my saving grace ~ terukane

is she a lost embrace?

4. Aoi

~

I’m in love with Aoi.

That’s what Akane tells himself, lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He conjures up the image of the girl in his mind - a smiling girl, with dainty hands and a polite personality.

I’m in love with Aoi.

That’s what Akane tells himself, knowing full well he’s lying.

Maybe at one point, he loved her. Maybe at one point, Akane could say that he loved her genuinely. But that is not this point, where he currently is and is stuck in.

He hasn’t been in love with her for a while. Sure, Akane still cares for Aoi, but she’s always kept herself at a arm’s distance. She smiles with no real emotion, no genuine empathy for anyone who gravitates to her.

Akane rolls over onto his side, horrified with himself. She cannot be herself because of Akane. He disregarded her comfort zone, constantly breaking and bending in ways that should not be possible to try and appease her. He had never once stopped to think that maybe, she would want a friend instead.

One that would support her instead of idolizing her.

Akane scowls at himself, getting up angrily and opening his window.

Mistake - clearly, considering his house is parallel to Aoi's, and the girl herself is awake. The slam of his window was enough to attract her attention, and he cringes as she blinks in surprise. She slowly retreats back into her room, and a few seconds later his phone begins to buzz.

Oh boy.

Akane crosses his bedroom, picking up his cellphone and answering the call reluctantly. "Hello?"

"So you are awake. Is something wrong, Akane?"

Everything is wrong. His glasses are broken, so the mysteries and mokke have begun harassing him, he's had a total of five crisises over realizing he's not in love with his childhood best friend anymore, and he can't focus enough to study.

Akane pauses, opening his mouth, closing it, and then sighing. "I... I'm sorry, Ao-chan."

There's a notable feeling of shock radiating through the call. "What?"

"I didn't want to do this at-" Akane checks the clock. "1AM, but I really need to get it out."

"...what are you sorry for?"

Akane's sitting alone in the darkness of his room, and all he can think is, at the very least, I don't have to look at her.

"Everything? God, I'm a horrible friend."

"What??" It comes out more bewildered than the last one, and Akane lets out a wet chuckle.

"How often did I make you uncomfortable? Shove my love onto you? I was so entitled- I hate myself so much right now."

Aoi's silent for a moment, and Akane wallows in his guilt.

"Stop that."

Akane's eyes flick to the profile picture of Aoi displaying on his screen, his want for elaboration clear.

"It's... I think it's both of our faults." Aoi's voice has become softer, not in the way it is during the day, but in a small, vulnerable way. "If I had told you to stop, then you would have. If I didn't make up that stupid point system and just rejected you, we wouldn't..."

Silence.

"I'm sorry for leading you on."

Akane sighs, feeling a bit of the bramble around his heart fall away. The deep vines, of jealousy and sadness- they had fallen away, leaving nothing but hurt.

"I forgive you."

"And I forgive you, too."

Akane hesitates, glancing out his window at the soft light emanating from Aoi's room. "Can I ask why?"

"Why what?"

"Why you never rejected me outright."

Aoi's contemplative hum comes through the call, and Akane can almost envision her look of pondering. "I think... your constant validation, it made me happy. I suppose I was scared that would go away if I rejected you- because I didn't want to lose you. You've been a constant in my life for years, I didn't want that to go away."

They had been friends since children, almost directly next to each other in class, always eating lunch together, so it made sense.

"In a way, I was jealous of you, Akane."

That's new.

"Jealous?"

"Of everyone who interacted with you. At the time, I knew that you loved me, and I loved you inflating my ego. But there were so many instances where I could feel my heart pound in hatred- like when you and Yamabuki dated, or whenever you have to go due to student council duties." Aoi confesses it in a low mumble, voice bitter at the words.

Akane closes his eyes, before turning his eyes back to his phone.

"I think... if you had rejected me outright, it would have hurt. But at the same time, I don't think I would have stopped being your friend over it. A part of me already knew you didn't like me that way, so having it confirmed would have just made me give up." Akane can hear Aoi's breath hitch on the other side of the phone. "Aoi, crush or not, I think that you're a good person."

"Akane..." The reply is strangled, Aoi's voice heavy with tears.

"Can we start over?" Akane asks hopefully. "I would get it if you didn't want to talk to me anymore, but I want a chance to try again, without the... unhealthiness?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I- I would like that." There's a sniffle, and Aoi huffs. "I won't be able to act as 'normal' as I want, but I'll try."

~

"Akane-kun~"

That whole conversation last night felt like a fever dream, but Akane's sticking by it. Lemon watches Akane intently as he lifts his head to look at Aoi. "Did you need something, Ao-chan?"

"I was wondering if you would like to go to the movies with me~?"

Akane glances over at Lemon, who seems to be surprised- and a bit disappointed. They had already planned to hang out at the local arcade, and if this were a couple of weeks ago? Akane would have canceled in a heartbeat to hang out with Aoi instead.

Akane turns to Aoi with a soft, apologetic smile. "Maybe some other time? I'm already going to spend time with Lemon... maybe ask Yashiro-san?"

He dutifully pretends not to hear the gasps of shock, or the clatter as Lemon drops his phone. Aoi herself blinks, before smiling once more.

"Ah, what a shame... maybe next time then."

"I'll try and win you something at the arcade?"

"That will be proper compensation, yes~!" Aoi beams, and skips off to ask Nene instead.

Akane turns back to Lemon, who's slack-jawed. "Close your mouth, dimwit. You're gonna catch flies."

"What... just happened?"