Tolerance Book III

Chapter Thirteen: Anguish Exposed

Jays' Apartment

As promised Will had arrived laden down with two large pizza boxes in addition to a six pack of his brothers' favourite beer.  The last item had earned the tall man a raised eyebrow but no comment was made.  Will had decided alcohol was in order despite his brothers' recent concussion because he sensed whatever question was going to be asked was a difficult one.  He hoped Jay would relax enough so that his headache might ease of at least, not that he would ever recommend beer as a painkiller.  On his part the younger man appreciated the gesture knowing how his sibling felt about taking alcohol with meds.  He opted wisely not to mention he had taken a couple of his stronger painkillers upon arrival home.  He had done so because he needed to be able to think straight during the conversation he intended to instigate.  To that end after an hour had passed and the pizza remnants had been relegated to the trash and a beer in hand the pale man looked over at his brother who was sharing the couch with him.

"Can I ask you something?" Jay spoke so softly Will had to lean forward to hear him.
"Sure Jay."
"What is it ....... what is it .... about me ....... that makes people do awful stuff?" Jay averted his gaze to the carpet, unwilling to see the disappointment in his siblings' features.
"Jay there's nothing you ever did that caused the old man to hurt you," Will fervently insisted, his heart constricted at the look of abject anguish on his companions' face, "or for King or anyone else to do what they did.  They did terrible, unconscionable things because they were evil.  That isn't your fault!  There's no way you are to blame for what they did.  You have to believe me!"
"But ..... in me they saw something that triggered that evil.  What does that say ........ about me?" Jay  finally asked desolutely, his hoarse words a testament to his inner turmoil.
"All they could ever see in you was someone with a good heart. Maybe it was jealousy or envy but whatever it was their sins are theirs alone.  You have a clear conscience Jay, you just remind yourself of that when you start overthinking stuff."
"Maybe he was right," Jay muttered to himself.
"Who?"
"Forget it."
"No.  What do you mean?"
"Dad."
"What was he right about?" Will asked with misgiving.
"I'm worthless .... maybe that's what people see in me.   The Bullies from school, the old man, King .....,"
"Don't even go there!" Will stated crossly, his anger at his brothers' torment causing his anger to flare although he tried to temper it.
"Sorry."
"I'm not mad at you Jay," the redhead hastily assured, mentally kicking himself, "I'm angry at everyone who's hurt you.  You never deserved any of it.  You need to believe that."
"Sometimes .....,"
"What?"
"I guess sometimes I think it's punishment for things I've done."
"Jay that's crazy!"
"Not really," the distressed man countered sadly, "I've done things ... things I'm not proud of ....,"
"Look I don't pretend I have any understanding of what you went through in Afghanistan but I know you never did anything without a good reason."
"You sure about that?"
"Certain."
"You're biased," Jay argued against the absolution being given.
"Probably but I'm also being honest.  War is hell is an appropriate description.  You've lived it but the bad times you've gone through had nothing to do with anything you were being punished for."
"Maybe," Jay sighed and took a sip of beer.
"Definitely," Will insisted, "you know I've asked myself why the old man picked on you and not me ....,"
"We figured it was because I wasn't planned," Jay reminded.
"Yeah but I think it's because he thought in some ways I was like him," the redhead decided to disclose some heartfelt truths to get through to his sibling, "I can be quite dispassionate after all."
"That's essential for your work."
"I was that way as a child," the older Halstead countered, wanting to put it out there that he too was plagued by doubts and questions about their childhood.
"Nah, that wasn't it.  He zeroed in on me because I was an easy target."
"Hell Jay you were a child, so was I.  Don't make it sound like you made it easy for him to do what he did."
"I'm not," Jay protested, "just telling it like I see it."