this is how it starts || m.h

24) what a shame

"I can't do this anymore."

Silence rang through Matty's bedroom as I said that, and his hands froze on his luggage, the t-shirt he was holding now messily hanging out of the side of his bag.

He turned to look at me then as I stood in his doorway. "What?"

"This...thing...between us. I can't do it anymore."

I knew that I had to say this, because it was the truth. But that didn't mean that I wanted to say it, because I knew exactly where it would lead. It would lead to the termination of our relationship.

"I don't understand," he said, stepping towards me slightly. "I thought we were alright."

"I'm confused, Matty!"

"What's confusing?"

"You!" I shouted. "You're constantly blowing hot and cold! One minute you're holding my hand and looking at me like we're more than just friends, and then the next you're giving me the cold shoulder, like you couldn't give a shit about me! I can't do it anymore!"

"Well I don't know what you want me to do, because you knew the terms of this relationship from the beginning. I don't want to be your boyfriend."

"And I'm not asking you to be. I just─I want more than whatever the fuck this is."

His face was blank, his voice void of any emotion as he said, "Well I don't know what to tell you, love."

Love. The word suddenly felt like a kick to the chest coming off his lips. And it was all I needed to turn around and walk straight out of his house, a newfound ache in my chest to accompany the tears in my eyes. This was it. The end of us.

───

When I finally arrived back at my flat, I was grateful to find it was empty. I really didn't want Addie to see me like this.

I dumped my bags in my bedroom, and then I stood there a moment, staring at my bed─my lonely little bed.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let myself believe that we could ever work, when our demise was inevitable from the start?

───

The following night, I found Matty on my doorstep, his hair damp from the rain and his eyes filled with what I can only identify as sorrow.

"What're you doing here, Matty?" I asked him, stepping aside so that he could come in.

"I wanted to apologise. For being a dickhead," he said, as he followed me over to the sofa, sitting down in the space next to me.

"I don't want to lose you, Serena," he spoke after a moment, a sliver of hurt in his voice.

"I love you, Matty." I choked out, unable to make myself look at him as I sat there.

"Okay."

"That's why this won't work," I told him, my heart clenching in my chest. "I can't be in a one-sided relationship. It'll hurt too much."

"How can you love me?" He asked. "You've known me for a month. How can you love someone after a month?"

"I don't know. But I do."

"But...me, though." He carried on, his tone skeptical. "How can you love me of all people?"

"Matty, it's not hard to love you."

He scoffed. "I think some people would disagree."

"Why did you ask me to come on tour with you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Yes, you do, so tell me."

He sat there in silence for a moment, before finally offering me a response. "Because ever since that first morning after we slept together, I haven't been able to get you out of my head. I can't stop thinking about you, and it's fucking painful trying to keep away from you."

"Do you love me?"

"What?"

"It's a simple question, Matty."

He paused for a moment then, seemingly mulling over my question. And then, "No, no I don't love you."

"I wasn't just sex to you, was I?"

"No, of course not. You were so much more, Serena─you are so much more. Fuck me, I care about you─a lot. I just─I don't know what to do."

"You know what I think you should do?" I said, tears threatening to spill from my eyes as I finally looked at him. "I think you should walk out of that door, and never come here again."

"What?"

"Neither of us are equipped to be in this relationship, and I'm worried that if we stay together, then we'll just keep hurting each other. And that isn't good for either of us."

There were tears in his eyes now─his beautiful brown eyes that I loved so much, that I would likely never see again.

"I'll walk out of that door." He agreed, his voice trembling. "But when I've sorted myself out, I'll come and find you."

"Matty─"

"I mean it," he argued. "I'll come back for you."

I paused to look at him for a moment, pain threatening to collapse my chest.

"Of all the people I could've fallen in love with, and I fell in love with you," I said softly, resting my head on his shoulder. "What a shame."

"Yeah, what a shame."

───

A/N:
I made a huge mistake writing this chapter whilst listening to 102.