When we finally get to the building my body starts to itch. I feel so torn and confused about everything. I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore, no idea how to live, or who to be. What's the right decision?
I'm questioning everything, even the tiniest little details. Like, do I hug him goodbye? Do I give him a kiss on the cheek or is that wrong?
As if the world wants to punish me even more my phone starts to vibrate when we get to the door of the daycare. I pull it out of my pocket before looking down, Jeremiah's name flashes on the screen, and my stomach twists and turns.
I feel like I'm in highschool all over again and then suddenly a small voice in the back of my head whispers just breathe, Frey. My heart stops for a second. My feet freeze and my eyes glaze over because that voice wasn't my own. It was hers. Sounded just like her.
I glance up at Jesse, his eyes glancing down at my phone, watching Jeremiah's name and picture flash on my phone as it rings. But I can't focus on that. A fog takes over as I stare at him but its not the him that's here now, its the him that was there then. My best friends brother. The one who was a pain in the ass. The one who saved me from my grief. The guy who-
Someone tugs on my hand before I can drown in my thoughts. I look down at my little girl, her lighter hair reminding me so much of my best friend I have to swallow down a sob that wants to escape.
"Mommy come on, we're gonna be late!"
I let out a small cough to cover up the fact that I'm about to break down before smiling and nodding at Izzy. "Okay, okay, I'm coming."
Before I get a chance to say anything to Jesse, Izzy turns around and runs into his arms. "Bye, uncle Jesse! See you later, yeah?"
He smiles down at her before getting down on his knees to give her a better hug. "If its okay with your mama, of course. Maybe later we can go get some milkshakes or something, what do you think?"
Izzy screaches and jumps up and down. "Yeah, yeah, yeah! Mama, please?" She turns around to me looking up with her wide eyes as if she thinks giving me puppy dog eyes will grant her anything. In this case she's not wrong. I look at Jesse who's staring not at me but lovingly at Isobel and my heart fills with warmth. I swallow over the knot in my stomach, not trusting my voice I nod and give them both a smile trying to blink away the tears I know are building.
"Yay!" Izzy yells so loud people on the sidewalk turn to stare.
I let out a laugh before gathering her in my arms. "Shhh," I look down at her smiling before shaking my head and ushering her into the building for daycare.
Walking backward I lift my thumb pointing behind me. "We better get in there but uh...I guess we'll see you later?"
"Yeah," Jesse gives me a tight smile and for a moment I want to ask him what's wrong. There's a slight shift in his mood but I can't quiet figure out what it is. "What time should I be here?"
"Oh, um," I glance down at my phone seeing the missed call from Jeremiah before looking back up at Jesse, "We usually get out around four." He nods, eyes glancing down at Izzy before looking over my shoulder and then back at me.
"Alright, I'll see you then."
"Okay," I stare at him for a moment, small smile on my face as I try to figure out what it is exactly that I'm feeling. Izzy pulls again on my hand and this time I give Jesse a small wave before turning around and heading toward daycare.
My heart feels like it's trying to escape from my chest and I scold myself for feeling so eratic. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I should be over this. I should know what I want. I should know how I feel. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm a freaking mom for goodness sake. I close my eyes on the way to the main door shaking my head and deciding that I definitely need to book an individual therapy session this week to talk about what's happening. All of these feelings that are coming up. Lily's voice popping into my head.
And just like before the universe decides to be a total dick to me. When I grab for the daycare door it opens up nearly hitting me in the face. Startled I take a step back on a squeal just for the person to say, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Oh, hey, I just called you."
My swallow could be heard from around the block. "Hey, Jeremiah."
