Mercy In You (Dave Gahan x Alan Wilder)

3. I Rush For You

One week later, January 8th 1993, 9:47am, the recording studio:

It hadn't been the most ordinary of mornings. Something in the atmosphere had changed. Ignorance was at any other time bliss but, today, Martin was finding it exceedingly difficult to ignore. Yet, he didn't quite know what it was. All he knew was that Dave was not himself, and didn't seem to be improving. His stomach was in knots just imagining what could possibly be wrong with his bandmate and friend.
Still, work had to take place.
Martin and Andy had arrived early that morning, whilst the main entrance doors of the studio were still locked. The key to get inside belonged to Alan, so they had no choice but to wait in the freezing weather, sitting beside eachother on the steps leading to the doors. Andy could see Martin visibly shivering in the cold; his teeth even chattered against eachother. Thus, he decided to remove his own jacket and lie it over Martin's shoulders, providing an extra layer of warmth.
"Oh, come on." Martin managed to say through his chattering teeth. "You didn't need to do that."
"Yes, I did. You looked like the guy at the end of The Shining." Andy replied, smirking.
"I haven't even seen that film."
"You probably don't wan-ou, to be honest."
They shared a brief laugh before continuing to wait. But an hour went by, followed by another half of one. Alan and Dave were nowhere to be seen. Martin soon became so cold that his hands were becoming mottled and he could no longer feel them. Andy was feeling similarly, so they both took it upon themselves to find somewhere warm and sheltered for the time being.

~♡~♡~♡~♡~
One hour earlier, 8:30am, the driveway:

Entirely unconscious to Martin and Andy's knowledge was the reasoning for their bandmates' overdue appearance. Dave had been ill all morning and that slowed both himself and his partner down. It was only when they were at last situated in their car, Alan at the wheel and Dave in the passenger seat, that Alan realised how much time they were running late by.
"This makes us look proper great." He said with frustration. "Not even showing up on time to recording sessions. In fact, we're an hour and a half late."
"It's my fault." Dave replied calmly, in contrast to Alan's tone.
"Well, I didn't say that."
"No, but it is because I'm pregnant and they don't know that, they're just gonna think we're lazy."
Alan huffed, remembering about he and Dave's argument one week in the past.
"We've still got some things to think about."
"What things? Oh, yeah I remember now. I still need to look into that."
"What are you on about?"
"The abortion, remember? That you really wanted me to get?"
Alan fell silent, for he had not realised until that moment how harsh he must've sounded in the midst of the argument.
"I'm sorry, Dave." Was the best he could think of as a response. "I shouldn't have walked out on you last week. That was extremely selfish of me."
"It's okay, love." Dave nodded. "I know why you did that. You were shocked. And I know you're not keen on this either."
"I..." His partner's head tilted and nose twitched as he tried to think of a justification. "I just think we need to make a decision."
"Decision?"
"Yes."
"You mean, about whether we're keeping it or not?"
"... Yes again."
"Right, well, it's mainly my decision."
"I know that. I would never force you into doing anything, nevermind having an abortion. But I haven't really changed my mind about it to be totally honest with you, baby."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I still think, for your benefit more than my own or anyone else's, that an abortion would be sensible."
"Why would it be beneficial for me?" His lover's eyes were slowly welling up. "It would... It would break my heart."
"I don't want you to be like one of those parents you see in those depressing daytime television documentaries, who can't look after their kids because of addiction or abuse or some kind of problem like that. And being pregnant as a drug addict is even worse."
"Do you not trust me?"
"It's not a question of whether I trust you or not."
"Yes it is. Because I don't think you have faith in me that I can and will get clean for the sake of the baby."
Once more, Alan was confronted by the unintentionally but wildly hurtful things he had said to the one person he would protect from all hurt and suffering before anyone else, even himself. He couldn't believe what he had done. Dave was never once unforgiving toward him, but he knew now that he was not always deserving of forgiveness.
"I do have faith in you." He finally muttered.
"It didn't seem like it last week."
"I know it didn't. And I know I called you an idiot but you're not, I am. I am because I should've believed off the bat that you will get clean."
"I do get why it's not easy to believe."
"You didn't have one sip of alcohol or one puff of a cigarette with the rest of us on New Year's. That should've been enough to show me what you're willing to sacrifice for your child."
"OUR child, Alan."
"Yeah..." Alan could feel himself too becoming choked up. "Our child."
His state of mind was now altered. He felt at peace knowing that Dave would be making a positive change in both of their lives.
"But, am I getting rid of it or not?" Dave broke their momentary silence.
"That's not up to me." He replied. "It never was. I'm so sorry that I made it seem that way."
"Alan, it's okay. What you said to me did sting and I appreciate that you've admitted to fault, but don't torture yourself with it anymore. How much I love you hasn't been changed and won't ever be changed."
"I love you too. So much." The two of them leaned into a kiss that they never wanted to end.
"And," Yet Dave pulled slightly away for a moment, but his face remained in tight proximity with Alan's. "I suppose I'll just ring the regular doctor's for an appointment rather than the abortion clinic, then."
"Yeah, I suppose so." Alan's words were muffled, for he couldn't bear to pull away as Dave had.

