Once and future

A reliable Rhythm

Merlin sat quietly on his bed. He had chosen to stay with Gaius instead of getting his own chambers. He wasn't just the court wizard he was also still the Physician's assistant. He stared at the floor of his bedroom letting his feet scrape back and forth across the stone floor. Letting the small repeating scratch calm his mind. He had lost control. Leon wasn't even dead and he had still let his anger get the better of him. He used to be in control of his actions, of his magic. Now he felt like a piece of him was missing. A small squeak interrupted the rhythm of his feet. He looked up to see Gaius closing the door behind him. "Merlin, I heard what happened," Gaius said quietly, "Are you alright?". Merlin shrugged. Gaius's eyes softened and he sat next to Merlin. "Can you please tell me what happened," he asked pulling Merlin into his shoulder. For a moment Merlin said nothing. He continued to focus on the rhythm. It felt like the beat of magic. A constant uninterrupted presence in his mind. Something he could trust. Until he couldn't. "I lost control. I lashed out. I acted like a child," Merlin said, chocking back tears, "What's wrong with me?". Gaius sighed, "There is nothing wrong with you, Merlin. Everyone loses control sometimes". "Not me!" Merlin said, "It's my destiny to protect people. I'm supposed to be the one in control". Gaius stood and crouched in front of his ward, "You're destiny is not to protect everyone. You're destiny is to bring about the land of Albion. You accomplished your goal. It is time for you to rest". Merlin felt his eyes begin to water, "My destiny was never to bring about Albion. My destiny was to protect Arthur. I failed. He's dead," Merlin choked on the last word. "And he will rise again, my boy" Gaius said taking Merlin's hand. Merlin jerked back, "No. I lost my best friend. You could never understand. When he rises again I won't be there. I'll be dead by then". "Will you?" Gaius said raising an eyebrow, "It was my understanding that you would be there when Arthur rises again. He will need help then to". Merlin snorted, "Great so I'll just stick around for centuries in misery. Watching everyone I love die just waiting for Arthur to rise again. Who knows how far in the future that will be. It could be thousands of years!" Gaius grabbed Merlin by the shoulders, "You need to calm down, my boy. It won't be that bad. I'm sure it won't be more than a few hundred years". Merlin scoffed, "Right". With that he stormed out of his room slamming the door behind him. 

Merlin knocked softly on Gwen's door eyes still on the ground, and anger in his heart". Gwen's soft voice came from inside, "Enter". Merlin pushed the door open still blinking back tears. Gwen was sitting in her chair at the far end of the table she and Arthur had used to share. A servant was serving her dinner. Her long purple dress spilled over the sides of the chair. "Merlin," she said beaming, "Please join me". He sat silently in the chair next to her. "What did you need?" she asked. "Just company," he replied tapping on the wood of the table. Another Rhythm that was so reliable. Until it wasn't. Gwen's smile softened, "Is this about what happened today?" Merlin nodded silently. Gwen nodded, "Do you want to talk about it?" Merlin nodded slowly, "I got into a fight with Gaius". "Oh," Gwen said with clear sympathy in her voice. Merlin hated when people pitied. A small fire of anger burned up for a moment. Then it was gone. He couldn't even rely on his own anger to be a constant. "I screwed up today". He waited to see if Gwen would say anything. When she didn't he continued, "I lost control of my magic. The one thing I felt I could rely on. The one constant in my life lately. It's like a betrayal of a close friend". Gwen nodded, "I can understand. When I lost Arthur," she paused and took a deep breath, "it felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I lost the one thing I thought I could rely on. Eventually, though, I got past it. I was able to move on with my life". That flame in Merlin's heart lit once again. "How could you say something like that?" he said quietly, "How can you just get past something like that. Something that only happened a year ago". "Merlin, I'm doing this for Arthur," Gwen said, "He would want me to move on. He would want me to keep the kingdom strong. I have to fight past the pain. I'm a queen, Merlin. I can't just abandon my people". The flame in Merlin's heart grew into an intense blaze, "Did you ever even love him?" Merlin asked. "What!?" Gwen said looking hurt, "of course I loved him." Merlin scoffed, "If you really loved him you would still be grieving. You wouldn't have 'moved on'". Gwen looked taken aback, "What so just because you are still in shambles because of Arthur's death that means that everyone else who loved him has to be the same". "Something like that!" Merlin was practically shouting now, "If you really cared about him you would at least show some emotion". "Merlin, grief is not a contest," Gwen said, "I know you cared about him, but people grieve in different ways. At different levels". "Well maybe you just had so many people in your life that loved you," Merlin retorted, "that you can just go around and pick between them. But guess what Gwen, I don't have that. Arthur was the only thing in my life I could rely on. He was my only reliable rhythm". "What are you even talking about, Merlin?" Gwen asked. "You wouldn't understand. Maybe I should just go," Merlin said coldly. "Maybe that's for the best!" Gwen shouted. Angrily Merlin stood and rushed out into the hall. Hardly thinking he summoned his travel bag from his chambers and willed all the items he would need to come with it. He stopped for a moment. Was this really what he wanted to do. Leave everything he knew behind. It's for the best and you know it. They will all be better off without you. Still Merlin decided he should probably explain to Gaius what he was doing. He willed a note to be etched into his floor. Hopefully it would explain everything properly.

Dear Gaius,

I have decided it would be better if I left Camelot forever. You were right. It could be hundreds of years before Arthur returns. I don't think I could bear to watch all of my loved ones die while I live on. Clearly I am no longer welcome here. I wish we could have ended things better, but I think this way at least I won't ever think about coming back. Just know that I do truly love you. I will miss you forever. You will always be like that Father I never had. Goodbye Gaius.

Love,

Merlin.