desiderium | m. o'hara

sixteen

TW: just a lil dash of spice ✨

  "Hey, Miguito."

  I twirl a lock of grass between my fingers. His grave's begun to sprout wildflowers, small buds of blues and yellows and pinks. I lean against his grave stone pine tree and watch the rolling hills of the horizon, searching for the words I want to say.

   I drop my hands to my lap in frustration. How can I be a journalist, work with words every day, and yet my mental dictionary still fails me? I press my head against the tree's trunk and frown at the long stretch of baby grass before me.

  "I had it all planned out in the car ride here, you know," I mumble. My thumb strokes the grass strand wound tight around my index finger. "My speech. I went over it and over it again." I laugh shortly. "Look at you. Even like this, you still leave me fumbling for words."

  I grin at my own stupid little joke, and then feel the sting of tears welling. They drip down my cheeks and land amongst his wildflowers.

   "I miss you," I choke out. I sag against the tree and pretend it's him, wish dearly it was him. "I miss you a lot. Every single day."

  I close my eyes tightly. More tears fall, twin rivulet waterfalls. The breeze whispers through the leaves above me, sending a chill that bites through my coat. My seat has grown damp from the dewy ground. I don't plan to move anytime soon.

  If Mig's in the earth, then I'll stick as close to him as I can.

  My breath comes out in an uneven shudder. My throat begins to close, grows thick and painful with my emotional torrent. I force past it. I came here to talk to him, so I'll talk to him.

  "You just couldn't stop at being a goddamn genius, could you?" I chuckle weakly. "You had to be Spider-Man, too. I can't believe you kept that from me. You're an asshole until the very end, you know?"

  My grin wobbles. "Fuck, but I love you for it. I love you." My voice pitches, shaky. "I love you, Mig. I love you so much."

  I lift my shirt to wipe away my tears. I feel stupid for not bringing any tissues.

  "Oh, my god," I exhale with a thin laugh. "Oh, Mig, you'd love Peter. You'd wring his neck, but you'd love him. And Jess and Patrick, too. There's so many of you - and not just you-you. Spider-People, a whole fucking society." I sob through a giggle and shake my head. "It's so absurd. You're still amazing me, but that's not surprising. You've been amazing me since I met you.

  "Do you remember that?" I ask. My vision has completely gone, blurry thoroughly with tears. "You were such a dick to everyone, and then you meet one girl who can throw your attitude right back at you and you fall in love." I snicker and lift my eyes to the sky - so blue. So blue, like he made it this perfect just for me. "You were adorable. And the day we had Rosalina - you were crying more than she was. Who knew that mean, scary Miguel O'Hara was such a softy?"

  I imagine him rolling his eyes at me and grumbling. It brings a smile to my face.

  "You're a softy in all of the universes," I argue with the reaction I know he'd have. "And I think there's no choice for me but to love every version of you."

  I glance over at the edge of the glade where Miguel waits. He's tinkering with his Gizmo and talking quietly to Lyla. They're both far enough away to give me privacy, but close enough that I can call to them if I need.

  "I'm sorry for not telling Rosita," I whisper. My eyes drop back to the budding flowers that grow above him. "I just can't bring myself to. But I promise I will one day. When she's a little older and can handle it."