The immigrant i once was

Existential crisis

I woke up shivering from the cold, as I slowly opened my eyes to check the phone, 2 o'clock, I couldn't help but be surprised by Ray's shoulders next to me, what can I say I am still not used to this.
As usual I started overthinking while staring at him, afraid to wake him up i decided to go to the kitchen and make a cup of chamomile tea to relax and try to go back to sleep which is usually hard for me.
I went to the kitchen and prepared my cup of tea that I know i will not even drink because the distance from our room to the kitchen is enough to make a girl sleepy.
"Is everything okay Ma'am?" Erica our house maid said out of no where
"You scared me Erica why aren't you asleep" I said
"I am talking to my kids Ma'am i stay up because of the time zone difference" she answered shyly
"When was the last time you actually saw them?" I asked her
"Oh ma'am at last i saw my son he was 1 year old and now he's 7 years old" she answered vaguely but i could feel that she's not happy about it, i mean who would be
I sat down and stared at my cup and my intrusive thoughts got the best of me as i told her "i will tell Mr Ray tomorrow to book you a ticket back home , will 10 days be enough for you? Because we cannot live without you more than 10 days" i smiled at her
It took her a while to understand what I said and she started crying
"Its okay to be emotional honey, tomorrow we will go and you will buy gifts for your family"
I stood up and put a hand on her shoulder
"Sleep early or else Mr. Ray's coffee will not be on time and both you and I will go on a one way ticket home" i said trying to stop the tears that she tried so hard to hide while she murmured a thank you Ma'am.
As i was walking toward our room I sat on the last stair and that's when I started thinking about what I was trying to run away from.
Ever since we moved in together, i sit on this stair and i look around the villa, i look outside at the garden and i wonder: do i really deserve this, why am i not satisfied while i know damn well people will kill to be in my shoe, and the worst thought which is something bad will happen and it will take everything that i have now and burn it to the ground
While playing with my tea bag and zoning i heard footsteps and i see Ray shirtless scratching the back of his beck with his eyes barely open
" do you want me to move our bed to this area because you seem to be comfortable here nowadays" he said while he seemed not so happy about it
"Did i wake you up babe?" I asked
"If you consider me trying to hug you and not finding you as waking me up then yea you did" he said sarcastically
"What are you gonna do about that maybe lower the AC next time" i replied
"How about i give you good memories in that room" he smirked while walking towards me
I closed my robe that i was wearing and stood up
"You should taste this tea" i said trying to change the topic because there's nothing that i want more than doing what i know he wants to do but i am scared of being attached more than i already am, in my head, i am avoiding this because of the thought that he will leave me and i will be shattered.
"Mmmmm changing the subject aren't we" he said still eyes barely open but this time he was in front of me with his hand on my waist
I smiled and looked down
He kissed my forehead and hugged me
"Go to bed babe we have a long day tomorrow"
I hugged him and sniffed his neck and we went to bed , i laid there just staring at him until i fell asleep
Oops, silly me, readers must be wondering how i got here, well let me tell you the whole story, my name is Mariam and it all started when...