Takes One To Know One

Chapter 5

Luke let go of me and we picked food from the small lunch choices the hospital had. I took a peanut butter sandwich and followed him to an empty table toward the back of the cafeteria. We walked past Bella, Grace, and Crystal. They told me to come over but Luke explained he’s bringing me to a separate table.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

“Don’t worry about it,” Grace replied. She had a smirk on her face, probably thinking he was just bringing me over to flirt with me more. Maybe he was. I hoped not. I didn’t want a guy who’d just call me hot and right now I really wasn’t in the mood for it.

My breathing began to calm down as we sat at the circular table. I somehow felt safe with Luke, even though I’ve only known him for a day. He seemed nice and generous, which I’m hoping isn’t just a fluke. I’ve been used by too many boys to get my hopes up anymore.

He sat across from me with a pensive look on his face. I couldn’t help but admire his face when he was thinking; it was pretty darn cute. His eyebrows scrunched up leaving a crease on his forehead and he slightly pushed his lips together.

He looked back at me and grinned, “Staring at me, are you?” I let out a light laugh.

“Maybe,” I replied honestly.

“You seem better already,” he said. I did, didn’t I? He distracted me from my thoughts, which seemed to help. Maybe this is what they mean when they talk about how distractions help in therapy groups…

“I guess,” I say with a shrug. The thoughts came rushing back to me.

“Listen to me,” he says as he waits for me to look at him. “I know what you’ve gone through and I’ve been through it also. You probably know from the morning check ups that my issues are cutting and purging. At least be happy you only got into cutting, I was stupid and got into both cutting and purging and it’s driving me absolutely insane.” He pauses for a moment, looks at me and gives me that signature half smile that most boys do.

“T-the… first time I cut myself was the w-worst day of my life,” he struggled to get out the words. “I don’t want to go into the glory details of it frankly because the only person I told was my therapist and it’s hard to say. But what I can tell you is that I’m ashamed that I did it. Look where cutting and purging got me, here, in a damn mental hospital.”

I laughed, “You call it that, too?”

“Well that’s what it is, right?” He laughed also.

“My mom yells at me whenever I call it that,” I say to him.

“But I mean look where the mental hospital got us, it brought us together, right?” I blushed and I could swear it was probably noticeable. I could feel the redness on my cheeks.

“You’re right,” I replied stupidly. Is that really all I could say? “Sorry, I cut you off. Continue what you were saying.”

“Oh, right. I almost forgot. Anyways, the first time I cut was the deepest. I almost hit my vain and at that moment, I was mad that I didn’t. I had to go to the hospital and get stitches. My parents were a mess that day. There wasn’t a moment my mom wasn’t crying. I’m an only child so my parents have high expectations of me, but I obviously am far below those expectations.

“Sometimes I get those thoughts like how you are. The thoughts that say ‘you’re a screw-up because you cut’ or ‘hey, you ruined your whole family because you tried to make yourself happy by cutting’. But you just need to tell your thoughts to shut the fuck up and you’re good,” he said with a funny tone at the end that I couldn’t help but laugh. He was absolutely amazing at helping people, especially me. I suddenly felt grateful for being here, not sad. Like how he said, the mental hospital brought Luke and I together, what’s there to be mad about?

“Thank you,” I say to him. “I really appreciate it.” He got up from his seat across the table and sat down in the chair next to me.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said as he reached for my hand on my lap. He held my cold hand in his and I looked at him strangely.

“What’s that for?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he paused. “I’m the guy, aren’t I supposed to do stuff like this?” I laughed and he smiled at me, showing his crooked teeth that I thought were perfect.

“Why did you say you’re ugly?” I asked him bluntly. He looked at me with a questioning face.

“When?” He asked.

“Yesterday during our first group. We had to call out things we thought about ourselves and you said you were ugly,” I replied. He squeezed my hand a little tighter.

“To myself, I am a monster, to others, I am a king,” he said, sounding more and more like a poet. I repeated the words in my head, ‘to myself, I am a monster, to others, I am a king’. Is that really how he feels? He’s his own monster? I guess the statement is true because to me, he definitely is a king. And hopefully one day I’ll be the queen. One day.

He noticed my quietness and spoke again, “When I was young, the monsters were underneath my bed. And every night I would check and make sure they were gone before I went to sleep. The reason they weren’t there was because they transported inside of me. They live within me now. I am my own monster, my own enemy.” His hand that held mine began to shake and I saw anger form in his eyes. I placed my hand on his shoulder lightly.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Calm down,” I tried to reassure him. It seemed as though he calmed within my touch.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized.

I looked at him a way that I didn’t see anyone else before. I felt as though I truly cared for him. I understood every single thing he was saying. That’s how I’ve felt my whole entire life. I leaned in closer to him that our noses were almost touching.

“You’re my king,” I said to him honestly. “And I couldn’t imagine anyone else to take your place.”

“Then you’re my queen,” he said, his large smile taking up most of his face.

“I guess I am,” I replied. I’d never admit I was anything remotely close to a queen, but in this moment, with him, I felt much more close to it than I ever have in my whole life.

But then I stopped smiling and leaned away from him. What am I doing?

“I’ve only known you for a day,” I said to him. I saw his smile slowly fade.

“So?” He asked. “It’s obvious we have more in common than you probably do with anyone else.” I sigh, I mean, he was true. And I’ve never connected with anyone this quickly before. I just didn’t know what to do or believe.

“I just need some time to think. I always end up getting hurt really badly in relationships or I ruin them. I don’t want to do that to you,” I say.

“If there’s one thing I can promise you, it’s that I’ll never hurt you. But don’t worry, I’ll give you time. Just think about it, okay?”

“Okay.”