Life ain't even grey

Chapter 2: Empty

He's going to the studios.

He's tired.  This is much harder than what he thought.

He can suddenly, completely understand its appeal: he loses part of himself as the lack of sleep and food moves languidly through his bloodstream. He loses the part he hates, the awkwardness, the sadness, the hatred. He loses his memory and when he stumbles into her he can’t remember why they haven't truly spoken in almost a year.

Two night ago their conversation ended terribly bad. He had cried himself to sleep.

And he didn't know that but she had cried too.

“Finn,” she says in surprise, mostly because she can see the unfamiliar glaze in his eyes, the slight, soft curve to his lips.

She thinks he's beautiful and another crazy though comes to her mind. Kissing him. So hard that her lips hurt. She wanted him to be consumed by him. It had been too long. She needed life again. She felt so empty. So lonely. Need to feel his warm.

His face is relaxed, his demeanor loose. He smiles at her, because the words she once told him so many times.  You have such a lovely smile. You should smile more often.

“Hello, Millie,” he says and she almost smiles back before she catches herself.

He looks at her but quickly moves his eyes from her. She's gorgeous and if he stares at her for one more second maybe he would kiss her. Or fall to his knees asking her to marry him instead. Definitely the lack of sleep and food was playing with him,he convinced himself. But oh, she was like a fairy, enchanted him.

"How are you?” she says with a disapproving sniff, but she can’t turn away. Something about his face, about the way he is looking at her, mesmerizes her. She stares at him. My God, why does he have to look so handsome. She couldn't stop looking at him. She loves him, she knows. She can't help it.

“Not as good as you, right, I guess.” His voice betrays the sarcastic words and he regrets them right away.

She looks taken back but doesn't go away. Her face changes. She looks up at him, her eyes glassy.

He notices something is wrong. She lost more weight and her eyes are sad. He worries even more. And despite all, she's still stunning. Not fair. He had tried to bring up that subject too the other day and she didn't want to hear him. He could not bear to see her  like that.

“I think—” she begins. Then, flat: “you look... Tired".

He bows a little.

“I am.”

She bristles, despite herself.

“You said—”

“Forget whatever I said. Who cares? I get it now. I get it.” He shrugs and smiles, even wider and she’s suddenly reminded of that day during Season 1 filming when he first kissed her, how sweet it was, how right, how she felt she’d never have someone love her that much again.

“Finn,” she says, stepping closer. “Be careful, okay? Don’t—”

“I’ve missed you,” he cuts in. He moves closer, too, and he’s no longer smiling. He grabs one of her hands in his own, squeezes it so hard it almost hurts. “Do you know that? Do you know how much I’ve missed you? Do you truly want to leave me behind? Close the door... For us? Don't you miss me too? You’re…you’re breaking my heart, you know?”

He wants to tell her how fucking sorry he is, too, but he knows she knows, and he’d rather she hear this, instead, because he’s never said it.

“Oh,” she says, concentrating on her throbbing fingers. He’s holding them so tight she can feel her knuckles pressing together. Jake has never looked at her this way, or held her that way, or...

"I can't see you with him. I know you're not happy. And you're incredible and I want you to be safe. They've got you trapped, Millie. And I can't watch you seeing you like this, the fire I love about you, one day is going to burn out." His voice trembled and he felt the courage leaving him.

"I am fine. I am marrying the guy I love. And he loves me too. Unlike you." She said. She had practice that tons of times anyway.

He felt a punch in his stomach. She was sharp as a knife when she wanted. And all the Heavens helped him, but he loved her so much.

"You're lying." He answered, his voice low. "And don't ever say again I don't love you. You know, you know I do. You know it in your heart, if they have not brainwashed you."

She did not answer. Her heart is full of him.

"If you truly loved me... I asked for that chance before. You said no. I've loved you, like no one else." She threw back. She was not going to let her blame her for everything.

He looked offended. "I did not! I don't wanna lose you. I wanted us to be careful. I wanted to protect what we have..." He stumbled on words, "had", he corrected himself. She's engaged for God's shake. And he's talking in present tense as if they were in a relationship.

Millie shakes her head, her glorious hair, as if coming out of a deep sleep. She pulls her hand free. He looks so sad when she pulls away.

"I love you, why you don't believe me?" He said in a whisper.

She can't do this. It's too painful. Her head hurts. She has loved him most of her life. She knows she would never be truly over him. He's near her and he's all that matters.

"Go" She says, her energy in keeping herself firm.

"You don't mean that. Doesn't what I say mean anything to you?" He said, his voice gentle.

He looks at her, his eyes sparkling, looking disarmed, and she returns the look, not saying a word.

He closes his eyes and turns around, defeated.

He somehow knows Millie watches him all the way out the door.

Millie does watch him, watches even when some crew member calls her, but Millie barely hears him.

She watches Finn bob and weave his way across the undulating throng of crew members, watches him down another glass of juice, watches him leave.

She feels the sting of tears again. She wants to fall in his arms. Protected. Safe. Happy. If only he wanted her... If only her family didn't hurt him... If only...

And when she blinks back tears, that’s when she realizes she’s missed him, too, so much that her heart has been quietly breaking all this time.