The Double

𝒯𝓌𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓎-𝒮𝒾𝓍

My close friend hangaxiety visits with a vengeance at five in the morning, yanking me into total wakefulness with its grabby hands. What did I do? What did I say? At least I had the foresight to hide my phone before I opened that first tiny vodka bottle so I don't nee to worry about discovering humiliating and misspelled drunken texts.

I groan into the pillow and try to ignore the parade of images that trot through my mind. But I can't. It's not what I did while I was drinking that's affecting me; it's what led up to me opening that fridge in the first place. I can still feel Dad's phantom arms around me, but when looks at me, it's with James's huge eyes, sparkling with excitement at the prospect of writing a movie for his favorite actor. I pull the pillow over my face and nearly hyperventilate from stress and lack of oxygen.

I need to tell Duna that I can't do this anymore.

There's more than a month left on this contract but seeing it through to the end feels wrong, or at least wrong for the person I want to be. I wish it was more straightforward because I don't want to lie to people but I hate having to tell Duna I'm breaking my promise.

Then there's the money. What Duna offered is more than two year's salary and a lot to walk away from without a damn good reason. That's Eomma's ticket out of Navel Home.

Curling up on my side, I wrap my arms around the pillow. I want someone to talk to, but I can't tell Eomma and Anna made it clear from the beginning this was a bad idea. Taehyung and Duna and Ira are obviously not good candidates for a heart-to-heart.

Like always, I'm on my own.

I turn over and hit the pillow with an impotent fist. I'm always on my own. In movies and books, women seem to have "you go, girl" squad-posse of personal cheerleaders but that's now how my life turned out. Most of the time, it's not an issue but today all I want is a person, my person, who I can call and who will drop everything to be by my side. Anna and I are getting closer but we're not at that level and I don't want to be a nuisance. I see it with Duna and Taehyung and I want the same bond because if I had that person, I could ask them for advice. I could tell them that I was tired of blending in but that I don't wan to stand out the way Duna does. I'd ask them how I can be my best Suzy.

And they'd let me talk and soothe me and then probably tell me this isn't the way to do it.

What should I do, then?

I think of what Ann would say. You know what you need to do.

I need to break the contract. I need to give up that money and the freedom it represents. I roll on my back. I don't want to do that all but I can't feel like this anymore. I don't want to lie. I want be like the man I was named after, a man who had principles and stuck to them. I want to start living my own life and stop putting it on hold for others.

That's enough for me get out of bed. I drink some water, pull on a robe, and go sit outside on the balcony, the early morning cool acting as a balm for the slight nausea remaining from my hangover. I watch the sunrise with my notebook on my lap, but my contentment with watching the waves on the ocean only lasts a minute before I need to do something, anything.

I open the notebook to a fresh page and start to work. Of course, it foes well because life is like one of those stars you make by drawing a line up, down and to the sides. Love, health, wealth, family and work sit on the angles, and if one foes well, it pulls to the side and the lines contract. Love and family life great? Bet you get fired. Excellent new job? Guess who's getting dumped. Everything hovering in equilibrium? Things are boring, It's like life doesn't have enough space to expand those lines so you can experience all you want all at once.

Once I'm happy with what I have, I put the notebook away and get a mint tea. Right now, my work—Eppy—is going well and contracting everything else, so I'll focus on that. So far I have the basic idea of it set out in spreadsheet form. It's basically a day calendar but with columns for different areas of your life, so you can see at a glance all the things you have to do and when you have time to complete tasks. I tap my finger on the table, thinking hard and glancing over the notes I made after talking to Eunwoo. At least I can be grateful I have this. One thing is working.