DIRT: the grunge diaries - Bessie's diary

Entry 58 - Grind

Bessie

"Your fucking friend needs to shut her big mouth." Jerry says as we pack up our bags to leave for Denver.

I roll my eyes and knock back some Tylenol with a bottle of still water, this headache not budging.

"She's getting in the way of you and me....giving you ideas..." he continues to go on.

I take a deep breath after taking the pain killers and sigh. "You two need to stop this. You are constantly on her back....that comment about her weight was uncalled for. She had an eating disorder a few years back, and things like that you never recover from. You need to think before you say shit."

"Babe...I'm sorry, I am...I didn't realise." Jerry replies, walking behind me, moving his hands up my arms. "You look fucking hot, in this little dress...." he says, commenting on my skin tight black mini dress.

I turn around, "You aren't sorry, you're saying that to humour me. You need to apologise to Tori. By the way, Tori hasn't given me any ideas, I am my own Jerry....please understand that." 

The way he's looking at me, I can tell he wants to be intimate, he wants to fuck me again, but I'm not in the mood, feeling like absolute crap and pissed off at him for arguing with Tori. He should know better, but he doesn't and it just gives me further reason why I could never love him. He goes to kiss me and I turn my head. I don't want it right now.

I can tell he's getting pissy with me. He's being denied and he hates it, he hates rejection because he feels like he is entitled.

"Bess, what's wrong?" he says in a huff, looking irritated.

"Nothing, I'm just not in the mood." I respond.

"Oh come on babe....I need you...I want that pretty mouth around me, I want to suck on those perfect titties, lick your pussy until you shudder from pure pleasure. I wanna fuck you so you cum in succession." he says, obviously needy. Like always.

"No, maybe when we get to Denver....just let me feel better first." I say, holding my head.

"Babe, come on...." he says, moving his hand to my cheek, in which I pull away.

I go to finish packing my bag and get my toothbrush from the bathroom, packing that in the back compartment of my suitcase.

I can hear Jerry tut as I carrying on getting ready to leave.

"We gonna talk about you leaving in the night?" Jerry says sternly now, clearly annoyed that I refused his advances.

"What about it? I fucked Layne." I say simply, knowing he will be none too pleased with my blase comment.

"Fuck Bess, why do you do this? We had an amazing night, I took you for dinner, we had great sex, then you go to fuck my frontman, YET AGAIN. During the night, you left me to be with him." Jerry replies, oh and guess what he's pissed at me. No surprises there.

"I'm not even going to talk about this with you. I told you so many times and you refuse to listen, I AM NOT YOURS." I respond and get my suitcase ready to roll out of the room.

I grab my shades and my bag, pulling my suitcase along the plush carpet, before opening the door and leaving.

Jerry grabs his stuff and follows behind me, huffing and puffing like a sore loser that just came eleventh in a ten person relay. He gets extremely sulky when he doesn't get his way, and honestly, it's the best way to annoy him when he needs taking down a peg or two.

We reach the elevator and I get in with Jerry shortly following. He gets in next to me and presses the button for the ground floor with such force, like he's making a statement, a 'fuck you' to me with his passive aggressiveness. I shake my head and look at the numbers counting down until we get to the lobby. The doors open and I see our people. I walk out of the elevator and smile at Tori, Sean, Chrissie, Chris and Layne who are all smoking and talking, Starr is with a new brunette who isn't the one who was on the tour bus with us, as she makes out with him all while sitting on his lap, waiting for us before they head back to the tour bus. Jerry walks out of the elevator after, and the sour look on his face makes everyone aware of how annoyed he is. 

I can see Layne eyeing me up, staring at my figure, the black mini dress accentuating every curve my body possesses. One of the things I love about Layne is that he appreciates me and knows what I am and what I like. he isn't possessive of me like Jerry is. He understands that I love sex, but I rarely want the commitment that goes with it, he knows I sleep with other guys and he respects it. He doesn't call me a slut and treats me like a total lady even though others would disrespect me to no end.

Tori hugs me and I can see her tearing up. She still thinks I'm gonna die and that 'Jerry's crabs are killing me', she also thinks I'm pregnant. I understand her worry, I do and it's sweet of her, even though she may be a little neurotic.

"You're still alive!" she says, tears falling down her face.

"Heeeeyyyyyyy Ohhh I.....I'm still aliiiveee" Sean sings in his best Eddie Vedder impression.

"Yes, not dead yet." I joke with a smirk, my head still feeling like it's about to explode.

I see Tori giving Jerry the evil eyes, before Jerry walks out of the hotel with a "Fuck this", as he gets his cigarettes out.

"You alright girl?" Chrissie asks seriously, understanding that me and Cantrell may have had a slight argument. To be honest it wasn't even that, it was Jerry getting frustrated because he wanted to get his end wet and I refused him. Not the first time and won't be the last.

I nod and take a deep breath. "Yeah, just fed up with the arguing and the sulking."

"HE HAD ME ON ALL FOURS! SQUAWK!" Cock Soup says affectionately, as we all laugh at his out cry. Such a champion.

"Who's a good boy? You are!" Tori says to the cockatiel as she rubs his head and the bird closes his eyes like he's enjoying the attention, still perched on Tori's shoulder. 

We all begin to head outside the hotel, when Layne stops me from wheeling my suitcase, taking it from me and wheeling it as he walks next to me.

"Layne, you're sweet but you don't have to." I smile.

"No, but Can't tell Cantrell ain't gonna do it, and you're feeling sick so I'm just doing the gentlemanly thing." Layne smiles, while puffing on a Lucky Strike.

"Thank you," I say, not used to being treated like this. I have no doubt that if Stone were here, he'd absolutely be the same way.

Tori and Sean head to her bike, as they will be travelling the remainder of the journey that way, while the rest of us continue on in the tour bus, aside from Chrissie and Chris, whose car is not far from the bus.

I wish my friends a good journey before I step onto the bus, Jerry already on it, already with a beer in hand and a smoke in the other. Layne follows behind me and then Starr and his new brunette girl join us a few minutes later.

This trip will be awkward, but at least I have Layne to talk to and at least he treats me like a human being.

Denver....here we come.