even the unknowns ; chenji

zhong chenle esquire

chenle

Clearwater University is a series of old brick buildings covered in ivy and surrounded by sprawling fields, like ground zero for every tasteful academic screensaver ever. Somehow the sun is brighter here, grass greener, air sweeter, parking spots plentiful. It's where both Chenle's parents got their graduate degrees, and where someday Chenle will get his too.

Chenle stops the car and gets out, looking up at the main building. Jisung stands next to him.

"It's, like, picturesque," he says.

"Yeah."

"Bet the dorms are nice."

"Probably."

"You okay?"

Chenle looks at him, looks away, looks back, looks away again. For some reason he wants to hold Jisung's hand. He almost tries. Then he hears a shout from behind them.

His mother is strutting across the lot, arms outstretched. Her blazer and pencil skirt are blindingly white, hair swept back with stylish streaks of grey. She hugs Chenle tightly — her brooches make it kind of painful — then stands back to scan him head to toe.

"I told you to wear your father's Clearwater sweatshirt," she says, pouting.

"I know, I... forgot." It's under his bed where he left it because he hates it. "Sorry."

"It's okay, we can pick up another one for you today." She turns to Jisung, gives him a hug too. "Jisung, dear, how are you."

"Hey, uh, hello, Mrs. Zhong."

"Look at you, you're too skinny. What have you been eating?"

"I-I eat food."

She blinks at him, then turns back to Chenle. "Let's begin!"

The three of them walk the trail around the fountain — seriously, a fountain — and join the group of kids and parents standing on the steps. Some dude decked in Clearwater paraphernalia is talking, energetically, about the new-and-improved bus stops and QR code maps. Exciting stuff.

"Hey, look." Jisung is tugging on Chenle's sleeve. He points at a guy floating around the garden beds, wearing overalls that read 'Lee's Landscaping' on the back. "That must be the groundskeeper."

"So?"

"Landscaping. I never considered that. It's basically boss level gardening, right?"

"Are you super into gardening suddenly?"

"I grew that bean in Biology. That was kind of fun."

"Is this you trying to make a smooth exit?"

"No. I mean, partly. But mostly not." Jisung rolls up the sleeves on his hoodie. "I'm going to talk to him."

"About what?"

"I don't know, whatever landscaping is. I mean, if that's okay with you. That I go."

"No, it's whatever. Just catch up, or meet back at the car, whichever first."

"Cool." Jisung smiles and heads off into the garden, lugging the kennel with him. Chenle watches him for a second, then turns away, biting his lip. His mother is listening intently to the guide's architecture factoids. Chenle wonders if flinging himself head-first into the fountain might put him in a coma that would last the exact duration of this tour.

They move slowly around the main building, and then inside, a scholastic-chic anteroom with checkerboard floors and vaulted ceilings that echo every little noise he makes right back to him. The others in the group ask questions Chenle already knows the answers to, knew years ago without ever having to ask. His mom is kind of a buff, and kind of pushy as well. Chenle knew he would be the cliché son "following in her footsteps" since kindergarten.

His mother stops him while the rest of the tour moves on. They're in front of a display case full of trophies, medals and certificates. In the centre of the shelf, there's a picture of a girl smiling with her name and GPA on a plaque. She looks like a summa cum laude girl. Like a Mrs. Zhong in the making.

"My picture was there once," his mother says. "I've never felt so proud. I can't wait to see your picture there soon."

Chenle catches his reflection in the glass. He swallows down a lump. "Don't say stuff like that. You'll jinx me."

His mother turns to him, a crease in her forehead. "Oh, dear. I get it. I know how you feel."

"Really?"

"Of course. I doubted myself too. Am I good enough, is this the right decision, all of it."

"I didn't think... I thought you were always sure."

"It's natural at your age to question your future. It's been hard for you, I know. You were disappointed when you didn't get valedictorian."

And his chest just kind of shrinks.

She takes Chenle by the shoulders. He's taller than her now, but he doesn't feel like it. "Don't put yourself down. You are so bright, Chenle."

He nods, tries to smile. "Thanks, Mom. Um, I have to pee. I'll catch up."

"Go quickly. They're showing us around the dorms next, and you'll want to be there for that."

She pinches his cheek and clips off after the tour. He follows the signs to the bathroom and locks himself in a stall. He had to get away. Just — to breathe. So he breathes. And breathes. It doesn't help.

Chenle knows he's smart. Smart enough to get into a school like this. Smart enough to become a lawyer. (Not smart enough to want it, but...) He wasn't devastated when he was passed up for valedictorian. His mother, though... he doesn't know. Sometimes when she tells him not to be disappointed, it feels like she's talking to herself more than she's talking to him.

He hears the door squeal open, and footsteps echo against the high ceilings. A voice says, "Chenle? Are you in here?"

Jisung. Chenle breathes out, relieved. "Yeah. Here."

"Oh, phew. That would have been really awkward if you weren't. Anyway, I caught up with the tour, but your mom said you were in the bathroom — she offered to take the kittens, something about me holding the kennel wrong, I don't know — but guess what? That gardener guy, Taeyong, he's super cool, but he said landscaping is actually really hard, and that there's this other thing called interior landscaping where you basically plan out how potted plants are going to look in an office building or something, so it's like gardening but artsy and office people can enjoy it. I texted my dad to see if his building needs flowers, but he hasn't written back so I think I'm going to... I feel like I've been talking for a long time, I'll wait for you outside."

Chenle throws open the stall door, yanks Jisung in by the shirt and kisses him against the wall. In a public bathroom. Gross. But worth it.

Jisung breaks away, blinking. "What's... going on?"

"Nothing."

"Are you okay?"

"Nothing — let's make out."

Jisung is still confused, all big-eyed and oblivious, but Chenle kisses him before he can ask any more questions, and Jisung melts into him, like he always does. Like Chenle needs him to. He pushes the door closed, and for a bit, nothing matters. Not where they are. Not where they'll go.

Just this.