all about a boy

chapter 12 - the end

TW: death

15 September 2011

Chuuya was gone, and since he had left dazai couldn't feel anything and he didn't eat, he just went to school, back home, studied and slept, like a robot. He was getting skinnier than before and his mother had to buy vitamins to keep him alive and not collapse.

"Dazai honey please eat something" dazai pushed his dish and looked at her with blank eyes "i can't" "im going to take you to a doctor if you don't" "take me, staying in a hospital is better than going to school anyways" his mother couldn't take it anymore "dazai! You haven't eaten in 5 days! Why!" she started tearing up and covered her mouth.

"He left" "what?" "He's gone" his mother was left standing and hugged him "sweetheart, its for the better, he couldn't stay here forever" dazai didn't say anything but he didn't cry either, he just stared at his plate in the thought of chuuya.

Chuuya was suffering back home. His mom was wasted everyday and either didnt talk to him or drunk vented for hours about how sorry she was and how she loved him so much.

"Get off me!" she was holding him tight as she was on her knees and tried to hug him "I'm sorry chuuya I'm so sorry I'm such a bad mother I'm sorry my love I love you so much my sweet little boy" "Get. Off. Me!" he said and threw him over but then regretted it instantly and she hit her back on the couch and started tearing up.

He reached to touch her and carried her to his arms. He took her to bed and caressed her face and hair "chuuya, sweetheart, I love you" she said softly with a sweet smile "go to sleep" he said and tucked her to bed.

He was thinking about dazai all day. He couldn't breath without him, he couldnt  smile without him he couldn't live without him. At school his ex girlfriend was talking shit about him at all the girls at school, that he is gay, that he's bad at sex, that he is toxic and rude.

Nobody wanted to hang out with him anymore, he was alone all day or got into fights, he had wounds all over his body and face from the punches he had gotten or when they stabbed him with a knife.

"Hey kouyou" "im your mother you know, call me by what I am" he sighed "hey mother" "yes son?" she said with a sarcastic smile "can we go see dazai soon? In one month there is this play that he-" "do you have gas money?" "What?" "Gas money, if you have we can go" he chuckled "okay, how much?" "Just go find a job and I will tell you".

16 October 2011

"Here, gas money" she smirked and put the cash in her bra "good, now find a transport" "Excuse me?" "Find a way to go there" "you are supposed to drive me there" "too bad, I need the money chuuya, please understand" that was it. All this time he was patient, he thought she had changed, that she was trying to be a good mother, but she was still the same shit she always was.

"No! No I won't fucking understand. I need to go see him, these money were all i had saved to go fucking see him. I want to see him and I won't let you stop it." "Chuuya, you're still young, you know nothing about love" "what do you mean nothing?! I love him. I slept with him I took care of him he makes me feel alive something that you never did! All you did was get men to rape me so you could get money! But he cared. He fucking cared!" she didn't say anything, she just took a sip from her vodka and let chuuya go.

"I have to catch the fucking bus." he said and snatched his bag from the couch and left running. "Fuck fuck fuck" before he could get in the bus it left, he wasn't able to stop it. "God damn it!" he had to wait 30 more minutes till the next one came and it took 2 more hours than it would with the car full speed.

Dazai ran to the theater with his weak legs and caught his breath for a second before going on stage. He was trying to find chuuya but he couldn't. He felt his stomach tightening and wrapping itself, he wanted to throw up. Where was he?

After the play was finished he didn't went to his mom that was waiting for him, he ran to the beach. The weather was horrible, raining, thunder and big waves. He sat in the cold sand with his knees wrapped by his hands "why didn't he show up?" he asked himself. Does chuuya hate him? Why? What happened? Is he in danger?

He walked towards the sea and the water hit his legs, making his wounds burn from the salt. He walked deeper and deeper and a wave took his body and moved it around as it wanted to. Dazai was drowing, the pressure was too much for his skeleton body, it hurt him. The salted water reached his lungs and he couldn't breath. His heart was aching and his last thought was that chuuya hates him.

Chuuya ran to the theater but he found no one there, only the actors "hey you nikolai" "oh chuuya what a great-!" "Where is dazai" "I think he went to the beach" "with that weather? Fuck!" he didn't say goodbye and just tried to get there as quickly as possible "fucking God dazai damn it don't put yourself in so much danger!" when he arrived the only thing he found was dazai's journal covered in sand and water.

"Dazai! Dazai! Fucking waste of bandages where are you?!" he kept yelling and yelling till his throat was sore and he couldn't even talk anymore. He started tearing up and tried to swim but the waves kept pushing him back "osamu!" he then saw a body floating in the water close to a big rock.

He ran there as fast as he could and reached for the corpse. Dazai. He tried bringing him back to life, get all the water out of his lungs but he couldn't. Dazai was dead, it was over, the bruenet was dead. "No fuck! Don't die on me you fucker please! Please don't die dazai please I'm begging" he was crying and still trying to bring him back to life.

He hugged the corpse and carried the dead body back to the theater to get an ambulance and before he left he grabbed the journal too. "Nikolai! An ambulance! Now!".

The doctors tried but he had no pulse. The bandaged boy had died from drowning and chuuya was blaming himself. If he wasn't late he could have stopped him from going to the beach, he could have hold him, stop him. Dazai's mother reached to him and hugged him "what happened chuuya?" she looked at dazai, his skin was pale like a ghost "I found him there, floating." he couldn't even say more, he grabbed a ciggarete and left.

He was shaking, he couldn't even light the ciggarete. He sat on the floor and cried "fuck! Why! Why!" he was screaming. He opened the journal that he had found at the beach. Inside it there were his thoughts about his dad, his mother, himself, Nikolai, self harm, music, books and him. There were so many chapters full of how much dazai loved him and how he made him feel alive. He hugged it and held it tight in his arms "why dazai..".

1 June 2012

- hey asshole, how are you?
- ....
- I guess I won't take an answer from a dead body will I?

he sat by his grave and tried to smile softly.

- I miss you
- ....
- I read it all, the journal, I love you too you know dumb shit

a bitter tear ran down his cheeks and he whiped it away quickly. He took out a ciggarete and light it.

- want one?

he said and he left a ciggarete next to the grave, got up and didn't look back.