See Dot Smile

The Break Before Christmas

It's the last day before Christmas break and everyone is dialed up to eleven. Joshua and I have graduated to giving each other foot rubs under the table. No one is interested in this, because Tom and Marcus have made hand holding a legitimate sex act over the last few weeks. When Marcus reaches up to brush an eyelash off Tom's cheek and Tom actually moans, the chorus of "get a room, you guys" is unanimous. But none of us want them to stop. It's pretty damn glorious to witness.

Kendall is happier than I've ever seen him. Whatever knocked him on his butt at the Homecoming game has run its course. He's bouncy and flirty and hugging all of us every chance he gets. Which is why Lilliana's decision to put an extra three feet between them at lunch today is so puzzling. She's still technically sitting with us but has more or less put up a sign that says, "DO NOT DISTURB."

When Bud arrives, weighed down by his eternally massive backpack, and sits down next to me, we all silently beg him to READ THE SIGN. But picking up on social cues is not one of Bud's strengths.

"Kind of cool news," he says to the table. "We had this insane sewer backup at our house yesterday, so we've had plumbers there for the last eighteen hours working."

"Awesome, man," Tom says sarcastically. "Can we hear about it when we're not eating?"

"Cool it, Tom," Kendall says. "If we can watch you eye bang your boyfriend while we eat, we can listen to Bud talk about shit pipes for a few minutes."

"Fair point," Tom concedes. "Sorry, Bud. Please tell us more about the sewage storm at your house."

"Okay," Bud says, tentatively. "I was talking to the head plumber, the one who runs the business, and he told me he started out as an apprentice right out of high school. He learned on the job for a year and a half and then he started his own company, before he was twenty. He's thirty-five now and he says he really loves the work. And the money's really good, too."

"Yeah," Joshua says, "I hear people pay good money to not have to touch their own feces."

I pinch his big toe and give him a look that says, "be nice or else." He puckers his lips at me, and my insides have a field day over it.

"Anyway," Bud says, "I'm thinking I might reach out to him about coming on as an apprentice after I graduate. I think it could be really cool, to learn a trade."

"Aw." I frown. "What about Gregory's? You're like a superhero there."

Bud smiles. "I can work there, too. No shame in having two jobs."

"What the hell would you know about it?"

Lilliana's clenched jaw and raised shoulders announce that a nerve has been triggered.

"I just meant it's okay to work a lot. If that makes you happy," Bud says, his cheeks flooding pink.

"Why would you work at all?" Lilliana says, bitterly. "Why wouldn't you take what's coming to you and sit on your fat ass for the rest of your life?"

Bud looks panicked. He starts putting his lunch away, preparing to leave the table.

"Jesus, Lilly, what the hell is wrong with you!?" Kendall snaps at her.

"Oh, come on," she scoffs. "You guys think Bud needs to work in a grocery store or start a fucking plumbing business? When his dad could write him a check and pay for four years at any college in the country? He's never had to work for anything. None of you have."

I put my arm on Bud's, insisting he stay and not let Lilliana's baseless outburst make him think he deserves the treatment he's getting. He shakes his head at me and gets up from the table. "I'm sorry," he says, under his breath. And he's gone.

"I've worked just as hard as you have," Tom fires back. "Don't act like you're not afraid I'm going to bump you from the number one spot before graduation."

"Guys, fucking cool it," Kendall says, not taking his eyes off Lilliana. "What is going on with you, seriously?"

"I know you got into MIT," Lilliana spits at Tom. "Marcus told me. And he told me you're deferring for a year. If that's true then you're a total dumbass, Tom."

"What the hell?" Tom stands up. "It's my life and I can do what I want with it. I want to wait a year, so I can help Marcus get settled. It's my choice."

"It's the wrong choice!" Lilliana yells. "You guys probably won't even be together in a year anyway."

Marcus gasps and reaches for Tom's hand.

Tom glares at Lilliana. "I don't know what crawled up your ass, Lilliana, but you can't talk to me or Marcus like that. Ever. Let's go," he says more softly to Marcus. "We don't need this."

"Guys, wait." Kendall puts his hands across the table to slow their retreat, but they're already out of reach. He turns back to Lilliana, disgusted. "What the fuck?"

Joshua's foot has been in my hands for the last several minutes and has gotten very sweaty. Or maybe that's my palms. I glance over at him. He's desperate to escape, but terrified to say anything. That's about where I am, too.

"Don't you judge me," Lilliana meets Kendall's eyes. "You're the worst one out of everybody."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" he shouts.

"What have you ever done to deserve a free ride to college? Besides shove your ass into tights for four years and not get your neck broken."

Kendall's face twists under the weight of her insult. Lilliana turns away and her lip starts to tremble. The sight of her suffering, even a little bit, softens Kendall into marshmallow fluff.

"Lilly," he says. "What's going on?"

She brings her hands to her face to hide what it's doing, but she can't muffle the sob. "I didn't get in," she cries.

Kendall's face falls and you can almost hear his heart breaking for her. "To Stanford?" he asks. She sobs harder in response. "Aw shit, Lilly, I'm sorry." He slides down the bench and puts his arm around her. She shoulders him away, but he's not giving up. "Let me hug you, Lilly, or I swear to God, I'll come to your house and take back every sweatshirt I ever let you borrow."

She throws her arms around his neck and buries her face in his chest. He scoops her up and holds her in his lap as she cries into him. "Assholes," he says sweetly against her hair. "They don't deserve you."

Joshua presses his thumb into the bottom of my foot. He signals that we should go, and I nod in agreement. We gather our things as quietly as possible, listening to Lilliana's sobs slow down to hiccups as Kendall presses his lips to her temple and squeezes her against his chest.

* * * * *

Joshua walks me to my locker before heading to his next class. "Will I see you at church on Christmas Eve?" he asks.

"I'll be there," I say.

"Good," he says. He lets the tips of his fingers mingle with mine and leans in close enough to kiss me. At the last second his lips find my nose and then my cheek. "That gives me something to look forward to."

He smiles at me like he's a secret agent sent to seduce me into giving him secrets. And it's working. I want to give him all my secrets.

Every. Last. One. 

* * * * *