Shameless (Jalex Fanfic)

Chapter 23: I Fucked This Up Again

A/N: Warning this may be triggering. I'm not really sure...

Jack POV:

Alex was breathing so rapidly and I could tell he was kinda freaking out. Maybe more than a little. I was sad, so fucking sad at what he said but he was freaking the fuck out so I was more worried than anything.

"I-I-I-I'm so sorry Jack, I can't, I just. I can't breathe. I-I'm, fuck fuck fuck," Alex stuttered out. He kept saying fuck over and over again.

I stepped closer to him and touched his arm, "Alex, are you alright?"

I knew he wasn't. He shook his head and didn't speak because he was busy trying to breathe. I frowned and took him into my arms. I pressed our bodies together tightly. He didn't protest because he couldn't.

"Alex," I whispered softly into his ear, "Alex, babe, calm down. Take a deep breath. I'm here, baby, I'm here. It's gonna be alright. Everything will be fine."

I wasn't sure why I started calling him those pet names, but it felt right so I went with it. He buried his head in my neck and kept breathing heavily. I could feel his chest rise and fall rapidly against my own.

"Shh," I cooed as he let out several choked sobs, "It's okay. It's going to be alright."

I kept whispering soothing things into his neck and he slowly began to calm down. His heart beat soon matched my own, which wasn't slow but, it was better than what his was.

"I-I'm tired," Alex whispered, inhaling the air from my shirt.

"Let's go back to the bus," I said. Alex nodded but he was shaking really bad and he could barely walk. I picked him up like a child and carried him.

It was kinda awkward trying to get through the thin door. I had to awkwardly turn and I'm pretty sure I hit Alex's feet on the side of the bus but he was asleep. I would be too if I had a panic attack like that.

I took him through the seemingly empty bus and to his bunk. Placing him down on a pillow quickly and taking of his shoes, I looked over him.

Gosh he was a wreck. Hair was messy, clothes wrinkled, stubble growing on his cheeks. This man was usually more well groomed. Either way I still thought he was the most attractive man to ever exist.

I found a blanket next to Alex on his bed and place it over him. I softly brushed a piece of his blue hair back from his eyes. The blue didn't look bad at all. I just said those mean things to make him mad.

"Alex," I whispered to him, "I'm kinda betting on the fact that you're sleeping right now, but even if you aren't you should know this stuff. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I did this to us. I know it was me and it tears me apart every single night I'm not in your arms.

"I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts Alex. I know I hurt you. I know I did and I regret it so much. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you ever. The fact that I was the one to put you into this state makes me so angry at myself. You're hurting and the only way to make you feel better is to drink until you can't remember.

"I'm so sorry. I will make it up to you. I promise I will. I had a reason not to tell people about us, believe it or not. It made sense at the time but honestly now it's the dumbest thing I've ever thought.

"When I was in relationships in the past and we told people about it, it always ended horribly. I just didn't want that to be me and you Alex. I wanted us to grow old together and raise some kids maybe. I still want that. I'll tell whoever it takes Alex. I don't care anymore. All I care about is you." I caressed his cheek with my finger tips.

I leaned down close to him and whispered softly in his ear, "I'm only here for you, baby. You're the only thing that matters... I love you."

I closed my eyes and hesitated before I brushed my lips against his for the slightest moment.

I retreated quickly, closing the curtain to his bunk. I turned towards the back lounge, attempts to find my laptop, I think I left it there, and in the doorway stood Rian Dawson...

"Did you just kiss him?"

"I, uh, I don't-" I stuttered. What the fuck was I supposed to say? What if I told Rian and Alex got mad at me for it?

"Shut up Jack," Rian said, "I know you did. Come on. What's really been going on?"

"It's a long story, Ri..."

"Since when do we not have time?" Rian asked pointing towards the back room, "Zack's not here, but you could tell him too, you know."

I nodded following him into the back room, "Yeah I know."

He sat down on one of the couches, I sat next to him.

"Alright, shit head, spit it out," Rian pressed.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, "W-Well, Alex and I had, we were, fuck. He was my boyfriend."

"Was?" There was no judgment in Rian's eyes. It was almost as if he expected it, like this was just something obvious.

"Yeah, but I fucked it up. I fucked up so bad. I wouldn't tell people and then when he questioned me I told him to go away. It wasn't the first time we fought about it... I don't know man. He said if he left me then he wouldn't come back and be with me ever again. And I didn't fucking stop him."

Tears filled my eyes as I told Rian what happened, "I don't know why I didn't tell him to stay. I'm the worst person in the world. I fucking hate myself for it. And then he got with Will and started drinking all the time.

"You know he dyed his hair to get my attention and I fucking told him he looked like a smurf jizzed on him. What kind of a person am I? I'm a fucking ass hole. God I fucked up so bad, Ri, and I don't know how to fix it. I love him, I love him so fucking much. I just want him back...

"Tonight, literally less than an hour ago, I punched Will and then Alex yelled at us and broke up with Will. Then he had a panic attack or anxiety attack I don't know. He was freaking out. And I just hugged him and told him it'd be okay and I brought him back here."

Rian stared at me for a moment, probably letting what I said sink in. He took a deep breath, "Holy shit. That's a lot. How'd you manage to even keep it secret?"

I shrugged, "I was a dick about it."

"Well, I mean, you haven't done anything completely unforgivable, Jack. I'm sure he wants nothing more than to have you back-"

"He told me that just because he broke up with Will doesn't mean anything changed between us," I said.

"Saying and feeling are two different things. You know you guys are always fucked up when you're separated. Even when we were younger. One of you was absent from school and the other one was completely lost. He loves you Jack. I can see it. Anyone with eyes can see it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think if you're patient and you try to make it up to him and show him you do care, it'll work out. You have to stick with him. It'll work out. I promise."

I jumped forward and put my arms around him, "Thankyouthankyouthankyou. You should be a couple counselor."

"If only I wasn't a rock star, right?" Rian chuckled as I backed away, "You could have told me this stuff you know. Zack and I accept you guys no matter what."

I gave him a sad smile, "I wish I would've realized that sooner."

Rian shrugged, "Nothing you can do about it now. Just go make it right."

"I will." At that, I smiled for real.

A/N: I just want to say that I've never personally had a panic attack but I've read about them and my friends and family have told me about them. If I got anything wrong or said something offensive just know it was completely unintentional.

Other than that I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Vote and comment if you'd like :)

Until next time,

-H