A court of shadows and darkness

Chapter 9

I walked on a scattered stair, leading up to a small meadow. I remembered coming here once when I was little, searching for my best friend that had died at the time.

I grunted at the last couple of stairs and in front of me all different types of graves appeared and I swallowed a lump in my throat. I walked over and passed hundreds of graves, but I was only searching for one.

I knew that my mother's gravestone was a light marble colour and that it had golden lines alongside the stone. Don't ask me how I knew that. I had literally gone to the village, asking people how my mother's grave looked like.

I was to ashamed to ask Rhys. I knew he would've appreciated me asking him. And knowing him, he would've probably insisted on coming along. But I wanted to do this alone. I wanted to spend some time with my mom.

Across the meadow, under a cherry tree was her grave and I walked slowly to it. As if I was scared of it. Not scared, rather nervous. I had never seen my mother's grave before and seeing it now made me want to slump down against the tree and bawl my eyes out.

I wanted to scream at the bastard that killed her and I wanted to just let it all out. These past months had been rough and I had pushed everything down just to come back to my home safely.

I slumped down against the tree covered in pink flowers, bringing up my knees and resting my arms on them. Looking at my mothers grave was almost worse than watching her getting killed in front of me.

I swallowed hard again and stared and stared at the grave, not saying anything. What could I possibly say? There weren't any words that were enough for my mother. There weren't any words enough for how much I missed her and how much I loved her.

Not a single word could express the love I have for my mother. I stroke the soil on her grave and my lip started trembling.

"Hi, ma" I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

I wanted to hear her voice again. I wanted to see her again and hug her and feel her hands stroke my hair every night before sleep. Just like she had did when I was a child. She would always stroke my hair until I feel asleep or read me a fairy tail.

My father on the other hand, was always distant. He was always occupied with court things and I barely saw him throughout my childhood. That's one of the reasons I didn't feel like visiting his grave too.

I kept on stroking the earth beneath me as I talked.

"I miss you mom. I miss you so much and I don't know how to process your death yet. It's been 400 years since you died and it feels like it happened yesterday. I don't know how I'm supposed to live in this court, live with this family. Knowing that I'll never hear your laugh again. I don't think I want to live without you. I don't have the strength for it. So instead, I just survive the days and think about you throughout the whole thing. I love you" I said, a tear falling and rolling down my cheek.

I wanted her to say something back. I wanted her to stroke my back in reassuring circles while I wept under her arms. But that wasn't going to happen, was it? The realisation of a persons death is the worst part of grief.

And it isn't realising their death. I know my mother is dead. It's just the realisation of all the things they're missing out on or the things I'm missing out on.

I wrapped my arms around my body, tears falling freely against the hard earth of the grave. I realised that I would never hear my mother speak to me again. I would never hear her scolding me and Rhys again. I will never see the stars shining in her eyes whenever she laughed.

I would never taste her food again and I would never be able to speak to her, have a conversation about my troubles in life. And when all of that hit me like big wave I couldn't help the sobs that escaped my mouth. It was too much, my mother's death was too much.

Was this what Rhys had went through for hundreds of years, grieving his mother with nobody else at his side?Of course now I had my brother, but I didn't think he was this deep in his grief. For him it had probably subsided, he had probably accepted it a long time ago.

And for me it had barely begun.

I sighed, rubbing my swollen eyes and my runny nose. I would never feel better. That was something I had accepted a very long time ago. My mother and fathers death, I would never accept it. The scars on my body would never hurt less. I had completely given up on hope.

I was staring at my mothers grave, fighting the tears again. Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't it have been anybody else. I needed her. I needed her to feel better.

So I stayed at my mothers grave, until the sun started setting. I stayed there for hours, not wanting to let go. Until my stomach started rumbling and I got up from my fetal position and started once again walking down those stairs.

Under those hours with my mom, my heart broke all over again. A piece of my heart that I had buried deep down had come back again when I saw her grave, and that piece had shattered once again.
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Azriel POV:
It was a couple of hours after Rhys's breakfast this morning. I was slumped down on my desk, going through the four different types of piles of paper. I sighed, rubbing my eyes as I stared at the paper in front of me.

I tried to focus, to do my work and be over with it. But my mind was at a completely different place. It was racing towards every single thing, but work. After a couple of hours of work I started thinking about Nova. Where was she? I hadn't seen her since breakfast and we lived in the same house.

I guessed she just wanted to get away. I had sensed just how uncomfortable she had been during breakfast. Not that I payed that much attention to her, I could literally smell her discomfort. Which had me want to hug her, tell her everything was alright.

But I had brushed those thoughts away, because they were completely inappropriate and weird. She didn't feel the same, I could feel it. She didn't look at me the way she used to and she was just cold against me.

I finished off the last paper and sat silently in my chair, rubbing my temples in an attempt to make my headache subside. I blew out a breath, just when I heard the door open to the house. My room was close enough for me to pick on when somebody entered the house.

The steps were very slow and quiet, as if somebody was hurting and didn't have the energy to bother walking. I stood up from my chair and went to the door. I opened it and the hallway revealed a wary Nova for me. She was walking right past me. I met her eyes, they were so red that anybody understood that she had been crying.

"Are you ok-" I said but she interrupted me.

"Don't bother" she whispered, walking past me and in to her own room.

I stood, left alone in his doorway. I just wanted to know what bothered her. I wanted to know and then comfort her. I wanted to know everything that was on her mind. I was completely and utterly consumed by her.

I sighed once again, and went back in to my room. I slipped out of my Illyrian leathers and got in some more comfortable clothes. I had promised Mor to go to Rita's with the rest of the group. And I don't break my promises.

Without another thought I flied down to the bar I knew to well and drank away my sorrows with the people I loved the most.