TO THE MOON AND BACK

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To my dear wife

I fell in love with you from the first time our eyes meet.

It was love at first sight.

It may sound strange that now I cannot remember where was the first place we met anymore.

But I do remember I dreamt about you that day.

I love how my brain thinks that way because it made me meet you.

And in that dream my eyes always follow you.

I look at your long shiny blond hair and your slender blue eyes. – I remembered your plump red lips smiling at me – the light and heat from all around us like a spotlight that shine on you and become even more dazzling in my eyes.

Your entire existence made me feel like a part of me has already known you before – Like I had met my old comrade once again after years of being apart.

Friends who are trusted, faithful and intimate to the point that almost become lovers. --

You are not like that dream woman that has been on my mind for a long time.

As time passes, I realise I don't like the real you in the real world we met.

I don't like that you always laugh at the end of every sentence I speak.

And I don't like it when your voice overwrite my own.

I feel like we are hiding a secret behind the smiles we always forge on our faces.

I have my own secret,

And you have your own.

And that makes me feel like I'm constantly meeting a stranger.

You are not that beautiful dream girl or a friend who I have met again after a long separation.

After all the events that happened, you may say to me, the things that happened between us were a mistake. And that I am the person who made everything turn out this way.

But that wasn't true at all.

You may have forgotten that I am at fault in this aspect – If I'm the one who made the mistake happen – You are also at fault. And you have to admit you make the same mistake as me too.

You may feel that my feelings are unreasonable.

But I think you too know better that the matter between us doesn't make any sense at all.

That's the truth of our lives.

You and me --

I love you. I already told you in the first sentence.

And I don't love you anymore.

You make me want to stab you with a knife.

You make me want to strangle you with my hands.

You make me want to kill you.

That would be the last sentence that I would like to end at the end of this letter.

That's probably all I want to tell you.

With love,

A husband who loved you

To my beloved husband

I love you.

That was the first thing I told myself when I first met you that night.

I'm not sure whether that was the first day we met or not but it is one of our days that I remembered.

Maybe because you made me dream about you.

I remembered in that dream, our eyes meet and I look deep inside your eyes – those clear lovely blue eyes.

In my dream you smiled for me as if we were comrades who haven't seen each other for so long – the light and heat around us made your black hair shine even more --

You look handsomely beautiful and warm that I don't want to open my eyes and wake up.

Since the day we met in that dream, it made me remember you as a creature as beautiful as Summer.

The blazing summer, brightest, warmest and most cheerful than any other season.

You in my dream is the only thing that is as close to the peace of my mind I have ever had in my entire life -- In that dream, I felt safe. When I'm with you it's like coming back to meet a friend whom I trust, depend on, and is intimate as if becoming a lover. --

But you in my real life is so far away from the Summer in my dream.

I have never thought you would be as cold as Winter, so cold and so distant.

You are not like that man in my dream who is on my mind.

I don't like your real being when we met.

I don't like how you watch my every step and I don't like when our voices overlap in conversation.

I know you have secrets you hide from me.

You tried to hide your secret behind a wall that drew a line between you and me.

You made me feel like a stranger.

You are not making me feel warm or safe at all.

On the first night we met, you told me you feel like we have already known each other – and that night you even said that you want to know me better.

That might be the reason why we meet even though we both being so careful about each other.

But even so, we have loved each other, learned from each other and faced many obstacles together.

We have both learned to love each other more deeply, but we never learned to forgive each other even more.

You --

I used to love you.

That would probably be the end of this letter.

That's all I want to tell you.

With love,

A wife who loved you