric adds to the tense silence. She knows she is in trouble; for what she is unsure of. Max gives herself a few moments by entering the bathroom to freshen up. She looks at the girl in the mirror. Her reflection shows a girl trembling with fear or anger, maybe both. She bangs the mirror with her fist, lodging shards into her hand. She wants to feel something real. She shakes her head. It's like she's underwater: holding her breath in hopes of rescue. Pain flares in her head. She wishes the mirror was dirty or cracked. At least then, she wouldn't see the ghost before her. Max hears timid knocks on the door: her mom. She loves her, she hates her, she pities her.

She hears her mom's voice muffled through the door, "You almost done there, Maxine?"

"Yeah," Max lets the curt reply wither in the bathroom before stepping out with grit and determination.

Neil is at the table, his mean eyes on her. He has a knife in his hand, digging its way into the wooden table. Max looked at his scowl lines and wondered if he had ever smiled. She tried to remember her mother's second wedding, a quick trip to the Justice of Peace, where she was forced to wear a scratchy dress. Maybe he had smiled then.

Neil began with a steely voice, "Do you know what time it is?" The clock by the wall clangs 7 times in disjointed harmony.

"I'm not even late!" Max knows she shouldn't aggravate him, but she isn't going to stand for his wrongful accusation.

Neil's mustache twitched in derision. Her mom sat in silence, fidgeting with the cutlery. She gave Max a slight shake telling her with fearful eyes to stop before it got ugly.

"It's not about being late or early. It's about being here when I expect you to be."

"This is the one night I can have dinner with my family. Have you no respect for me to come home in a timely fashion?"

Respect. Max remembers how that word echoed whenever Neil punished Billy. She wonders if he hated it as much as she did. If he bucked against it. Where was Neil's respect for Max and her mom?

"How much of an idiot are you that you can't read the time telling you to be home? It's the same day every week. What will make you get it through your thick skull?"

"I'm not an idiot."

"You're being willful, then. If you won't make time to be here. You won't get to have dinner at all. You will sit there and watch us eat the dinner your mother prepared. A dinner you clearly don't care about."

"Neil, please," Susan spoke up for the first time since they sat.

"No, Susan," Neil banged his fist against the table, making Max and Susan flinch.

"You might refuse to discipline the girl, but I won't."

She watched them eat their dinner of rice, potatoes, and pork. She refused to let Neil think he won. She stared blankly (she wonders if Max has those eyes her mother finds disturbing to see), pretending her stomach wasn't broiling in hunger, as if her last meal wasn't an early morning breakfast, as if she didn't feel dizzy—the scrape of the fork against the plates built up a headache.

"So, Maxine."

"Max."

"Maxine, What did you do today that made you late?"

"I was at the library, then at the arcade."

"So you wasted your whole day."

Max shook her head, scowling.

"Don't roll your eyes at me. Who do you think you are to treat your father this way?"

"You're not my father!"

That had done it. Neil flipped his lid. Max's mom tried to hold him back and soothe his wounded ego while Max ran to her room. She put the lock on as quickly as she could. Max put a chair underneath to secure it. She went to the window to make sure that the lock was secure. If only Max had brought her skateboard to her room, at least then, Max could have escaped; but even then, Neil might just come looking for her in his pick-up truck. She heard Neil bang the door with great fury. His thunderous rage shook the whole house.

She heard the voices of her mother trying to calm Neil down, begging for forgiveness for her behaviour. His voice roars as he intimidates her mother back into compliance. She hears the sound of flesh being struck. She almost runs out, but her feet are stuck to the floor. She is filled with unending fear. What could she even do for her mother?

Max spends the whole night in a state of paranoia. Flinching at the howl of the wind, thinking it is Neil trying to come and punish her for her insolence. She doesn't regret it. Whatever mistakes her dad has made, it's an insult to him to ever think of Neil as her father. She does regret leaving her mother to tend to Neil's bruised ego, but then again, she married the man.