Ebony's ruined movie reviews

Sparkle magic twilight🦇✨💅🏻

(All information about the movie used in this review is solely for the purpose of reviewing the movie and making fun of it because thats what I do here.)

So, if you didn't already know, I have never sat down and fully watched the teen movie 'Twilight' until today. It never really interested me, except when I was much younger and I am glad that I was able to watch it at an age where I was a bit more mature because I would have eaten this shit up as a kid. I have of course, seen the memes and several short clips of the film but I have not seen the film in its awful entirety. 

Not only did the movie release while I was still pre-pubescent, but even during my teenage hood I wasn't allowed to watch it because it was about 'satanic stuff'.

You can imagine my disappointment when I put the movie on, hoping for blood rituals and murder and all I get is a sparkly skin boy with an eye contact issue. 

Anyway, lets begin. 

So, the movie begins with a monologue on death, which is always a great way to start a story. The opening scene is of a harmless little deer hanging out all peacefully until she hears a predator. They begin a small chase until the predator - most likely a vampire - gives the deer a massive bear hug as the deer attempts to escape his grasp. So, yeah. That's sweet.

After that it cuts to Bella Swan, our main protagonist who speaks in a very monotone manner and makes less facial expressions than someone with botox. She's moving from her mother's place in Phoenix, Arizona because her mother and step father are going on a road trip. 

Also, can I just point out here that Bella says she will 'Miss the heat' um ma'am you are as pale as the colouring behind these words you have never stepped outside of an airconditioned room don't even lie-

Anyway, so while Bella's mum is on her road trip with her new husband, Bella will have to stay with her dad in a rainy town called Forks. Her dad is the chief of police in the town of spoons...I mean, Forks.

As Bella looks around her old room, filled with an array of naked dolls bodies - brutally torn apart and otherwise - and other paintings and things from her childhood, we see just how sad Bella is to be in a town that's as bland and depressing as she is. 

Soon we meet Billy Black and his son Jacob, and they're apart of some Native American tribe that has lived in the area for many years I think? 

Jacob, who very obviously has feelings for the emotionless Bella introduces himself with a "We UsED tO MaKe MUd PiEs WheN We WeRe LitTlE." 😃

And Bella's just like "Haha I remember" 😅 (who tf is this guy) 

And he's like 😃 "ha ha"

 So that's a whole lot of chemistry right there to set up for the next film. 

Bella gets a free car from Billy and his son, which is definitely what I would have wanted when moving to my dad's place but lets not speak about that.

Bella drives her new car to school and is greeted by a guy that's like "nice ride" or something like that and Bella just sends him the dirtiest look and the tiniest thanks and at this point its giving:

Anyway, after that, Bella gets quickly taken into a little niche inside the school, (despite her people skills being at absolute rock bottom) and they begin to kind of tell her the out and ends of the school and who's who. 

And that's where Bella sees the

✨💅🏻Killens 💅🏻✨

I mean