Planning on Forever

CHAPTER 16

Vanessa needed a hole big enough to disappear into, preferably one with a medic on standby to mend her breaking - broken - heart. Seeing Cole again was...otherworldly and not in the seeing a seventh wonder of the world type, more the thrown into a fire pit of knives. She was spinning out of control, slowly losing any sense of normalcy she had left. Cole had that affect on her. He'd always had a way of turning her into a pile of mush. When they were younger, it was endearing; she was left feeling all gooey and in love. Now, the mushy feeling was as enjoyable as standing in a pile of dog shit. 

A lot can change in seven years. She wondered what he looked like now. He'd probably still be as handsome but, more refined than boyish. He'd still be charming with his roguish smile and carefree personality. He was the love of her life back then, the man she had hoped to raise AJ with. He'd thrown her heart away quicker than she expected yet, it was how quickly he threw AJ away that hurt the most. She was an adult - ish - and was capable of one day bouncing back from the pain but AJ, he was innocent in it all; left for no reason. That was an unforgivable offense, one she wasn't ready to face head on with Cole back on local soil. 

Vanessa felt no regret for leaving Jonah to face Cole alone - okay maybe some regret - mostly she felt energized to push the past away once and for all. Jonah's  reappearance in her life was surprising but through the weeks that had passed, she'd found snippets of their old friendship returning. It was welcoming, enjoyable and a great reprieve from the mundane of her adult life. She was slowly finding ways to embrace the new Jonah and she found she liked him a lot more. The same couldn't be said for Cole's reappearance. Perhaps this was their sign to finally close that part of their lives, to move on from their past which had torn their trio apart.

By the time Vanessa had got home and was brave enough to look at her phone, she was slightly disappointed to see no notification. She wasn't itching to see Cole but, she'd assumed Jonah had missed her presence. Rather then fixate, Vanessa had spent the remainder of her evening with AJ, soaking in every moment with him and trying her best to not draw parallels. It was a challenge. There were moments when it would be too obvious to ignore. AJ's patience was as thinly strung as Cole's. His tongue would be pushed against his cheek when he concentrated, just like Cole. Even in his stubbornness when asked to bath. Sometimes, in those moments, she was hit with the realization of just how much of Cole he had in him. That day, more than any other, it angered her most. 

Once AJ was asleep, tucked in his bed, Vanessa sat on her own looking through old photos from high school. She wanted desperately to remember what it used to be like. She'd forgotten over the years of the good times. The pain was all she'd been capable of feeling. Spending time with Jonah was helping her realize that it wasn't all bad. If she were able to see passed the hurt with Jonah, perhaps she'd be able to do the same with Cole. 

There was a secret stash of photos Vanessa had kept hidden in the back of her cupboard in a shoe box. She'd last looked at it on AJ's first birthday. She'd been a wreck that day. Rather than celebrate one full year of having AJ in her life, all Vanessa was able to focus on was the sadness of having to do it alone. Nick had lectured her and as hard as his scolding had been to receive, it had done its job. She'd shaken herself out of her pity party, strengthened her resolve and promised herself to throw away the longing. She'd been successful for six years. 

Vanessa opened the shoe box carefully, almost afraid of what she might find. The first photo on the pile had her smiling. Vanessa anticipated the tightness of neglect, loneliness and sadness to consume her. She never anticipated for joy or nostalgia to wrap around her warmly. The photo was one of the last photos taken with her, Cole and Jonah. Vanessa stood between them, shorter and younger with a large smile on her face and her long dark hair blowing behind her. Her arms were hooked around Cole and Jonah's waists' their own wrapping around hers. Cole's hair was already incredibly short, just a buzz on his head. He was smiling but something was off about it. Vanessa looked closer at the picture, noticing for the first time how both Cole and Jonah weren't happy. They were both smiling but she'd known them long enough to recognize the stiffness of their lips and hollowness in their eyes. 

How had she missed this? The more she stared at the picture, the more she noticed the matching expressions of Jonah and Cole and how contrasted they were to her own. She was the only one with true joy reflecting, the other two were faking enjoyment. Vanessa thought back to that moment. She remembered it being just after their last day of senior year. They were at the lake, enjoying a day in the summer. They'd been talking about their next plans. Vanessa hadn't known she was pregnant then. She hadn't known about Cole's planned departure. She hadn't known about Jonah's secret. From what she remembered of that day, it was blissful. They'd swam, talked, laughed and celebrated their friendship. 

Now, looking at the picture with older eyes, Vanessa wondered if the signs were there all along. Maybe she'd been blind to them. Perhaps, what was most likely, she'd chosen not to notice them. Two weeks after their day at the lake, Vanessa had found out about her pregnancy and Cole had announced his news and left the day after with no plan to acknowledge or accept AJ... or her. He knew what he was doing. His face in the picture made it clear and she'd been blind to it. While she'd been ready to celebrate the new adventure into adulthood, he was making plans of his own which didn't include her. 

Vanessa looked at Jonah's face again. Jonah had dropped his own bomb on Vanessa two weeks after the lake incident and it had ended more disastrously than it had with Cole. But, now Vanessa wondered just how innocent he could have been in all of it. It was clear. She'd been played by them both. She hated being made a fool above anything else. The warm nostalgic feeling was long gone and in its place was white rage, blinding and suffocating. And to think, she'd been warming up to Jonah. Shed been close to bridging that gap from years ago and seeing if the wounds were healed.   

Vanessa slammed the lid on the shoe box and threw it across the room. She was done looking behind her. She was done hoping to mend bridges and fix the past. She was done hoping for her little family to be whole again. She was done hoping her heart would be filled. 

She was done with Cole and Jonah, once and for all. 

Her phone buzzed with a message.

JONAH: Could we talk? Just the two of us.

Vanessa wanted to scream. She wanted to smash her phone against the wall. She wanted to send every swear word she knew to him. Instead, she sighed, dropped her phone to the bed and cried. Her phone buzzed again and she ignored it. It buzzed two more times. Still, she let it sit beside her on her blankets while her head was stuck between her drawn up legs and cried. All her anger slipped out of her with every tear. 

Her cries weren't piercing wails. They weren't body wrecking sobs. She just cried. Soft, gentle tears that flowed like a lazy river - never ending. She felt numb. She no longer felt sad. She no longer felt angry. She no longer felt disappointed or heart broken. What she felt was much worse. 

She felt detached.