what does love feel like?

i think i love you

as the night turned to day, i laid in bed listening to the music that makes me think of him. i stare at the ceiling fan as it spins, trying to distract myself from crying. i hadn't slept in days, i couldn't. i didn't stop thinking about him, how he had to leave, how he hugged me. i continued to kick myself as i thought about how i should have hugged him back. it hurts to see him happy without me, but i know i was no good for him. i hurt him, i pushed him away. i was rude and needy and selfish. i wanted him to want me like i  wanted him. i knew he never would though, i was too much of a mess, a burden.

for a minute, i thought he wanted me. i was wrong of course. he was just making jokes, flirting, but it felt real. i knew it wasn't, but i wished it was. i made myself think he liked me, i told my friends about him, i even told my parents. when he left, i couldn't stop crying. i still haven't stopped. i didn't let him see me cry though, i couldn't make it harder for him to leave. i didn't want him to see how it hurt me, how him leaving tore me apart. i didn't even tell him myself, i was too scared. i was terrified i would ruin one of the only friendships i had, the one with him. he meant a lot to me, he meant too much. that's why it hurt. i'm scared, scared that i'll never see him again, yet too terrified to see him. i haven't called him, i wouldn't be able to hold back tears after hearing his voice.

it's childish really, young love, if you could even call it that. if i do love him, i don't know if i'll ever stop. i don't think i'll ever forget him, how he made my heart flutter, how he made my mind race. he made me feel wanted, he made me feel smart, he made me feel appreciated. i didn't know what that felt like. i miss it. i miss his dorky smile, his square glasses, his sharp features, his contagious laugh. i miss it all. i think i'll miss him forever.
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'i wonder if you look both ways when you cross my mind... i can only see your face when i close my eyes'

- *see you again* tyler, the creator