~♡~♡~♡~♡~
Present time, 9:47am, the recording studio:

"That's sounding really good." Andy commented after the four of them finished listening back to the track they had been working on. "Surely this one's nearly done?"
"Yeah, I think vocals are sounding great, Dave," Martin smiled at Dave, and Dave smiled back. "Drums and bass synths are exactly what we want, but guitar I'm not sure."
"Oh, Mart, you're just saying that because you're lead guitar on this record and you're insecure." Alan remarked, to which Martin sighed.
"Maybe you're right. But can I re-record it? Please?"
"Fine." Alan agreed. "But I'm going to smoke first. Who's coming with?"
"Oh, I will." Andy dug around in his pocket for his lighter. "But I take it you'll stay here with Dave, Mart."
"Yeah. I'm still cold after earlier." He joked, reminiscing over the relief he felt to sit inside a warm café while he and Andy waited for Dave and Alan to arrive.
Before long, Alan and Andy had gone out through the studio's fire exit door and into the smoking area, with Martin and Dave remaining inside.
All was then quiet. Dave watched Martin play with his hands in an anxious manner, something he tended to do when they were approaching the end of their recordings. But this seemed different, for Martin seemed perturbed about not only the album, but something more.
"You alright?" He asked him, standing up to switch the coffee machine on.
"Yeah, you?" Martin replied without looking up from his hands.
"Yeah, I'm OK." His bandmate partially lied, for the symptoms of early pregnancy were in full swing. "But I'm more worried about you today, Mart, honestly."
"Well I'm worried about you!" His gaze shot upwards to Dave out of nowhere.
He was becoming agitated and irritable from all of the anxiety he was clearly feeling; Dave recognised that immediately, so decided to sit back down.
"What are you worrying about me for?" He laughed, trying not to seem nervous. "I know New Year's Eve was a bit weird, okay, I'm sorry about that."
"I don't need an apology, I need to know what's going on with you." Martin admitted. "I've been so scared, thinking non-stop about what it is."
And Dave's heart began thumping against his ribcage, his options as to what to tell Martin growing fewer and fewer with every second that passed. For a reason he couldn't even decipher himself, he imagined telling both Martin and Andy at much later of a time. But he knew that if he didn't tell the truth to Martin now, he would likely lose his mind. Or, at best, experience a panic attack, he thought to himself.
"Martin, there's something I think you should know," He began. "But you need to keep it hush while we're in the studio and just generally hanging out together because Fletch will still have no idea yet. Alan and I will have to think of a way to tell him separately."
"Is it really that bad?" Martin asked, the look on his face shifting to one of even more fear.
"It's not necessarily bad, it's just come as a bit of a shock... For me and for Alan." His bandmate reassured him. "And it's gonna mean that things are different now."
"In what way?"
"In every way." Dave bit down on the skin of his lip before continuing. "Mart, I'm pregnant."
"Oh my God." Martin couldn't control which words escaped from his mouth. "Really?"
"Yes." Dave exhaled, feeling relieved second-handedly for Martin. "I took three tests because I didn't think it was real the first time but all of them were positive." He looked at Martin's face which was as white as a ghost but, at the same time, held a joyful expression.
"I can't- I can't believe it."
"Neither can I."
"Are you keeping it?"
"Alan and I had that conversation this morning in the car, funnily enough, because we had a bit of a row about it last week. He wasn't particularly happy when I told him."
"So... ?"
"We've decided we are actually going to keep it. But believe me, Mart, we didn't plan this. We never would've actively tried to have a baby right before a new album and tour; this was the last thing we expected to happen."
"No, I believe you." Martin replied. "But I accept your decision. We can all adapt."
"And I just... I can't let go of it, now that I know it's there. It's my reason."
"Your reason for what?"
"For putting an end to this drug addiction bullshit and getting clean. My life doesn't depend on it but the baby's does. I've got to stop it."
"I think you can do it, Dave." Martin said with pride. "And you're completely spot on with doing it for the baby, but you're also doing it for yourself. Even if you weren't pregnant, this would be a massive accomplishment. Because, well... I think, over the time you've been a user and addict, we've all had to watch you slowly dig yourself a very deep grave. And we all want you to get better."
Those words left a mark on Dave. They filled him with both bereavement and hope. He had wasted time he knew he could never get back, which brought him great sadness. But now, because of Martin, he could be sure that everyone around him desired the best for him, which gave him all the more encouragement to better himself.
For himself, for his bandmates and loved ones.
For his family.