Oneshots on AsfiYa

Jawaab

WARNING : INCLUDES MATURE CONTENT

This OS is in continuation to Episode 24 of Yakeen ka safar. It starts off when Zubia has reached her hostel room, after seeing Asfandyar and Fariyal together at the Khan residence.

Zubia had just reached her hostel room and had almost fallen onto the bed after pulling the sea-green dupatta off her head and chucking it in one corner of the room. In anger? In frustration? Even she didn't know what to call it.

She was breathing heavy because she had walked, no, almost sprinted her way back to her hostel room, all the way from the Khan residence, which was about two kilometres away.

As she lay on the bed, with her heart beating as fast as ever, she had no choice but to sit with her feelings. This was something she had been avoiding for months now, but today, things had gotten out of hand for her. The feelings that she had been suppressing, avoiding, denying and desperately trying to get rid of for the past couple of months, had over-powered the facade of indifference that she had been trying to put up, and made their presence felt, without her consent.

She had finally come to terms with the fact that she was angry. That felt like a weird, unknown territory for her because she didn't allow herself to feel angry very often. Zubia believed that she, a girl who had made so many unforgivable mistakes in her life, had no right to feel angry at anyone else.

The last time she had felt angry was nine months ago, when Sheema bhabhi's cousin had falsely accused her of seducing him, and Rehaan bhai had believed him and called her 'beghairat' yet again, and eventually had kicked her out of the house in the middle of the night, without even hearing her out. The anger that she had felt that day was involuntary too, much like the anger that she had felt today.

"What about the situation today, made me so angry?" Zubia asked herself.

The sight of a smiling Asfandyar walking into the porch of his house with Fariyal by his side flashed before her eyes and a wave of rage hit her again as a lone tear escaped her right eye. This was exactly the same rage that she had experienced, when she had witnessed this same sight, in real time.

When she looked back at the way events had unfolded at the Khan residence a couple of hours back, she realised that Asfandyar had immediately taken note of the displeasure on her face and the unusual coldness in her voice. He had followed her to gate and asked her why she was leaving so early. He had also asked her if she was angry at him.

"Was my anger so obvious? So clearly visible on my face?", She thought to herself. She then remembered her adamant responses to his questions, and the confusion on his face.

"Main aapse kyun naaraaz hongi?" Her response to his question played out in her head.

"Naaraaz toh main hoon aapse.. Par iss kyun ka jawaab to mere paas bhi nahi hai, Dr. Asfandyar..

Since my very first day at the hospital, your validation and appreciation has mattered to me, more than anyone else's. Initially, your anger made me doubt my capabilities as a doctor and that didn't feel good, because becoming a skilled, well-equipped doctor has been my only aim in life for so many years now, because it seems like the only thing which can help me compensate for all the sins I've committed in my life so far. You have always been an inspiration to me on the professional front. But this.. this is your personal life... Ideally, I shouldn't have anything to do with it... Why does seeing Fariyal with you bother me to no end? Why does your care for me, make me happy?, Why does your indifference towards me, make me question my whole existence, all over again? " 

Zubia thought to herself. All of these thoughts, these unanswered questions were becoming too overwhelming for her to process.

The answer to these questions was right in-front of her, but somehow, she couldn't reach it. Maybe because she didn't want to? Every time she moved closer to the answer, it seemed to move further away from her, almost like the answer that she was seeking was.. something forbidden?