lost in the labyrinth of my mind

Chapter 5

Max almost missed the bus to school, searching for her skateboard. After last night, she needed the comfort of the rough wood and flaking paint on her hands. Neil was, fortunately, gone already, starting his early shift at the power plant. She saw her mother with caked-on makeup; she gave Max a shaky smile. Max avoided looking into her eyes.

"Max, what are you looking for?"

"My skateboard."

Her mom's smile strained, "We decided that for now, you don't need your skateboard."

"When can I get it back?"

"Until you've earned it."

"That's such bullshit-"

"Max-"

"I didn't even do anything wrong."

"Your father was disrespected last night. We need to spend more time together to be a better family."

"Whatever."

"You better get going. You'll be late for school," Mom's eyes glaze over like the glass eye of a porcelain doll. She stands stiffly, and her smile is fixed.

For most kids, going to school was torture. For Max, it was as well, for the most part. She hated sitting still for hours. She hated how voices droned during lectures, and she hated the bullshit cliques.

The transition into high school had been hard on Max: socially. Though most of her school years: she was a loner, having superficial attachments to other kids, she had grown used to hanging around the boys last year. Will and El had left town, and her epistolary relationship with El could be improved. An ache grew whenever she tried to be honest about her life, and she thought it was the same for El. The boys joined a nerdy club, and Lucas joined the basketball team or at least began to train for its tryouts. She would sometimes watch him train, but then the sound of the bounce would remind her of Billy taunting her, threatening to throw her basketball at her face.

Lucas's time was taken up by basketball; before school, he was there. After school, he was there. At least he spent time with her during lunch, giving Max undivided attention. But she can admit that she never meaningfully engaged with him. It was like a blocked spigot between them, something choking her words as if she told him the truth about Billy's departure and her home life so that it would become real. She catches his disappointed looks whenever she redirects the conversation. But Max is stubborn and refuses to say a word. It used to be easy; she remembers telling him about Billy and Neal on top of the rusted bus under the starry sky. She remembers how his compassion made her feel seen. The kindness is still there; it breaks her heart even more.

She's the problem; she's the one who has changed for the worse. She has become a black hole.

Max goes the whole morning in a daze. She goes to the back of the bus and watches the town go past the grimy windows, watching her peers whisper and laugh. Max smiles bitterly; at least they're happy. She wanders through her classes and sits at her unofficially designated spot at the back. Max does her best to answer whenever a teacher calls her name. She doesn't know if it's her imagination, but the halls were darker: as if smog was pumping out of the vents. She stops by her locker, her head down and shoulders hunched, getting whatever textbook she needs. Sometimes Max catches a smile from her friends, hoping her smile is genuine enough.

As lunchtime nears, her legs begin to shake with anticipated relief. She hasn't had the chance to talk with Lucas yet; even if she doesn't tell him what happened, hearing his voice would be a balm.

She turns to meet him by her locker. Lucas is casually leaning against the bright red lockers, a replica of the popular boys who flirt with girls between classes. She already knows she is going to give him shit for it. She sees him chuckle and smile; he is not alone.

There is a pretty brunette girl with unscuffed shoes and clothes straight from a magazine. The girl is everything she's not; she's everything Lucas deserves. The girl twirls her hair and moves to place her hand on his bicep. Max never considered herself a jealous person, but Lucas was hers.

Max runs past them, bumping into the girl and knocking some books out of her hands. She hears the girl yelp, and Lucas excuses himself and the sounds of his shoes striking the linoleum floor towards her.

He reached her outside the school. Max wasn't sure where she was going; she needed to be far from him. Luckily everyone was at the cafeteria for lunch, so she didn't have to deal with everyone's concern, snideness, and-or curiosity.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"She was just being nice."

"Oh, come on; she was hitting on you. And you were letting her."

"What if she was? And what if I did?"

Max was taken aback; she didn't know what she expected him to say. Maybe to deny it.

"What is wrong with you?"

Max couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice; she didn't want to. She wanted him to know how much of an asshole he was being.

His face was darkened as if clouds began to gather over them, but the sky was clear, "Maybe, I want to talk to someone who cares about me. Or to someone who's not a black hole, leeching everything good. Someone who doesn't have enough issues to fuel an after-school special for a decade."

"Fuck you!"

Lucas had never been cruel to her. He might be clumsy with words, sometimes saying the wrong thing that came across as rude, but she knew he'd never intend to make her feel bad. To dismiss her and push her down. He wasn't Billy or Neil or even her dad.

She yanks her arm away from his iron grip, disgusted and distraught at his behaviour and words. She doesn't know who he is, and she doesn't know where sweet and dorky Lucas went. She walks away from him. Max retreats to the last thing Max can depend on now that Lucas' sweet words have soured, her music cassette and the power of Kate Bush. She plays where she left off. She expected the clear and soft voice of Kate Bush as 'And Dream of Sheep' was next, but the music is anything but. The song is distorted and crackling and offkey. Max cries in frustration, tears welling up and flowing, even as she wipes violently at her cheeks, rubbing them raw. It was the last straw of a shitty day, a shitty week, and a shitty life. Why can't she have this one thing? Her dad and life in California were taken away. Her friendship with El was torn before it could blossom by death and distance. And she couldn't find comfort in Lucas or Kate Bush's voice.