Izzy & Noah ✔️

Forty-Four:The Weight of Wednesday

Something is ringing.

Something echoes somewhere in the distance.

Am I dreaming? Do I think so?

I open my eyes and that's when I realize that I fell asleep on the sofa, that this alarm clock is actually an alarm clock for work. When did I run out? I'm covered in a blanket but still in my sweatpants from the day before.

Confused, I stand up, on the other side of the seat, Noah is rolling onto his other side.

I quietly go to my room, get ready and run to work. The same thing over and over again.

Monday passes.

Tuesday comes, I turn around twice and it's already Wednesday.

I look scared at the sign on the door. It's a few minutes to three. I'm standing in front of the psychologist's door.

Is that right? Do I really want this? I ask myself. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat, I'm nervous. I can barely breathe. And the panic attack is getting closer. Good thing I'm alone in the waiting room.

When the door opens. And I look at the psychologist confused.

˝I can't do it; I apologize for wasting your time. I say and I want to turn and leave when the psychologist says. ˝It all depends on you. ˝

I look at her even more confused.

˝What do you mean? ˝ I'm asking.

˝I can see that you are having panic attacks and it depends only on you whether you will control them or not. ˝ she replies.

I breathe in and out.

I think of Noah.

And the panic attack slowly subsides.

˝My name is Tina. I'm a psychologist. You can choose your destiny - do you get rid of it, or does it get worse?'' she continues.

I stop, my legs are heavy, I don't even know what to say.

˝I don't believe it will help me. ˝ I say back.

Since when am I so rude?

˝Psychology is not a miracle pill and it will not change significantly after one visit, but of course a lot of work will have to be put in to move everything in the right direction. ˝I agree with her, I know that I will be able to go through all the emotions that I have on my own. At the same time, reliving it all again makes my heart sink and a lump form in my stomach.

˝I can try, but I don't know if it will work. You know, I don't like to talk about emotions. I admit it.

This is the first step to at least admitting that there is a problem.

˝Come with me. ˝he points to the interior, which looks no different than some kind of living room, and invites me forward.

Slowly, but with difficulty, I walk past her and look around.

How many tears, how much suffering did these walls see and hear? My thoughts are strange, occasionally dark. What is happening to me?

"Sit down. ˝points to the seat.

I sit down and put my bag down. I shift a bit nervously.

˝So, what brought you to us today? Izzy, is that right? ˝I nod.

I have a dry mouth.

˝I don't know if I'm being completely honest, but lately my panic attacks have been getting worse and it's hard to live with them like that, the hardest thing was when it happened at work. ˝ I say.