I was washing my hands when Katy entered the toilet.
"Don't do anything stupid," she says, as if reading my mind.
"What exactly do you have in mind? If you mean Luke, don't worry. He's not my type, as far as I know, newly single." I speak.
"Well, no soup is eaten as hot as it is cooked. I think this Noah was a bit hasty." She comes to the sink where I'm drying my hands.
I'm not burdened with anything today.
I don't want any.
Luke is a good man, under any other circumstances he would be great fun, but after all this I don't think it's fair to him or to me to drag him into all this.
Into my messed-up life.
" Nothing will happen. "I say back as he still looks at me strangely. Even though I'm drying my hands and facing the wall, I can feel their eyes on my back.
"I'm not the kind of girl who jumps from flower to flower." I keep talking, looking into her eyes.
"It's good we cleared this up. So, you don't ever regret it," she replies.
"Regret it? Never." I say, turning on my heel, straightening my dress and bravely walking towards the VIP area.
Adrenaline flows through my veins. Courage is on the rise. Or alcohol. I hear Katya's footsteps behind me.
She's right behind me.
I make my way to Luke and Ben. How I wish Noah were here with me.
He is in my every thought, in my every breath, my whole body is saturated with him. Even though he said today that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, I don't know how to get him out of my heart.
˝Hey, I'm back. ˝ I say hello.
˝Nice, we bet you ran away. ˝ Luke says, laughing.
˝Why? Because of you? ˝ I laugh.
˝Well, we've been together once, and that's it. How is Noah, by the way? I heard he had an operation. ˝ he asks.
As if someone had punched me in the stomach.
"It's good, I think. ˝ I answer a little uncertainly. I don't believe my own words.
˝Are you not together anymore? ˝ asks Luka, and of course he adds one plus one when he sees how uncertain I am.
˝Sorry. I'm just celebrating my bachelorhood. ˝ I say back.
I pour oil on this difficult situation I find myself in. I'm too sober for these debates and my heart hurts too much to endure them.
˝Oh, I didn't know. If I'd known, I wouldn't have asked. You two seemed perfect, made for each other. ˝ Luke replies.
I know what he means, I know he doesn't mean it badly, but this conversation is going in the wrong direction and this is definitely not how I imagined this evening to go.
There is too much pain, too much.
On the other hand, the time we could be together, the time we have left, is running out because there isn't enough of it anymore, because he doesn't want us to be together, why doesn't he want us to be together? I think in my head.
My thoughts are interrupted by Katy. ˝ Do you want to go home? ˝she whispers in my ear.
˝Yes. Let's go. ˝ I say.
We say goodbye and leave. I admit that all the excitement of the clubs has passed me by.
We take our coats in the cloakroom and leave through the exit. The evening was cold.
The snow is falling.
Soon it will be New Year's Eve.
And then comes a year, a year of changes. I'm scared. I'm embarrassed.
˝Are you cold? ˝ Katy asks when she sees I'm shivering.
˝No, I'm just scared of what's coming. ˝ I'm honest. We walk side by side.
˝I believe you, because I am afraid too, but I am only your friend, what about you, next to your loved one. ˝ she says.
It sounds too sincere. This conversation, I have to move on to something else, I can't listen to love because it hurts too much.
˙I am going to see a psychologist on Wednesday. ˝ I say, holding my breath.
˝Great, you have made a decision. ˝ she replies.
I hesitate a little, not expecting such a reaction.
˝What?" she asks.
˝You surprised me with your answers, nothing else. I thought you thought I was crazy. ˝ I think aloud.
˝ People who really know what is going on in your life would probably, if it was happening to them, go to a psychiatrist and take strong drugs to heal their soul. ˝ she laughs.
That puts me in a better mood, I smile a little.
I am not so angry anymore. I laugh.
Tears flow from me, from everything, from the day, from the night, from sincerity, from recognition.
˝Izzy, I promise you it will be easier, you only have one black day a year and that too will pass, the pressure will be less, I will always be there for you. ˝ she says.
Her support, her confidence really means a lot to me.
We walk to the block and go our separate ways.
I wave to her.
I turn to find the keys to open the door.
When I finally find my keys and open the front door of the block, my steps get heavier, dragging all the way to the second floor.
I'm still a little drunk, not too much and not too little, just enough to do some more nonsense.
I unlock the front door of the flat and open it.
A mixture of unease, indecision and rejection runs through my veins.
I gather my courage.
When, if not now?
I take off my coat and boots. I straighten my curls and look in the mirror. Considering the whole situation, I still look good. Sigh, exhale. I straighten the dress.
I put my hand on Noah's doorknob. I open the door quietly, it's almost midnight. I see Noah playing games.
I feel reassured because no one else is here, he is alone, it will be easier for me to face him, or not.
I want to turn and run when she sees me.
˝Izzy. ˝ he says surprisingly, as if he hadn't seen me today, as if we hadn't broken up.
˝Noah.˝ I say.
He pushes himself off the table and comes over to me.
We stand close together, I could touch his heart. But his hands are relaxed at my side.
˝We need to talk. ˝ I say. I don't even know how to begin.
˝Really, about what?" he asks.
˝About us. ˝ I exhale.
˝Izzy, Izzy. ˝ He paces up and down.
"Do not make it difficult for us. You must live and I must die. ˝ he says.
It's the first time I've heard him say it out loud, the words must have burned inside him for a long time.
"Don't say that. ˝ I say.
˝You can't deny it, I don't want to drag you into all this, because I can see you, you are already destroyed, not to mention what will happen. ˝ he says a little louder. I'm just waiting for us both to explode, to throw all the words in each other's faces.
˝I can't stop, I can't stop loving you, I can't take back the heart you already have. I suffer without you. I'm only happy with you. How often have I thought how unfair life is, that all this has happened to you, that this has happened to us, that we won't grow old together, that we won't have children, that we won't get married. ˝I definitely drank too much. My words do not end.
˝You can't take away what I love, you can't. Even when you're gone, a part of you will always be in me. I know that on the darkest days I will have you in my mind and it will be easier for me, I can only accept what I have, even if it is limited. And I won't throw away these hours, days, months that we have left just because you don't want me to suffer, I would have thought that before. ˝
˝No, Izzy, it's not fair for me to put this on your shoulders. How will you manage? It won't be easy. ˝ he asks.
˝It won't be the hardest either. The hardest thing is that I love you and you reject me, you don't give me your minutes, your hours. You don't give me your time. ˝ I say a little more quietly because I think the neighbours have heard us.
˝The hardest thing is to go outside and people ask you how you are, and everyone talks about love, everyone talks about how perfect they are together, how they are made for each other, and my heart bleeds because of you. Why are you doing this to me? ˝ I look into his eyes.
Ocean's eyes.
How will I ever forget this, how will I bear this?
There's too much going on in my head.
˝What can I say to you? I've had to give up everything because of illness, and when I saw you today, how you dressed up to go out, how full of life and courage you are, how fearlessly you walk the path of life, my conscience burned because I won't be able to be with you. I'm being a bit selfish because I have to hand you over to someone else. But I can't go to the party with you because the lights might trigger a seizure. I can only be here at home because you never know where or when it will happen. ˝ Noah said.
