A Medical Student's Diary

Depression

Tuesday, June 2023

How does it feel to be depressed? I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone, or if it's different. After all, I can only tell my own story. And such, here is something I wrote in the middle of a breakdown.

***
A monster is chasing me. A monster borne of myself, made of my shadow.
My chest feels tight. My hands are trembling. My breath hitched, as if my lungs decided that air is something I dont deserve. I can't run. I don't run. It's useless.
My head is spinning. It's like the world is closing on me. Irritation and feeling of doom surrounds me. Everything feels unpleasant.

My tears are hot against my cheek. That's the only thing that feels real. I dont want to do anything. Everything that came out from my mind is treacherously negative. Would my friends still hang out with me if they know? Would my family love me if I dont take my medicine? I know they would. I trust them. Yet deep down I can't help but doubt. What is worth in myself to be loved?
I want to sink away into the darkness. It's what I deserve. I want to sleep and never wake up.

***

To put it simply, it feels horrible. Yet, I lived with it for so long, it became normal for me. I had suspicion that I've been depressed since my first year or highschool. I went to a quite prestigious highschool, where the academic pressure shot up. A school filled with gifted children, the top of their middle schools.

It was like the ground i stand on suddenly sank, and I was left looking up to peers I couldn't reach. I'm not used to being the dumber one. It doesn't felt right. Alas... It's the reality.

For me, my criteria to be loved is to be useful. And how else can I be useful, if not for my good grades?
So when my grades inevitably drops, so does my confidence and self love. From there, I began to hate myself.

I hated everything about myself. From my looks to my body. My grades to my voice. I always seem to find new things to hate about myself. I dont wish to be someone else, but I also dont want to be myself. I dont quite want to die, but I sure don't wish to live.

It was to the point that I stopped praying because I thought that I'll be going to hell no matter what.

***

What was bad in highschool of course became worse in college. Especially in medical school, where students are treated like trash.
Uncaring professors, high degree of seniority, messed up schedules, heavy load of study materials, and relentless assignments.

It's the sad truth of medical field. We shorted our lifespans to prolong other's. We ignored our mental and physical health for meagre pay and thankless patients. I am honestly not sure why I'm still hanging on.
I guess I still have some fight left in me.
So, I survived with sheer spite, rage and hate. It was not healthy, but it got me going.

Sadly, such way is bound to have repercussions.
I feel like I was going insane. Something was wrong, I feel it. I blamed everything on myself. My self loathing reaches its peak. I hate myself so much that I feel pity for my parents for having a child like me. In my breakdowns, I cried alone and apologized over and over. Sorry mom, sorry dad, I'm a disappointment.

Deep down I know that I'm loved.
Yet my brain refuses to believe that something like me can be loved. What is there of me to be loved? I hate everything about myself, I don't see anything lovable about this trash called myself.

For so long, for years, I lived with such a thought. I live just for the sake of not making my loved ones sad. I'm sure they will be sad if I disappear. My life is not mine.
What kept me going was sheer sense of responsibility, that kept me chained to reality. That I have my little brother to take care of in the future. That I can't die before him.

One day, I slipped up to my parents that I sometimes feel like I want to try cutting myself. I'm even laughing when I said that.

When I see my parents' face, I realized that I probably shouldn't have laughed.

***

And so, I came to be medicated. I started seeing psychiatrist regularly since Nov 2022.
My world changed. Sure, it comes with some headaches at the beginning, but once I got used to actually having serotonin, it's like I'm a whole new person.

I have realized just how bad my depression has been. And i wonder just how did I survive with it.

When my dad and my friends told me how I looked more cheerful, I feel so happy.
Sure, sometimes I still spiral down to depressive episodes, but it's getting farther and farther in between. It takes conscious effort of mindset changes from me too. I now stopped hiding my breakdowns. I try to word my feelings and actively seek help, instead of drowning in self pity.

I'd like to thank everyone who had come with me so far. I won't be able to make it without any of you. And if, you ever felt something like I did, please, please seek help. You deserve it. You deserve happiness. Please don't ever forget. You're loved.
***