The Queen's Secret

IV- Devoted to Duty

(129 AC)

The queen looked down at her nails. Even twenty years later, she had never been able to completely shake off the vice. It had started with Rhaenyra. But her mother's death had finally made it a part of her. Mother...

It all happened very quickly. Mother had been coughing for a long time, complaining of chest pains. She had also been spitting up blood. But the end came suddenly. Barely two weeks after catching Alicent kissing Rhaenyra, she collapsed and couldn't get up anymore. Beads of sweat on her forehead that never went away no matter how hard Alicent dabbed. Fever dreams. Her father couldn't bear the sight. Alicent was watching over her alone. Until her mother pressed her hand onto her heart and told her to always stick to the Seven. The Seven would guide her. Always. As she spoke, life drained from her eyes.

A sight that still sometimes haunted her dreams. Just like when she was a young girl, Alicent sat in front of the fireplace. Alone. Abandoned by the world. The only thing she hadn't known back then was wine to numb her pain. Alicent took a sip.

What followed was the first great darkness of Alicent's life. With her mother she lost her refuge. A sanctuary her father could never give to her. Not that he ever bothered. Affection was not in his nature. He cared in a different way. A way that Alicent was yet to learn of. So what was left in the dark days after mother's death? Black robes, looks of pity, expressions of condolence. Candles in the sept. And Rhaenyra.

The princess visited her whenever she had free time. Almost forced Alicent to go for a walk. It was Rhaenyra who first made Alicent laugh again. And after a few weeks of lonely grief, Alicent felt something again. Something like confidence.

The Queen rose and walked to her desk. She turned the key off a drawer. She took out the parchment that was inside so that she could see the bottom. She raised it. Underneath, a small box decorated with ornaments appeared. Alicent lifted it onto the table. With two movements she had opened the locking mechanism of the box. She looked down on her most secret treasures. A lock of mother's hair. A brooch she owned. A dried rose... And a piece of paper that a princess once tore from a book. 

She took out the book page and looked at it. It was as if this sheet marked one of the last moments of lightheartedness in Alicent's life.

That moment when the two of them sat under the tree in the Godswood. The princess's head rested on Alicent's leg. She told her that she wanted to fly across the country with Alicent... and only eat cake... How naive they both had been. But they had maintained an intimacy with one another. Even if they had never been as close as they were right before Mother's death. Rhaenyra's eyes could still cast a spell on Alicent - but as it was, it was fine with Alicent. They were together. They were for each other. What more could she ever want?

Alicent lowered the paper to the table. From that day on fate took its course. The Queen's Death. The death of her baby, the longed-for heir to the throne. Rhaenyra becoming heir to the throne. And her father's plans... Alicent closed her eyes.

Of course she had known immediately why her father was sending her to the king. Disgust ran down her spine like a shiver. There was no objection. After her mother's death, her father was her only ally at court, the only person who belonged to her unconditionally. Alicent was sworn to obedience and loyalty to him. And so she went to Viserys. Fearful. And tormented by remorse. Rhaenyra mustn't know about it. She wouldn't have understood and Alicent couldn't have explained it.

To her surprise, the visits to the king turned out to be more pleasant than she had feared. Viserys did not touch her. He always kept a comfortable distance. They talked about old Valyria, about history and trivia at court. These were meetings with a fatherly friend. Alicent hoped it could stay that way and lessen over time. But she knew she should hope otherwise.

Father's plan worked out. Viserys chose her as his new wife. That moment in the Small Council, when the king declared his decision and Rhaenyra saw the truth – it split Alicent's heart in two. Even today, she still wondered if there was anything she could have done to change what was happening. What had become of them. If they could have been saved somehow...

It was pointless. Alicent put the page in the box, back to the treasures of the past. She might stand here and wonder how things could have turned out differently. But she could not have changed anything all on her own. It would have taken Rhaenyra too to do that. And Rhaenyra, she was sure, had never had these thoughts that still tormented Alicent today. Rhaenyra had not thought about Alicent for so long. She locked the drawer.