Invisible String - Thomas Shelby

Chapter Four

"Tommy, I just heard from Polly, is it true," I asked him as I walked into the horse stable.

He was looking at the horse while petting her head.

"Yes Ivy, it's true me and my brothers are going to war," he said still not looking at me.

"Tommy," I said getting closer to him.

"Ivy there's nothing we can do about it so just leave please," he said moving farther away from me.

"Tommy I know we can't do anything about it, I just want you to know I'm here for you," I said getting emotional.

"I don't want you to be here for me, Ivy what it I never come back, what if I die over there, I don't want you to wait for me, wait for someone who may never come back," he said.

"Tommy I've been waiting for you my whole life I can handle some time," I said looking at him.

"Did you not hear me, I could die," he said raising his voice a little.

"Tommy you can't think like that," I said.

"It's only inevitable Ivy," he said finally turning to me.

"Let's just do this one step at a time," I say finally reaching him and grabbing his hand.

"We were supposed to tell them we are together soon," he said grabbing my cheek gently.

"I know, but we'll just have to do that when you come back," I said trying to smile.

"We'll do it when I come back," he agreed and kissed me gently.

"You know how we slept with each other a few times before you left," I said looking at him.

"Ivy, you know it was more than just sex," he said turning his gaze anywhere else.

"Yes you're right, well I was pregnant," I said trying not to cry.

I could feel him tense up a bit as I said it.

"I felt really sick the first couple of weeks after you left, and I thought it was just the stress of missing you, but I went over to Polly's to help watch Finn one day and I had told her how sick I was feeling and she asked me if I bled this month and I told her no, so she took me to confirm if I was with child," I said looking down at my hands.

"On our way back Polly asked me who got me pregnant and I was honest with her, she wasn't mad and she was actually quite glad since she knew I loved you for so long, and after that I only told my family and Ada," I said looking at him again, he looked very unreadable so I continued.

"I was maybe three or four months along when I was walking home from my shift at the store when one of the men that didn't get drafted stopped me," I said getting a little shaky. "He was drunk and tried to push me against the wall to rape me I assume, I kicked him but that only made him mad so he slapped me, he tried to kiss me but I put up a struggle," I said barely getting the words out.

"Ivy what happened," Thomas asked sounding very angry.

"He didn't get any farther because someone heard the commotion and turned on their front light, but instead of leaving me he pushed me to the ground and kicked me in the stomach a few times," I said.

Thomas got up and started pacing in front of me.

"He told me not to tell anyone what happened that no one needed to know," I said. "Anyway I guess my dad realized I hadn't made it home yet so he went out to find me, he found me laying on the ground in front of the store, he picked me up and took me home and set me on my bed."

Thomas looked at me knowing what I was about to say next.

"My dad noticed the blood and he went down to get my mom who checked me out, I remember so clearly how she said I lost a lot of blood, so they called in a doctor, who confirmed I most likely lost the baby," I said not being able to control my emotions and started to sob uncontrollably.

He crouched down in front of me again and tried to soothe me by rubbing my head, once he could tell I was calming down he asked, "what was his name Ivy?"

"I really don't know, it was dark, I only remember the sound of his voice and his eyes, his cold dark eyes," I say.

After a few minutes of silence I finally spoke up again, "after that night I wasn't myself anymore, all my dreams were filled with the man or my baby I never got to hold, Thomas I hate myself for not being able to safely give you a baby."

"Ivy it's not your fault, you have to believe that," he said his voice soft.

"It took me some time and I do know that now, but Thomas I really hope you understand why I had to leave, I couldn't live in a place knowing the man that caused me to lose my baby was out there somewhere, and I couldn't live in the house that reminded me of that night, being surrounded by the people who saw me at my lowest," I said starting to calm down a bit. "I didn't want you to possibly come back and have to tell you I lost our baby."

I started to cry again thinking of the baby we could've had.

"Please don't hate me Thomas," I said.

"Never Ivy, this does hurt me a lot knowing all you went through," he said.

"Ada told me when you came home you weren't the same as you were, was it because of the war," I asked trying to change the subject a bit.

"The war changed every man that came home, when I came back I was expecting the love of my life to be there waiting for me, and when she wasn't there everything just got worse, I became a cold and distant man, I now know why you left, but I need time to process this all" he explained.

"I really hope we can be friends again Thomas, even though every time I look at you i'm reminded of the baby I could never have," I said truthfully.

"One day we will both be able to look at each other without hurting, thank you for telling me this Ivy," Thomas said kissing the top of my head and walking away.

I cried again, but this time I finally felt the weight on my chest lift a little. I stayed at the cut for a while after he left before finally making my way home.