What have you done? || 🧠 || [Karlnapity Angst]

5

An: all the next chapters are going to be in Q's pov, unless said otherwise <3

TW:
Mention of abuse
Hallucinations
Fat shaming
SH
SA
Manipulation

......

I was now alone. And would be for the rest of my life.
I shouldnt have put my hopes too high, i never had sucess in my love life.
Schlatt? Abuser
Eret? Not real love
Karl and Sapnap? I dont know. It didnt go well, i guess.

I still love them. I love them so much. But I cant take risks.
I understand Karl's point, but why at that time?
When i started to get worse mental health?
Why did he invite me to Kinoko anyway? If he was scared that I would do anything? Thats the most confusing part

I had a small bag that had clothing, a small box with things that reminded me of Kinoko and the people in it, and some weapons to defend myself.
Nothing else. No food, no water, no nothing.
I didnt care enough

My first instinct was to live in Tubbo's house, he is a good friend of mine. But Snowchester is too far away.
Then Philza, but he lives with Techno
Then Fundy, but Fundy went crazy, I cant risk going crazy too

So Tommy. Tommy hates Dream, like me, and thats eveything I need to live with someone. And if Deam decided to torture Tommy, I would be there to defend him

I started walking to his house. It wasnt too far away

As I did, I started getting dizzy. Too dizzy, so I sat on the floor, to try to calm myself down
I didnt eat anything today, it could have been because of that

Then a figure appeared. It was an hallucination.
They were rare to happen but I assumed they were going to appear more often, because there was no one to help me

The figure came closer. Too close
"Remember what I told you? Im always right. They forgot you. They dont fucking care if you kill them or not, they just realized how awful of a person you are. And look. Your looks could have an update, dont you think?"

I started breathing heavily as the figure smiled to me, touching me cheek
"What d-do you mean?" I whispered.
There was no one in front of me, only things my mind made up, thats why I whispered. I dont want people to think im crazy, even though im slowly going insane

"Like eating less. You already made a great choice! Not bringing food. Thats a great step to becoming less fat- you know! Then maybe... lets see, what blades do you have on your bag?"

"Im not going to cut myself, Schlatt, at least not for you"

"Hey! I didnt say for you to cut yourself.... but you know. Just some on your thighs and wrists dont hurt, do they?"

"Schlatt, please... Im not going to"

He looks at me.

"Oh. oh. Okay then. You will have to suffer- the same amount of pain- in another way"

"What?"

"I know where you can get yourself a shot of alcohol, love~"

"No. No. NO! I dont want to drink"

"Oh why not? Maybe when youre drunk you accidentaly kill yourself and- you will be with me and THEN you cant escape me. Or you cut yourself and ill leave"

"You cant force me. You are on my mind!"

"Exactly. Im am on your mind. Im tied to you. Forever. And ever. And ever.
So you better listen to me. And do what I say. Or else, the only way to make me go away is dying. Or cutting yourself. You dont have anyone else anyway.
I just want you to feel better, love!~ And to feel better, you have to look good. And now, you are just fat. Stop eating and cut yourself, and that will work!
Or, even better, you can go torture dream again to get the revival book. Revive me and ill make you look good on my hands. You are safe with me"

"I... dont want to go torture dream."

"Then do what I say, love, i promise youll look good in some weeks!~"

I couldnt look away from him. But what will I do? He is right. I dont have anyone. So...?
Maybe I am fat. Maybe I have to do what he says

Maybe Ill feel better if I do just what he says. Actually... it can be kinda nice. He makes me company. I think. If you can call it that

"..Well i dont think I can cut myself with a sword, can I?"

"Well you can do it with anything that is sharp enough. Even with your nails. Buut! Open the bag. Let me see."

I do as he says, picking it up and opening it.

"Whats the box for?"

"Stuff to remember Kinoko" I open the box

There was a lighter, gifted to me by Nick when I said that i needed one and ended up never using. He lit every cigarette ive ever smoke in Kinoko. At least the ones where we were smoking together
Im not the only one addicted to it

A small purple diamond that Karl found in the forest when we were having a walk was there too. It is so rare, and it means so much to me. It was such a shock when we found it. I didnt even know they existed

Theres also a wood pin made by George with "XD" on it. It was hand painted. I dont know what that means but he gave me that and i kept it

I have so many memories in this country that it feels unreal that im leaving. That I was forced out. That I was forced out by the love of my life

"You dont need that shit. It will make your more depressed. Except the diamond, they sell for a lot"

"But... not even the lighter? I mean, dont cigarettes make people skinnier too?"

"I guess they do. And the pin can be used for fire. I dont know. Thats not what I was looking for though"

I go through the bag again, taking some things out

"Fucking shit, dont you have a simple knife?!"

"I do.. i do.."
I took it out and gave it a good look. I wasnt sure if I wanted to cut myself yet.

"What are you waiting for? Go on, ill watch. Theres no one near, love, no one will judge you"

So I do.
I rolled up my sleeve and took a deep breath.
I slid the blade through my skin. It hurt a lot.

"Fuck-!" I groan

"Just one? Come on you can do more than that"

And I did. I did again.
And again.
And again.
And again
And again for the next 30 minutes

I cant believe this. Whats wrong with me? I blindly followed the man that abused me.
And now he left. Because that was his promise. I cut myself, he leaves.
But now im here, bleeding, in a random place, alone.

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1186 words 🤩