I Can't Sleep

Dinner Rolls and Master Plans

Severus POV:

I'm not exactly sure how this happened. Or what exactly happened.

But as I sit here, in detention once again, with Sirius Black babbling on about his date, I can't find myself wishing to be somewhere else.

Not that I particularly want to spend time with him. I don't. Of course I don't. But I also don't find myself wanting to blast my ears off every time he opens his mouth.

And even though it's his fault, once again, that we've got detention, I don't find myself all too upset with him.

He knocked over my cauldron in the beginning of potions and ended up spilling hot water all over me, but I know it was an accident. Did i still shout obcenities at him as my flesh burned? Yes. But i do understand that he hadn't meant to.

He even found me after I got out of the Hospital Wing, apologizing profusely and begging for my forgiveness.

Begging. Something I never thought I'd see a Black do, especially not him. But Sirius looked genuinely ready to get on his knees and grovel at my feet if need be.

Something that frightens me greatly.

I don't know if he's in a good mood because his date with his new boyfriends went good or if he's playing a prank on me, but either way I find myself ambivalently torn between feeling suspicious or elated that my once bully is now seeking me out harmlessly to compare charms homework.

"And then after Madam Pudifoots - " said former bully continues, oblivious to my inner conflict.

"I still can't believe you all went to Madam Pudifoot's of all places," I chuckle lightly, interrupting.

"I would have assumed you wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near that place," I smirk.

Black, who has been scrubbing the same cauldron for the last fifteen minutes, staring off into the distance wistfully as he rambles on and on about his boyfriends, shakes himself out of his reverie and looks at me with wide eyes.

He grins softly before answering.

"Well, I wanted them both to know I'm serious and really want an actual relationship with them.

"I know I have quite the reputation for never really going any farther than the talking stage and I want them to know I want a real relationship...

"I don't want them to think I just have a little crush on the both of them and want to see where it goes...I want them...I want them to understand that I'm serious about this - about us..."

Black's raw sincerety takes me by suprise, almost making my head spin. I don't think I've ever heard him talk so tenderly, so full of honesty and hope.

"Well of course you're Sirius, who else would you be?" I breathe lamely, almost physically cringing at my own stupid joke.

I don't know what else to say. How am I supposed to respond to something so - so truthful and open?

Black gives me a half amused, half dishearted look and then - finally - exchanges his clean cauldron for a dirty one.

He keeps his eyes locked on the cauldron and I can feel something shift in the air, leaving a rather awkward tension hanging around like a thick smoke. I suddenly feel the urge to say something else - to acknowledge his open sincerity with words equally as meaningful.

"I understand what you're saying though, and I think...I think they know you well enough to see that you're serious. I don't think you need to prove to them that you truly care..." I speak softly and lowly, half hoping he doesn't hear me but mainly that he does, if only so that the fog is lifted.