Thoughts On Things

Entry 2

So, didn't do much today. I work out everyday at home, doing 100 one arm lifts of a dumbbell, which I today moved up to 30kg. I also do 10 curls of a 40kg weight. I don't do it to get particularly buff or to lose weight, it's become a sort of daily habit that feels wrong not to do, I suppose. 

I played games with a friend for quite a lot of the day, leading into the night. I read a little of The Prince, just in case I'm called to lead my country and restore the British Empire to its glory days. I didn't do much thinking today. Had a shower but forgot the thoughts. I looked at The Scream, the painting by Edward Munch. It's probably my favorite painting, which doesn't say much considering the only other ones I know by name are Starry Night and the Mona Lisa. But it's something, I suppose. I very much like the dizzy feeling it gives, the background and the figure. When I dream or try to imagine in detail a person I get the same feeling. A dizzy disorientation. I think it comes from the difficulty I have in imagining humans to the correct proportions. When I become cognitively aware I'm imagining a person, they suddenly go thin and long then fat and wide in a constant, dizzying cycle. I think it's a sort of mental negative feedback loop. Too wide, make thin, too short, make tall, too small, make long. 

There's a wheat field quite near to me that looks very nice currently. I'm guessing harvest must be soon, but I know nothing about farming so am not sure. 

I was feeling very ambitious today for a while. But didn't have the energy or time or skill or motivation to fulfill my ambitions. I'm lazily ambitious, sadly. I wanted to learn a few languages, memorize a few books, make a lot of money, learn politics, become something. I don't know if I'll ever achieve any of them, but I won't do it today. But part of me believes I could build Rome in a day. The delusional part in me, in us all. Luckily the rational part counters it, beats it to the ground for most people. Lest it run wild and fulfill the delusions itself through delusion. 

I'm going away for a little bit soon. To a nice, big house with family. I hear there's a trampoline, so that should be fun. I'd love to hear your thoughts if anyone reads this. Thoughts on the upcoming question. Do you also imagine the grotesque ways you could die in given situations? I can't help but imagine myself missing the trampoline or landing wrong and ceasing to live. I think it's an inbuilt protective thing in our minds. We imagine it, see it's bad, know not to do it. I hear some mothers imagine themselves killing their children and feel sick about it. Being virtuous requires knowledge of what is virtuous, and our brains provide us that knowledge.

Speaking of virtuous, virtues. I think, as a world, the law reflects our virtues, of course. Don't kill, don't steal, for murder and theft are not virtuous. We all have our own moral compass, our own list of thou shalts and thou shalt nots, but I think they differ only a little from the virtues of the majority, of societies. When they differ greatly, what does one do? Sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of the majority's virtues? Or do they follow their own 10 commandments and kill and plunder and rape. We've seen both of course, in serial killers and in the everyday man who just keeps it in. I think it's best to keep it in, but those are of course my own virtues. 

As mentioned before, I've begun reading Thus Spake Zarathustra by Nietzsche. In it, there's a journey of the soul. Have I talked about this? Anyway, there's a dragon, I assume a metaphor for god. It has scales saying thou shalt and is the very antithesis of free will. The lion, or soul, is "I will." The embodiment of free will. But some thou shalts are good and some I wills are bad, no? This feels all too familiar and I believe I am just saying what I've said before in the previous post. I shall move on. 

I play guitar, aim for an hour or more a day to keep my skills sharp. I don't really need nor desire or improve but wish to keep what I have and that is sufficient time. Some days I fall short, in time or effort. Today was one such day and I feel a little regret but not a crippling amount. I just mindlessly played the same thing, up and down, down and up, not even listening to the sounds I made. I must continue playing though, I suppose, for the sake of maintenance, like a well oiled machine. 

It's getting late and early, and I need some rest of course. I shall sleep well like usual as long as I do not become aware of my need to sleep, or inability to. I pondered last night about when exactly do we go to sleep? I don't remember the thoughts before I sleep, the exact moment I sleep. When do I stop thinking and just sleep? It hurts to think about, so I'll let someone else. If no one does, I'll return to this soon when I am more awake. If someone does, I'll return to this soon when I am more awake. 

Good night. 

Edit: birds sure do get up early. Saw them flying in groups, at around 5 am. Couldn't help but wonder about their sleep schedule. Is it regular or inconsistent? How long do they sleep for? Ah, also, make sure to look outside a lot. It's a beautiful world, truly. That's all. Good night again.