Ebony's ruined movie reviews

Barbie and the charm princess school

Celestine, here it is, the moment you've been waiting for, and it's fucking long because I can't give a short review.

So, unlike some people, I did not get to watch a lot of Barbie movies.

Movie picking was done by all of the kids and I can assure you that the males in my family did not want to watch Barbie in the princess factory, alright?

The few that I watched were watched at my friend's places and I always found them okay but I was never super into them.

So Barbie is neither nostalgic nor in my age group, but seeing as though the live action Barbie is coming out, I thought "why not catch up on all those badly animated movies I missed out on?"

So, welcome everyone to Barbie Princess charm school, or as I like to call it

Barbie gem class

Get your blonde wig situated on your head and shove in your blue eye contacts, because this is going to be a willllddd ride! And by wild ride I mean like if Ya'll ever watched the Wild Thornberry's that's what it's gonna be like.

So, we start this Barbie movie off with a scene in which our main character (who I assumed was named Barbie but is actually named Blair) is setting up her average daily job at a café. This montage is accompanied by this beautiful song sung by absolutely no-one that pretty much gives away the whole fucking plot.

All you need to hear is, "You can tell she's a princess" and then you can leave your popcorn and frozen Fanta and hightail it out of the cinema because there is just nothing more to know about the plot, orrrrr you can stay with the rest of the juvenile population in the cinema and be subjected to retinal torture.

Your choice.

Anyway, after almost two minutes of suffering through the montage, we finally get to see Blair leave her job and make her way home. On the way we can see that my girl almost lives in what looks to be downtown GTA city, and so here we can assume that she is very poor. Much sadness, and boohoo.

At home we first meet Blair's younger sister, Emily. This little munchkin has unlimited access to the TV and it's not doing so good for her brain development. Now, something we need to know about Emily is that she's obsessed with royalty. And who wouldn't be? I mean, doesn't the idea of someone controlling your every move and someone else wanting to kill you to steal your place sound so appealing?

Now, Blair and Emily have a very close and cute bond. Blair is a very involved elder sister, which is exactly what I wanted as a kid but never got fuck you barbie, fuck you right in your blondeness!

Anyway, that's not important-

So after a little bit of swinging around like sugar infused toddlers, Emily says to Blair, "yo here's your crown dawg" and Blair laughs like, "Hell nah dawg I ain't got no crown I ain't no damn princess," and Emily's like, "Yo everyone's a princess some just got deyselves some shiny ass crowns that's it."

And this sets somewhat of a premonition for the upcoming plot.

After this little convo we're introduced to another character – Blair and Emily's mum. We can tell from the dialogue between the two girls that their mother is quite sick. Blair takes this upon her shoulders like the good eldest daughter she is and tells Emily that she will just have to keep working her ass of in order to make everything better.

Following that little conversation we see some show or something pop up on their 1990's television screen about some lottery that's worse than any lottery you've ever seen because the reward is getting a place in the palace as some lady in waiting or something.