His Crybaby - Bill Kaulitz

Emotions never end well

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Bill's POV

My childhood hadn't exactly been the best. I was around seven when it all started. The usual bickering turned into full on shouting matches and sometimes even blood would be spilled. I saw it all but had to stay quiet. And after everything they decided to get a divorce. The process was slow and painful, it dragged on forever, like time wasn't passing. Glances would be sent my way, ones of pity, scorn and sometimes even mock. But it didn't bother me. I just didn't want them to look at me like I was some zoo animal. I wasn't some exhibition they could sit back and enjoy. But I kept it all in. I couldn't show how I felt. My mother was already too busy having to deal with her job, the paperwork and my father. To the point where she forgot to deal
with me. I still remember the way she
looked at me when I told her I needed help with my homework. It was a lie, I knew how to answer it all but just wanted to spend a little time with her. But her expression shut me up. A look that said, 'another thing to deal with? I can't do this anymore.' She looked like she was gonna curl up and cry at any moment. So I lied and told her it was okay. I gave her a smile and went to my room. If she couldn't see me then It'd be easier to forget I exist. Then I wouldn't be a bother to her anymore. That's what I'd thought. Whenever I got to school I'd see the same girl crying.

It was always over something stupid, like a small cut, a spilled drink or someone raised their voice. Her tears irritated me. I hated it. I hated her.
So I made sure she knew. But as I got older I realized how I really felt. I didn't hate her. I was just jealous. I had so many pent up emotions and never got the chance to show them but she was able to do it so easily. I wanted what she had and didn't know how to react to it so I mocked her for her crying, teased her and annoyed her until she avoided even being in the same room as me. Never looking at me and tensing up whenever we walked past each other. It was stupid, I was stupid. I regretted it all yet whenever she looked at me it wasn't filled with the hate I'd expected from her. Instead she smiled my way, like I
deserved to see it. That's why I wanted to distance myself from her. I thought that was what she needed best. But she didn't seem to agree. She kept on trying to get closer, and now I was too used to having her in my life to go back to how it was before. No apologies would ever take back from the way I hurt her, the past couldn't be changed. That's why I'd sworn to never hurt her and make sure that she was always smiling. She was always prettiest when she smiled. I'd always thought that, even back then.

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